When you mess up in marriage

Sometimes I think that God is bound and determined for me to air every mistake I have ever made on this here blog ‘o mine.  Today the topic for Wifey Wednesday is “When you are the one who blew it”. 

I have blown it in my marriage.  Many times.  In many ways. 

I will share with you the BIG one that God laid on my heart when I saw the topic.

I STINK at managing money.  Always have and it is something that God (and my hubby) have taught me a lot about over the years.  I teach on it now (God has a full circle sense of humor). Finances are a major issue for my husband because he grew up in a poor family and has taught himself a lot about biblical stewardship. He helps people in our lives that need assistance in building a budget, etc.

Yet, he married me.

We have had issues in our marriage related to money.  I had credit cards he didn’t know about.  Not once, not twice but three different times over the years.  It is an issue we dealt with in marriage counseling. 

He grew to trust me. Again. 

Then in 2007, I wanted to do something.  It was a good something, but not a God something.  Mike supported me with the stipulation that I was completely honest and transparent with him about finances.

Long story short, I wasn’t.  I was stubborn and determined not to fail and racked up over $100,000 in credit card debt for this good something.  And my husband had no idea.

When he would ask how I paid for something, I would act offended that he would question my honesty.  When he would ask for documentation, I would cry about how he didn’t trust me. 

I had a financial affair.  And I justified it, rationalized it and the problem grew bigger and bigger and bigger.

I sunk into a deep depression because I didn’t know a way out.  This good something had people depending on me.  The credit cards were reaching their limits.  I was in denial about my physical issues.  I was hiding a huge secret from my husband and family and friends.

I was having a financial affair.

When I came clean (which was not because I wanted to but because I didn’t have a choice) our marriage imploded.  It had been several years since I had betrayed him this way and never like THIS. 

The look on his face broke my heart into a million pieces.

He fixed it because he is a good man and that is what he does, he fixes things.  He had to go to family for help, which is something he abhors.  He had to deplete our hard earned savings. 

We are still recovering from this massive act of betrayal.  I didn’t know if he would ever trust me again and trust is something that has returned very slowly. And that healing only came from our relationship with Jesus.

  What have I learned from being the betrayor in my marriage?

• I had to be patient with him and understand that my actions had serious and lasting ramifications.
• God is the only one that can bring healing and restoration to a marriage.
• Time does heal wounds.  And you can’t be the one to set the time limit.
• Learn to speak your spouse’s love language and speak it fluently.
• Pray, pray and pray some more.
• Forgive yourself.  There is no condemnation in Christ and if you are busy beating yourself up, you won’t be able to focus on healing your relationship with your spouse.
• Let them deal with it in their own way.  Don’t force them to talk to you, to reassure you, to make you feel better. 
• Seek professional Christian counseling.  If the issue is too big for the two of you to deal with on your own, seek help from a pastor or Christian counselor that you trust and respect.  There is no shame in asking for help.

Our story has a happy ending.  We will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  In many ways, the difficulties we have faced in our marriage have made us stronger, more accepting of one another and deepened our commitment to be in this forever.  It is hard to see that outcome when you are in the midst of a betrayal so please remember this:

There is always hope when God is the head of your union.

Fun and Marriage

Do those two words even go together?  They should!  But sometimes with the busyness of life, the chaos of raising children and the monotony of the daily grind we can lose sight of the fact that we should be enjoying life with our spouse.  That is a dangerous place to be as fun is a great intimacy builder and can remind you why you were drawn to each other in the first place.

How can you make sure you and your hubby are still having fun together?  Here are a few ideas:

• Enjoy those inside jokes.  You know the ones that are just between you and your husband.  Wink at each other from across the room when you are reminded of such a joke.  Even when you aren’t physically close to each other you can both still be enjoying the memory or the hilarity of a shared inside joke.
• Watch a comedy.  Instead of dragging your hubby to the latest chick flick go see a local comedian or watch a funny movie. Some of our favorite side splitters are any of the National Lampoon movies and my hubby enjoys Monty Python as well.
• Step out of your comfort zone.  A few years ago Mike and I visited the batting cages for a date night.  We were both so rusty at hitting a baseball it ended up being a hilarious adventure.  We still laugh about my inability to hit a curve ball.  Do something you wouldn’t normally do together and be willing to laugh at yourself.
• Appreciate your spouse’s sense of humor.  Let’s face it.  Guys have a special kind of humor (and as a mom of boys, I can tell you that is apparently something they are born with).  Every once in a while, instead of rolling your eyes at your husband’s juvenile sense of humor, go with it.  Laugh with him.  Show him that you think he is funny.

Anything you do can be fun if you choose to make it that way.  Often times it just requires a change of attitude.  We enjoy cooking together and even cleaning together (we make it a race to see who gets done first).  Look for ways to insert fun in your marriage and you will find another way to bring you and your spouse together.

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday.

Marriage Tips for Beginners

Mike and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  Every year we celebrate the fact that we have beat the odds, particularly for how young we were when we got married.  Today Sheila encouraged us to look back and think about what we wish we had known when we first became husband and wife.  By sharing those things the hope is that couples who have not been married for quite as long can benefit from the things we have learned in the trenches of marriage.

Here is my (by no means conclusive or exhaustive) list:

• Love is a verb not a feeling.  I do not always “feel” in love with Mike.  I hope that doesn’t sound mean because it’s not.  Most of the time those feelings have little to do with him and more to do with me.  With how busy I am, where I am in relationship with God, my fatigue level and illness.  Do I always love him?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because love is a decision, a choice, an action.  And I make the choice to love him everyday, the decision to be the best wife I can be every day and look for ways to act out that love (like putting the toilet paper so it rolls over even though I am an under girl)
• Date night is not neglecting your kids. I remember how guilty I felt each time (which was rarely back then) that Mike and I would go out alone.  I would spend the whole time calling home to make sure the kids were okay and when I wasn’t calling home I was talking about the kids.  It was years before I realized (after a marriage conference) that spending alone time with my hubby was vital to the health of our relationship. We began making that time sacred, focusing on us and our relationship, doing fun things together (love riding the motorcycle) and our marriage greatly benefited from it.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  A healthy marriage is actually one of the best things you can do for your children!
• Make sure you are on the same page.  So many of our early arguments could have been completely avoided if we understood where the other was coming from.  We frequently sit down and check in with each other to make sure we are working toward the same goals.  If you don’t understand something your spouse said or it seemed hurtful, double check with them.  I am amazed at the times I have told Mike something he said hurt my feelings and he looks at me like I have horns.  The way he said it or his choice of words was not meant to hurt me.  Huh?  Would’ve never known that if I hadn’t asked.
• In your anger do not sin.  The Bible is your life manual and it gives great advice for what NOT to do when you are angry.  Notice God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, He wired us to have feelings and emotions.  Our mandate is to not let the anger get the best of us and lead us to sin.  To lash back, to say hurtful things, to go to bed fuming about something your spouse did, to give the silent treatment…all of those are red flags that we are letting our anger cause us to sin.

I could go on and on with the things God has revealed to me during the last twelve years.  For more sound advice on marriage visit Wifey Wednesdays.

Wifey Wednesday- A bit resentful?

Today at Sheila’s blog we are talking marriage and resentment for the Wifey Wednesday meme.  Immediately when I think of resenting our spouse (which I have certainly struggled with as recently as yesterday) you know who comes to my mind?  That daggone Proverbs 31 woman, the woman whom I aspire to be. 

In verse 25 it says she laughs at the days to come.

I wasn’t laughing much this week.  As I may have mentioned incessantly a few times here on the blog and on Twitter that my husband has been working TONS of overtime.  Now, while I know that I should be thankful that he has a job and we can put some money in the savings account- blah, blah, blah I have been getting resentful and irritated about how these hours are affecting my plans.

For example, we were supposed to go to my grandparent’s for a week after church last Sunday.  As I type this it is Wednesday morning, I am at home and not at my grandparents enjoying relaxation and the views of the Chesapeake Bay.  My boys went ahead to my grandparent’s on Sunday afternoon so I miss my kids.  And, if I am being honest I was really resenting Mike about this.

Then in my time with God this morning I was reminded of an important concept held in Ephesians 4:22-24.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Well, hello!  My deceitful desires were not taking into account the fact that one of our cars has broken down, that my husband is blessed to have a job and side work when his company is actively laying people off, and that the way I “feel” and respond to a situation is my choice.

So, today rather than being resentful of  a good thing I am thankful for a husband with the work ethic of Pa Ingalls and I choose contentment rather than resentment through the power of Jesus today.

Wifey Wednesday- Peace Maker?

 

 

Today, Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum brought up the question, does your husband provide you peace? 

In our case the answer is usually yes!  There is no one that can calm me down faster than Mike, and those that know me in real life know that I tend to be a crazy woman little highstrung.  When I am upset about something, from a little thing like not liking a new haircut to a major thing like bad news from the doctor, I automatically reach for my phone and call my hubby.  Good news, bad news or just to get a pick me up, he is the one I want to talk to.  His arms around me can ground me faster than anything else.

I have a close and personal relationship with the Lord!  I go to Him with all these things too.  And I truly believe that he sent Mike into my life to be my peace maker in the flesh.  God made me, He knew my design- tightly wound, compulsive, and He knew the experiences that would shape me and make it difficult for me to trust men and be vulnerable.

God’s design for me was to marry Mike, I wholeheartedly believe that!  One thing that can try to steal my peace quicker than anything else is an argument with my hubby.  Anytime there is distance between us, it is like the ground under my feet is less stable.  Yes, I know God is there and will never leave me but I know why He wants us to deal in love in our human relationships.  Conflict erupts the peace and is contrary to the design God has for my marriage.

I love this meme and am glad Sheila got me thinking about my husband in this light- Mike is a huge peace maker, peace keeper in my life and I am glad for the opportunity to recognize that today. 

Thank you God for bringing this calm, soothing man in to my life!  You always know what your children need.  Amen

Wifey Wednesday- what color are your glasses?

Today’s topic for Wifey Wednesdsays is a great one.  What lens do you look at your hubby through?  Sheila, from To Love, Honor and Vacuum mentions the Father lens, the bad relationship lens, the Pathetic Man lens, The He’s Always Right lens, The My kids are my Main Concern right now lens and the Men are Evil University lens.  When I started to think about the lens I viewed my hubby through (and still do when I am in the flesh) I immediately thought of the Kelly Clarkson song, Miss Independent.

See, I grew up in a house with a very domineering and controlling father.  So, I became determined at a very young age that NO ONE was going to tell me what to do, especially not a man.  Whenever Mike made a suggestion of how we should handle a situation (whether he was right or not) I would automatically get defensive and angry.  In the early years of our marriage I would say no to most things Mike suggested just to prove to him (and myself) that I could.

My Miss Independent glasses have been rearing their ugly head again lately as I live with chronic illness.  There are times that I have to rely on my hubby for assistance, have him remind me to do things and depend on him for many things I didn’t in the past.  This is such a struggle for me when I am viewing him through that lens.  When I have on the Miss Independent glasses I see a father rather than a husband, a boss rather than a partner.  I end up resenting Mike for being a good person, because of my old issues.

Thankfully, I have a heavenly Father who transforms me through the renewing of my mind (see Romans 12:2).  Only through Him am I able to take off my Miss Independent glasses and see my hubby through God’s eyes- a devoted and loving husband who takes his marriage vows seriously and loves me more than anyone else on earth.  I like the view from those glasses the best!

                                                                                                                                                        

photo courtesy of fotosearch.com

Wifey Wednesday- Kids and dads

 

Oh, so good to be back for Wifey Wednesdays, hosted by Sheila at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.  Today’s topic is about getting your husband involved with child rearing.  It pains my heart to know that many women have difficulty getting their husbands to actively participate in their kid’s lives.  I think we have set up this dynamic with the busyness in our current society and the emphasis on “stuff” versus relationship.  Men who feel pressured to “keep up with the Joneses” are typically absent from the home at the crucial times for developing and maintaining relationships with the kids- meal times.  Studies show that kids who eat dinner with their families get better grades, make better choices with peers and much more.

I also think that sometimes we as mama’s, particularly those of us who like things done our in a particular way, can set dad’s up to not even try to impede on our turf.  For example, if you have just had a baby and don’t let your husband feed the baby, change the baby, comfort the baby at night, etc how do you expect him to feel competent as a father and feel a bond with the baby?  The same is true as our kids get older as well.  We need to be cognizant of whether we are sending messages to our spouse that say- stay out of this parenting thing.  I’ve got it.

In our house we have fun nights with one parent/one child.  Matt and Mike just had one the other night.  They went to a restuarant (of Matt’s choice), played mini-golf (again Matt’s choice) and went to a local RV place to window shop.  Spending time just the two of them, without older brothers in the mix, allows Mike to know what is going on in Matt’s life and feel more like a part of his world (which with Matt is an accomplishment as I think that very few people actually exist in that world LOL).  As a mama and a wife, my role was to make sure that outing got on the calendar.  That’s all- then step aside and let dads be dads.

Any thoughts?  Do any of you struggle with getting your spouse to actively engage in parenting?  Have any of you overcome this problem?  Feel free to join in the conversation