Of course, I appeared to be friendly and open.  If you invited me to your Pampered Chef party, I came (and I bought something).  I took my kids to playgroups and cub scouts and fraternized with the other moms.  I took my pretty Bible to Bible studies, nodding and taking notes at the appropriate times.

But if you expected me to open up and tell you what was really going on in my life?  Fuhhgetaboutit!

Why would I tell people that my marriage was falling apart?

That our son was spiraling out of control?

That medical expenses were close to rendering us bankrupt?

That I hadn’t spoken to my dad in 13 years?

My life was ugly on the inside and I had a hard time letting people see that.

Standing on the stage and singing on the worship team does not a good Christian make.

When everything came crashing down around me and I allowed God to strip away those defensive coping mechanisms that kept people at arms length, the meaning of community changed for me and my family.

Now, in an ironic “it’s a God thing” turn of events, my husband and I are the Biblical Community (aka small group) directors at our church.

Community, real community, is a beautiful, precious gift from God.

Community is not relegated to the walls of a church building but rather lives in and through the hearts of the people God weaves into your life.

The friend God places in your path, that shares a passion neither of you knew you had and births a ministry for you to share.

The friend God gives you that provides clarity, accountability and the freedom to dream God sized dreams with.

The friend that makes you laugh.

The friend that lets you cry.

The friend that you can not see for five years and you still pick up just where your hearts left off because you are sisters in Christ.

The friends that have been there, done that and encourage you in your life stage, with the promise that “it gets easier”

The friends that are where you once were, who allow you to speak encouragement into their lives.

The friends that mentor you, speak the hard truth to you and teach you through their words, but most importantly, through their actions.

The friends that don’t take “fine” for an answer.

Community is comprised of the people around us, who if we allow them to, can administrate God’s love to us and to them through us in a myriad of beautiful, imperfect ways.

No judgment, no expectations, just love and friendship and acceptance.  Living out real life, the good, the bad and the ugly.  That is real community.

Are you a part of a real community?

I pray for marriage everyday.  My marriage, my children’s future spouses, my friends marriages and marriage in general.  God designed this special union to illustrate the way Christ feels about the Church.  What could be more special than that?

While I pray for marriage everyday, I am not good at being married everyday.

Sometimes, when you have been married as long as we have {will be 15 years in July}, you tend to get irritated by the little things that you thought were adorable when you first met.

For instance, I can not stand the way my husband chews.  Simply can NOT take it.  And, I don’t like food in the bed.  So, when he brings his nightly bowl of cereal into the bedroom, my claws come out {good thing I bite my fingernails}.

I write that and then think of the ways I fail at this marriage thing and realize that I need to focus on the good {and there is SO much good}.

To be completely honest, I am difficult to live with most days and exceptionally difficult to live with the other days.  This is not a shocking fact to those that know me well. However, some of my readers might be surprised to learn that I am a moody, tightly wound woman with high expectations of myself and others and the person that sees the ugliest side of me is my hubby.

Ladies, seriously, the man is a saint. I work crazy, bizarre hours in this full-time ministry life.  When I am not away from the house completely, I am tethered to my computer or cell phone.  I am also chronically ill so after the energy I expend on other things, there is not much left over for housework and being domestic. 

Mike loves me enough to let me be the Melissa that God created me to be.  He allows me the freedom to pursue my passions.  He is incredibly generous with his time, money and heart.  He extends grace when I am frazzled and cranky.

We had an impromptu date night on Friday.  Taking the time to listen to him, to spend time with him without the interruptions of kids, work and other craziness was refreshing.  Today I recommit in my heart to focus on the good.

There is so much good!

What do you love about your husband?

This month, I wanted to continue that conversation in a more practical way.  Let’s talk about how to teach our boys about the concept of covenant from a young age so that when it comes time to explain the marriage covenant and God’s views on sexuality, the concept is already on their hearts and minds.

The word for covenant translates to “a binding agreement”, according to dictionary.com.  If you look up the origin of the word, you could add serious or solemn to that definition to fully understand the Biblical translation.

What are some situations where we could illustrate this principal to our kids in everyday life?

To read the rest of this post, please head over to The M.O.B Society

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Today’s culture and society has lost sight of the seriousness of the covenant of marriage and the role of sex. Sex is symbolic of a covenant between a married man and his wife. A covenant that we will be held accountable to one day.
In a culture where sex is viewed casually and more than half of marriages end in divorce, we as moms need to teach our boys about covenant….

You can read the rest of this post at The M.O.B Society, where I write the monthly column, Tackling “the talk”.

Day 9: Something that makes my life easier

There are many things but I want to share a website with y’all that has been a life saver for me and my family these last few months.  It is called Takethemameal.com.  While I have been recuperating from all these surgeries, friends and church members could sign up to bring us a meal.  The site would send me an email to let me know who to expect and what they were bringing. It was a true God send! {and I appreciate each and every person that took the time to cook for our family more than they will ever know}

Day 10: A photo of then and now

This instructed us to post a photo of us that is more than 10 years old and a current photo

The hubby and I on our wedding day 7/6/97

I was 18 when we married and Matthew was baking in my tummy.  Jared was 13 months old and had just started walking.   I thank God that He found us broken {about six months later} and became the third strand of the chord in our marriage. He is the only reason we are still together {and happily, I might add} 14 years later.

Mike and I this summer 6/11

Day 11: Favorite Band/Artist

Without a doubt, Natalie Grant is my favorite artist.  Her music speaks to my heart and her heart for helping others endears me even more.

Day 12: Something that I am particular about

To be honest, there are many things I am particular about {hello, recovering Type-A here} but the list has gotten smaller over the years.  If I needed to name one thing it would be my pantry.  When things are on the wrong shelf, or not in the proper container it makes me anxious and irritable.  Same thing with the refrigerator and my cabinets.  Maybe I am just particular about my kitchen LOL

Okay, I am caught up and I am putting the rest of these challenges in draft form so I don’t neglect to answer the rest of the questions.

Hope you are having a great Saturday!

“Let me tell you something, Church. The term marriage has been tainted, scarred, and made a mockery of by the adulteress who willingly accepts a man from a troubled marriage. Marriage has been burnt alive by porn addiction and selfish husbands. Marriage has been destroyed by unforgiving wives and a blatant unwillingness by both parties to lay down their lives. Marriage has not been ruined by the gay community. And if we truly, not self righteously but truly, want to return marriage to its original sanctity, the fight, the cleansing and purifying, has to begin within the church.”

Please go read this post in it’s entirety at Kingdom Twindom.  Thank you for your willingness to say the hard things, Sarah!

And, another post that has me nodding in agreement is “An Apology to Democrats and Jesus” over at Marla’s blog.

Fourteen years ago, finding a brunette {because I am not blonde} cake-topper bride was a huge priority in my life.  On the eve of making the biggest commitment of my life.

Thankfully, my grandparents rose to the challenge and scoured stores in the four-state area to find me a brunette bride and a dark haired groom cake-topper and all was right with my wedding.

I look back now and chuckle to myself.  I thought it was all about the wedding.  The perfect day I had dreamed about since I was a little girl.  Finding my Prince Charming.  The white dress, the heart shaped tiers of the cake, the bouquet…it was all important to me. 

Now, I have come to realize that the important things in marriage are far different than the wedding.

The two becoming one is a process that is not completed with the utterance of the words “I do”.  It is the beginning of a lifetime journey.

On my 14th anniversary I wanted to share a few things I (we) have learned along the way….

• Be quick to apologize.  We are both the firstborn in our families of origin.  We are both choleric [fill in the blank of your favorite personality profile for Type A].  Bottom line: we are both stubborn as all get out.  When we were first married, it was far more important to both of us to be right than to have unity in our relationship.  Our relationship really began to grow when we learned the value of an apology, the knitting together of hearts that takes place when you put your pride aside and put the other person first.
• Be quicker to forgive.  It is so easy to get your feelings hurt in marriage.  We spend more time with our spouse and they know us better than anyone else.  They know what buttons to push to elicit a reaction.  And, sometimes {just keeping it real} I am being ultra sensitive or irritable and just about anything Mike said would make me upset.  Instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill moment, I have learned to forgive and let go of so much more than I was able to when we were first married {and so is Mike}.  Most of the time, I take my hurt feelings to God and ask Him to show me how to be forgiving and gracious towards my husband.  (Colossians 3:13 is a favorite verse of mine about this topic)
• Make alone time a priority.  When our kids were little, we had a standing date night.  We have gotten away from the structure of that but still make an effort to have time, just the two of us, as frequently as possible.  We pursue shared interests by reading a book together or a concert, we shop together and run errands holding hands, we ride Mike’s Harley in the beautiful countryside that we are blessed to live in.  We take weekend trips at least once a year to reconnect and spend time making sure the other knows how much they are loved.  The truth is that the devil hates marriage.  Any fissure or crack in the foundation of your marriage leaves room for the enemy to creep in and sabotage.  The only way to shore up the cracks and fissures is to know that they are there in the first place.  In order to communicate those types of issues to Mike, I need time away from the busyness and distractions of life.  Alone time {with your spouse} is a must!
• Have God at the center of your union.  God has to be number One in my life, in Mike’s life and in our life together in order for our marriage to be all that it is designed to be.  Those times in our lives when we have had serious issues in our marriage are directly correlated with times we were not putting God first.  It is that simple.

What are some ways you keep your marriage a priority?  I would love to hear!

Tonight, we are headed to our favorite hibachi restaurant for an evening of celebration.  Happy anniversary to my sweet {long suffering} hubby!

For example: an eleven year old girl in our neighborhood is aggressively pursuing my thirteen year old son (about to be fourteen in a month).  Her facebook photo is of her in a bikini (for crying out loud).  I have intervened by informing her that her facebook messages to him are inappropriate (because I monitor all his facebook messages).  I have intervened by bringing my son inside when she is riding her bike past our house obsessively while he is playing basketball (in our driveway).  That (so far) has been the extent of my “psychopathic parenting”–quoting my son on that one.  I think he is flattered by the attention.

What I want to do is hunt down the parents of this child and shake ask them if they are asleep on the job or what?  Are you aware that your ELEVEN year old daughter is this focused on the opposite sex? It is truly frightening to me.

What I should do is where I falter.

When I intervene as I have am I over reacting?

Are these issues my son needs to handle on his own?

I don’t have all the answers to this parenting teen thing.  I pray without ceasing about these boys that God has entrusted to my care.

I will give account for my parenting one day…

Am I helicopter parenting or parenting parenting?

I don’t know- do you?

Please feel free to submit your posts about parenting teens/tweens in the MckLinky.

I will preface this post by saying (as I say often) that I am a recovering Type A.  I am the first born.  I tend towards the controlling side of the spectrum. I acknowledge that and pray daily for more of God and less of me.  Almost thirteen years of marriage later this is still a struggle for me but baby, I’ve come a long way (by the grace of God and the patience of my husband) and here is how:

• Embracing God’s plan for marriage.  In Genesis 2: 23-24 God lays out His design for our marriages.  I am a gift to my husband, made to be his helper and partner for life.  When you cherish that role, rather then resent it, respecting your husband and God’s desire for your marriage is so much easier.
• Embracing the uniqueness of our union. No two people are exactly alike.  Neither are any two marriages.  Marriage blends two unique individuals into a unique partnership.  Mike and I didn’t have great role models of marriage growing up.  I found myself early in our relationship trying to make our marriage look like what I thought it should look like.  The problem is I was getting my concept of what marriage should look like from magazines, TV, peers and society in general.  Only when I turned to God and His Word was I able to appreciate how Mike and I compliment each others differences.  We truly bring out the best in each other (funny how God designs these things isn’t it?).
• Embracing marriage’s limitations.  One of my favorite sayings is that there is a God shaped hole in everyone’s heart.  A hole that only He can fill.  Marriage was designed by God.  However, it was not designed to replace the vital role that only He can fill.  When we look to our husbands to meet needs that only God can and heal wounds that only God can we are going to end up miserable.  The level of intimacy and friendship that Mike and I enjoy did not develop until I acknowledged that I needed God to meet my emotional needs, not Mike.  Do you know how much pressure we take off our marriages when we take our needs to the One that can actually meet them?  It truly is life changing.

So, do I have the perfect marriage?  No.  Do I have a great marriage?  Yes.  Am I controlling and domineering like I was in the beginning? No.  Do I still get antsy if we are running late? Absolutely!

Mike and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  Every year we celebrate the fact that we have beat the odds, particularly for how young we were when we got married.  Today Sheila encouraged us to look back and think about what we wish we had known when we first became husband and wife.  By sharing those things the hope is that couples who have not been married for quite as long can benefit from the things we have learned in the trenches of marriage.

Here is my (by no means conclusive or exhaustive) list:

• Love is a verb not a feeling.  I do not always “feel” in love with Mike.  I hope that doesn’t sound mean because it’s not.  Most of the time those feelings have little to do with him and more to do with me.  With how busy I am, where I am in relationship with God, my fatigue level and illness.  Do I always love him?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because love is a decision, a choice, an action.  And I make the choice to love him everyday, the decision to be the best wife I can be every day and look for ways to act out that love (like putting the toilet paper so it rolls over even though I am an under girl)
• Date night is not neglecting your kids. I remember how guilty I felt each time (which was rarely back then) that Mike and I would go out alone.  I would spend the whole time calling home to make sure the kids were okay and when I wasn’t calling home I was talking about the kids.  It was years before I realized (after a marriage conference) that spending alone time with my hubby was vital to the health of our relationship. We began making that time sacred, focusing on us and our relationship, doing fun things together (love riding the motorcycle) and our marriage greatly benefited from it.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  A healthy marriage is actually one of the best things you can do for your children!
• Make sure you are on the same page.  So many of our early arguments could have been completely avoided if we understood where the other was coming from.  We frequently sit down and check in with each other to make sure we are working toward the same goals.  If you don’t understand something your spouse said or it seemed hurtful, double check with them.  I am amazed at the times I have told Mike something he said hurt my feelings and he looks at me like I have horns.  The way he said it or his choice of words was not meant to hurt me.  Huh?  Would’ve never known that if I hadn’t asked.
• In your anger do not sin.  The Bible is your life manual and it gives great advice for what NOT to do when you are angry.  Notice God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, He wired us to have feelings and emotions.  Our mandate is to not let the anger get the best of us and lead us to sin.  To lash back, to say hurtful things, to go to bed fuming about something your spouse did, to give the silent treatment…all of those are red flags that we are letting our anger cause us to sin.

I could go on and on with the things God has revealed to me during the last twelve years.  For more sound advice on marriage visit Wifey Wednesdays.