The imperfections of a man, his frailties, his faults, are just as important as his virtues.  You can’t separate them.  They’re wedded.  ~Henry Miller

I remember well the days that perfectionism consumed my life.

I suppose I came by the desire quite naturally.  A father who demanded more than the best.  Raised by grandparents whose accomplishments lined the walls.  Perpetuating the “family hedge”…that no matter what was truly going on, we put our “best face” forward to the world.

Every mistake I made was punctuated by the fact that I was, yet again, incapable of grasping the elusive perfection that seemed to come so easily for others.

I carried this knee buckling burden into adulthood for many years.  Perfectionism twisted itself into a suffocating need for control at all costs.

The monster of perfectionism almost ruined my marriage.  Almost ruined my family.  Almost ruined my life.

But, God. {my two favorite words of all time}.

He set me free from the need to please, the need to wear masks and the need to have everything just right.

Don’t get me wrong..it was a process that began four years ago and we {God and I} still work on it daily.  I am a recovering-Type-A-perfectionist-control-freak.

Perfectionism is a monster.  It is authored and touted by the father of lies, the devil.

You may see a perfectly coiffed mom, with perfectly behaved children in adorable matching outfits with a perfect marriage and perfect house and perfect vacations.

That is what you would have seen on the outside, looking in to my life for many years.

On the inside, life festered with open wounds that threatened to infect everything.  Secrets ate away at the foundation of our family and faith, like termites feasting on wood.  It was not until I surrendered the desire for perfection and the need to control to the only One that can handle those inside wounds, that life actually let our family breathe.

Anytime I am tempted to retreat to those old, comfortable patterns of dysfunctional behavior, I mutter the word “monster” to myself and heavenward.  God knows what I mean and He and I battle that monster together.

Fast forward four and a half years and I somehow figure I should get out my measuring stick (so to speak)…see how far I’ve come towards that plan.

Of course, I do not measure up to my own expectations.

And then I start saying things like this “I should be farther along with {x, y, z}.  If I’m ever going to fulfill this burden on my heart I should at least be at point {j, k, l} by now” and “I knew I was unworthy of this call, God got this one wrong” and “I should be doing more to make this happen” and “what did I do wrong?”

I find myself re-reading Psalm 23.  And I learned something I did not know.  The valley of the shadow of death referred to in verse 4 translates from the Hebrew into the valley of swirling shadows.

Hmmm, swirling shadows.  Could this be shadows such as:

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a period or instance of gloom, unhappiness, mistrust, doubt, dissension, or the like, as in friendship or one’s life?

OR

a dominant or pervasive threat, influence, or atmosphere, esp. one causing gloom, fear, doubt, or the like? (definitions courtesy of dictionary.com)

Could it be that the enemy wants me to be surrounded by the swirling shadows of mistrust and doubt?

Could it be that God is leading me through the last three and a half years, not in abandonment of the vision He provided, but in preparation for it?

Is it not in the valleys of life that we stand to learn the most?

So, today I am thankful for the promise of Romans 8 (if you have time read the WHOLE chapter) especially, verses 15, 18-21, 28-31, 37-39.

Exactly what I needed to hear this morning:

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship [or daughter-ship, in my case] and by Him we cry Abba, Father.  Romans 8:15

Oh, yes!  That is all I need to do- cry out to Him who is with me all the time. The One who is faithful to complete the good work in and through me for His glory (and in His timing).  God’s measuring stick does not compute accomplishment or human “doings”.  He cares far more that I am leaning on Him throughout the journey.

So, leaning on Him I am.

{edited and reposted from the archives as I spend time with my family}

There was a time {before God got a hold of my heart} that I would have posted every day, regardless of what it cost and regardless of whether or not I had something to say out of a sense of obligation and self imposed guilt. I am actually relieved that Jesus is freeing me from the trap of perfectionism.

I want to close out the series with a brief reminder of why we need clean hearts.

God desires intimacy with us.  He created us with a need for intimacy with Him.

God dwells in our heart, His Spirit resides there.

I don’t like strangers to come to my house when it is a mess.  Why would I be okay with a dirty, cluttered heart to welcome my Father?

Come near to God and he will come near to you.  Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ~ James 4:8

Let’s do the work of cleaning our hearts for God.

let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. ~Hebrews 10:22-23

He has promised us hope!  Draw near to Him, clean out your heart and hold on to the promise of life in Him.  There is nothing better than Jesus!

**To catch up on the series, click the links below:

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6/Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Day 12

Day 17

Day 18

Day 20

Day 27

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“but no man can tame the tongue.  It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison”. James 3:8

Sarah Mae wrote a post several months ago that featured a story from the movie, Doubt.  I can think of no better way to address the topic of gossip and slander than to send you to read that post.

Over a year ago, a friend of mine gave several of us in a ladies Bible study a challenge about the fresh water/salt water spoken of in James 3.  We talked about our words to our spouses and our children and whether or not we were speaking fresh water words or salt water words into their lives.  To help us keep this in mind, she gave us all a handful of paper clips and a handful of gems {like you would see on costume jewelry}.

The challenge was for us to begin our day with the jewels and paper clips in one pocket and as the day went by to slip a jewel {for fresh water words} or a paper clip {for salt water words} into the opposite pocket.  This served as a tangible reminder each day to be mindful of the tone of voice I used and the words I chose to speak.

It was a very convicting exercise.  I remember the first week after we started the challenge, we all came to Bible study joking confessing that we could make a necklace out of our paper clips from the week, not the jewels.

When I read this chapter of James, the memory of that exercise came to me.

“For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of”.  Matthew 12: 34b

I went and got out my bag of paper clips and jewels.  I need a refresher course.

This post is linked to the James read-along, hosted by Marla Taviano.

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{This is the 13th prompt for Toni’s 30 Days about Me challenge}

Day 13~ Someone or something that has made an impact in your life:

First and foremost, Jesus Christ has had the biggest impact of anything or anyone in my life.  He is the reason I am here.  Please read my story and join me in praising Him for all He has done and continues to do.

There are many pivotal moments I could point to in my life and people that played important roles in shaping who I am that I could tell you about.

But, it really all comes back to Jesus.  He has blessed me with the good in my life, has redeemed the mistakes I have made, He has healed the wounds of my past and He continues to complete a good work in me.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~ II Corinthians 12: 8-10

It is all about Jesus.

Putting this last ninety (ninety four if you want me to be perfectly honest) days into words is proving more difficult than I thought it would be.

Renewed passion for the Word of God.

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.  II Timothy 3:16-17

Renewed conviction for the sin that so easily creeps in.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.  Galations 5:19-21

Renewed gratitude for the ultimate sacrifice.

But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.  Isaiah 52:5

Renewed reverence for God’s majesty.

Who among the gods is like you, O Lord? Who is like you- majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders?  You stretched out your right hand and the earth swallowed them.  In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed  In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.  Exodus 15: 11-13

Renewed commitment and laser focus on my ministry.

But they were scheming to harm me so I sent messengers to them with this reply, “I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down.  Why should the great work stop while I leave it and go down to you?”.  Four times they sent me the same message and each time I gave them the same answer.  Nehemiah 6: 3-4

Renewed patience for God’s timing.

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.  Psalm 27: 13-14

I could go on and on all day with the gems God shared with me during this concentrated time in His word.  It was so worth it and my prayer and hope is that this fire that has been ignited for the Word continues to burn strong in my life and the rest of those that joined in this challenge.

A special thanks to Amy from Mom’s Toolbox for starting this movement online and encouraging me along the way.

I would have wanted to mull it over with a friend too.

Clear my thoughts.

Have someone to talk about all that had occurred in the last three days.

To discuss what it all meant.  And then there were the rumors from the women who had visited His tomb and found it empty.

Then, when confronted with the power of what had happened in the last three days, from the One that had led them for the last three years….what do you say?

How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken!  Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?  And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.  Luke 24:25-27

What do you say?

The crucifixion and the resurrection were all for a purpose. Planned from the beginning by the One who made us, knowing that we would need a way out.

That the Word would become flesh.

Living flesh whose breath was extinguished for me.  For you.  For the world.

We are all guilty of not noticing.  Not believing.  Not knowing the magnitude of God’s love for us.

What do you say?

I say thank you, Jesus.  I say How great is our God.  I say I believe.

What do you say?

I purposefully didn’t post yesterday because anything I would have said would have been dark, heavy and possibly too much.  Nothing we can ever imagine or do would properly convey the agony Jesus suffered on that day.  Facing separation from His Father (even if temporarily) and bearing the weight of the world’s sins on his shoulders, it brings tears to my eyes to even type that.

Which brings us to today.  The day after.  Christ’s beaten, bruised body laid in a tomb.

Can you imagine what his mother was feeling?  what his disciples were going through?  what the people who had witnessed his miracles and mercy firsthand were pondering?

Did they have doubt?  Were they confused?  Were they beside themselves with grief over losing one who meant so much?

We know the end of the story…the good news.  Tomorrow, we will celebrate the glorious resurrection that was part of God’s plan all along.

But today, allow yourself to sympathize with what the people must have felt.

I know that I have felt doubt in my life.  Wondered where God was in a particular situation.

I know that I have been confused and wondered how something in my life could really be part of God’s plan.

I know that I have grieved, many times, over losing someone important to me and not understanding why.

My guess is that you have too.

Thank God that we are not stuck in the day after.  Thank God that this story does not end here.  Thank God for tomorrow!

This was such a special night.  A night when Jesus provided his disciples (present and future) with beautiful promises for those that choose to serve Him.

The Lord gave them a new command that night (and it still holds true for us today).

A new command I give you.  Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.  John 13:34-35

I struggle sometimes in my friendships with other believers (other disciples of Jesus). We can really be hard on each other. Amen?

As Christian women we certainly don’t set the best of examples for others when we publically debate over theology, judge one another for our actions without being aware of someone’s complete situation, put our “best” face forward instead of being stripped bare before others as was demonstrated on this Holy Thursday so many years ago.

I write this, not in a spirit of condemnation because I too am guilty of this, but in a spirit of desire: desiring to follow after the command that Jesus left the night before He carried our sins to the cross.

Jesus kept talking that night and would repeat His words about loving one another.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends….This is my command: Love each other.  John 15: 12-13, 17

A great way to lay down our life, our flesh for our friends is to crucify the need to be right.

The need to have the last word.  The need to be vindicated.  The need to be acknowledged.

Today, I am asking my God to bring to my remembrance times that I have not put loving my friends, my sisters in Christ ahead of my own wants, desires and needs.

Wash me, Lord, of selfish ambition, pride, haughtiness, sinful anger.  Let me see others through your merciful and tender eyes. Help me be the friend you want me to be, demonstrating your love to everyone I come in contact with.  Give me the courage to say I am sorry when I miss the mark and the tenacity to carry on.  Through your strength Jesus, only through your strength.  Wash me, Lord.  Thank you for being the example of what true relationships should look like.  I am in awe of your glory. ~Amen.

If anything I have written or said on this site has caused any of you to stumble, hurt you or affected you negatively in any way I take this time to humbly ask for your forgiveness.  Let us spur one another on toward doing good and abiding in Jesus and his sacrificial love for us.

Nail pierced hands, a wounded side

This is love, This is love

It is NOT okay for me to let this week pass and NOT think about, dwell on, cry for those nail pierced hands and that wounded side.

He endured those things for me.

For the girl that would spit in His face at times throughout her life, that would give up on Him and blame Him for the darkness that surrounded her life.

For the girl that would think she didn’t need Him or His grace, that she could make it on her own.

For the woman that, even after recognizing her need for Him, would take off on a quest to earn His love.  Making a mockery of the suffering He bore for her.

For the woman that, time after time, would doubt His motives, fear He might not come through and question why He would allow tragedy in her life.

This woman needs to reflect on the brutality of the cross.  The Lamb led to the slaughter, willingly, for me.  Knowing even then that this girl, this woman, wouldn’t always appreciate or acknowledge the depth of the sacrifice. He did it anyway.

He died anyway.

He bore my transgressions anyway.

He loves me anyway.

That is what this week is truly about.

Nail pierced hands, a wounded side.  I love you Jesus.  I love you Jesus.

But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.  We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to His own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.  Isaiah 53: 5-6