Marriage Tips for Beginners

Mike and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  Every year we celebrate the fact that we have beat the odds, particularly for how young we were when we got married.  Today Sheila encouraged us to look back and think about what we wish we had known when we first became husband and wife.  By sharing those things the hope is that couples who have not been married for quite as long can benefit from the things we have learned in the trenches of marriage.

Here is my (by no means conclusive or exhaustive) list:

• Love is a verb not a feeling.  I do not always “feel” in love with Mike.  I hope that doesn’t sound mean because it’s not.  Most of the time those feelings have little to do with him and more to do with me.  With how busy I am, where I am in relationship with God, my fatigue level and illness.  Do I always love him?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because love is a decision, a choice, an action.  And I make the choice to love him everyday, the decision to be the best wife I can be every day and look for ways to act out that love (like putting the toilet paper so it rolls over even though I am an under girl)
• Date night is not neglecting your kids. I remember how guilty I felt each time (which was rarely back then) that Mike and I would go out alone.  I would spend the whole time calling home to make sure the kids were okay and when I wasn’t calling home I was talking about the kids.  It was years before I realized (after a marriage conference) that spending alone time with my hubby was vital to the health of our relationship. We began making that time sacred, focusing on us and our relationship, doing fun things together (love riding the motorcycle) and our marriage greatly benefited from it.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  A healthy marriage is actually one of the best things you can do for your children!
• Make sure you are on the same page.  So many of our early arguments could have been completely avoided if we understood where the other was coming from.  We frequently sit down and check in with each other to make sure we are working toward the same goals.  If you don’t understand something your spouse said or it seemed hurtful, double check with them.  I am amazed at the times I have told Mike something he said hurt my feelings and he looks at me like I have horns.  The way he said it or his choice of words was not meant to hurt me.  Huh?  Would’ve never known that if I hadn’t asked.
• In your anger do not sin.  The Bible is your life manual and it gives great advice for what NOT to do when you are angry.  Notice God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, He wired us to have feelings and emotions.  Our mandate is to not let the anger get the best of us and lead us to sin.  To lash back, to say hurtful things, to go to bed fuming about something your spouse did, to give the silent treatment…all of those are red flags that we are letting our anger cause us to sin.

I could go on and on with the things God has revealed to me during the last twelve years.  For more sound advice on marriage visit Wifey Wednesdays.

Did I settle? or did God know just what He was doing?

I haven’t participated in Wifey Wednesday in a while but the topic today struck a chord with me.  And you know what happens when a cord is struck?  I write. (and write and edit and write and so on)

…but it does mean that if you’re not happy in your marriage, perhaps we should stop focusing on whether or not he was the right one to marry, and start focusing on how WE can become the right one?

That is the phrase that struck a chord with me in Sheila’s post.  Mike and I got married young.  I was 18 years old, he was 24.  We already had a lot of grown up baggage (he had a son, I had a son and we had one on the way together, we didn’t know Jesus as our personal Savior, etc) to contend with and neither one of us had a grown up in homes that modeled what healthy marriage looked like.

In the early days of our marriage, I sometimes wondered if I had made a mistake.  We were so different.  We handled conflict different, we approached raising children different, we definitely had different approaches when it came to handling money.  Sometimes our differences seemed to etch a chasm between our hearts and prevent us from connecting and communicating.

We had been married a year and a half when I came to know Christ and two years when Mike accepted Jesus into his heart.  I would like to say that knowing God flipped a switch in our relationship and everything was fantabulous from that moment on….but I would be lying.

I can say, however, that as we grew in our faith and in our knowledge of what God intended marriage to be, we began to work on making our marriage better.  We saw a Christian counselor, we I read books, we attended marriage conferences, we sought sound counsel from older couples.

And our marriage evolved.

I went from days of wondering “why did I marry this guy?” to appreciating how God had wired Mike specifically to be my husband (and realizing that not just anyone could handle being married to this gal).  That appreciation has led to a deeper level of intimacy and a respect for my husband that did not exist in the early days of our marriage.

My encouragement to married couples is to seek to recognize the ways that God designed your spouse to complement your personality and needs.  Once you begin to notice the things that make your spouse right for you, it changes the whole dynamic of your relationship.

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing the man I am meant to be with into my life.  Thank you for helping me see that we complete each other instead of giving up when ever discouraging times came our way.  Thank you for creating someone for me that allows me to be myself, that delights in my successes and is willing to go outside of his comfort zone to grow along side me.  Help us all see your design for marriage and adjust our expectations of our spouse accordingly. ~Amen.

Made for relationship

Today I listened to my friend Amy talk about friendship on her radio show.  Coming home from a weekend like this leads one to think about friendship, about connection, about how our Creator intended for us to be in relationship with others.

Relationships that allow us to take off our grown up hats and put on our play time hats (or boas and beads as the case may be)

Relationships that allow us to relax.  To lean back into the knowledge that we are accepted for who we are in this moment.

Relationships that allow us to celebrate each others success without thought of competition or glory.

Relationships that make our hearts smile and our spirit sing

~A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words~

Author Unknown

Today I am thankful for my friends.  What are you thankful for?

Friendships and Relationships

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You, too? Thought I was the only one”.  C.S Lewis

I find myself very excited about a conference I am attending next week in Nashville, TN (but no, I am not thrilled to be going back to the scene of the eight hour truck stop nightmare that was our Christmas trip).

I look forward to learning ways to become a better writer and a better blogger.  But, even more exciting than that I am excited to hang out with my friends. (some of whom I have never met in real life)

Through my journey of leaving corporate America, starting my own small business, becoming chronically ill (amongst a myriad of family issues I won’t discuss on my blog) and agreeing to follow God’s call on my life; I grew apart from several of my (in real life) friends.

Sometimes, when you are going through something painful in your life (or a series of painful somethings as the case may be) you withdraw from those you love (or am I the only one that does that?)

Sometimes, you withdraw- not out of a feeling of embarrassment or weakness- but out of a deep desire to protect them from the ugliness that surrounds the issue(s) you are dealing with.

While I am eternally grateful for the IRL friends who have stuck it out with me over the last few years I am equally grateful for the friendships I have made through the internet.

Even my hubby didn’t “get” my “twittering” (as he calls it) and blogging for quite a while.  He didn’t understand why I was dropping everything to hit my knees for a baby I didn’t know, why I was “dragging” him to meet “total strangers” (whom he ended up adoring as much as I do), why I “do things for free” volunteer my time and skills to people needing help.

He got a glimpse of the “why” when he accompanied me to Las Vegas in October.  He attended one cocktail party, sponsored by Sitscation, and met incredible women that are just like me.  We still laugh about the fact that we were at a party and every woman had some sort of electronic device to Twitter and Whrrl with.

Here is the point of my long winded (and wordy) post: In my own strength I’m not that good at friendships (or relationships in general).  But my Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself.  So He opened the door (or browser window) to some incredible connections that I get to nurture (and unwrap)  in just a few days.

Join us for more Tuesdays Unwrapped here.

The Stranger in the Bed

So today, here’s the question I want to ask: have you ever been at a low point in your marriage? How did you turn it around?

It was a Friday in early 2004.

I won’t go into how frustrating a time it was that the school system was unable to deal with a troubled boy, how patient my employer was with my frequent disappearances to handle emergencies, how this situation impacted our other children…

but I will tell you I felt distraught and I felt alone.

Alone?  Why would I feel alone when I had a husband by my side?

Because we were dealing with the implosion of our family in very different ways.

Retreat. Turn inward.  Immerse yourself in work. Minimize the problem.  That was Mike’s way of coping.

Resent. Over-extend.  Immerse  yourself in guilt and shame.  Try to control the problem.  That was my way of coping.

Neither of us were coping in a way that was conducive to our relationship.  We lay in bed at night, backs to each other, both having so much to say and fall asleep to silence.

When we did speak, it was throwing “You don’t do this” and “You should be doing this” statements around instead of leaning into each other for the support both of us desperately needed at the time.

We spoke of the D word.

Then a Pastor reminded us that this situation was not either one of our doing.  That we had become so focused on the problem we had lost sight of part of the solution- coming together and working as a team.

It took getting some time away together, re-focusing on our marriage as a priority, and some good old-fashioned marriage counseling…but we got through it.

By the grace of God we got through a difficult time.  We did not know it then but that period of trial in our marriage was preparing us for far more difficult times ahead.  Times that we would be able to withstand because our focus was back on our team.

Mike+Melissa+God= A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:12

Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum for more Wifey Wednesday posts.

Being pro-active in marriage

Over the spring and summer I watched the marriage of my best friend unravel.

The process has been incredibly difficult to observe for several reasons.   The main reason is because it was unexpected- to me.

M. and I have been best friends since we were in elementary school, we were in each other’s weddings, present for the birth of babies and vacationed together (as families) for years.

So, when the announcement about a divorce was made I was really in shock.  They hadn’t mentioned that was even on the table.

Am I mad at her?  No.  There are plenty of times that Mike and I have been struggling in our marriage that I have not confided in M. (or anyone else for that matter)

But, now I wonder- is that the best strategy? Should we shield our loved ones and friends from the facts of what is going on in our homes and marriages or should we be more open and transparent so that we can benefit from the support and prayers of those that love us?

There is a part of me that has always wanted to keep our marital issues private.  For the purpose of keeping up appearances at times but also not wanting to speak ill of my husband (which I believe is an important bibical mandate).

Yet, watching the aftermath of a divorce that has hit so close to home has made me stop and realize that marriage requires us to be proactive, particularly if our marriages are going to last.

Seeking Godly counsel, asking for prayer, making quality time with your spouse a priority, finding couples that are like minded to spend time with, finding couples that have been married longer that can serve as an example, and learning God’s plan for marriage need to be part of our daily lives.

Divorce is NOT God’s plan.  While I do not say that in judgment of anyone, I feel strongly that those of us that are married need to do all we can to insure we stay that way.

What do you think contributes to a healthy marriage?  Do you think it is important to keep issues private or share with others?

I would love to know your thoughts.

And for other Wifey Wednesday posts, please visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Just like a tree…

You Are Confident and Dominant

You are a very independent, do it yourself kind of person. You’ve had to rely on yourself. You know how to be strong for yourself and the people you love. You have a protective streak. You sometimes come off as a little assertive. You know what you want, and you’re not afraid to go get it. The only thing you require from people is that they’re straight with you. You are ready for the truth.

Sometimes, I love these little tests and how {frighteningly} accurate they are! What kind of tree are you?