Listening to the still, small voice

I have been having some (not so fun) issues with my left leg in the last few weeks.  My doctor(s) attributed it to my MS and put me on a steroid dose pack.  While that reduced the swelling on the MRI, it did not resolve the problem.  What is the problem? Muscle atrophy.

Atrophy (according to Wikipedia) is the partial or complete wasting away of a part of the body (in this case my left leg).

God has a whole post about atrophy in His body (the church) swirling around in my brain.  But, that will come at another time.

This post is about how God speaks to us.  He didn’t just speak to people in Bible times and then stop.  His Holy Spirit lives in us and guides us- if we listen.

Yesterday, returning from the doctor I was not in a happy place.  Trying to digest the fact that my muscle is atrophy-ing (no idea if that is a word) and they don’t know why and they don’t know how to stop it was overwhelming.  Making the appointments for all the tests they want to do to figure out the cause of the problem was overwhelming.  Trying to figure out how to discuss all this with my husband without him panicking was overwhelming.  Letting myself think of how unfair it is to have MS, Lupus and now- something else causing this issue- was overwhelming.

I had brought my Bible along for the ride (cause I can’t drive right now) but couldn’t bring myself to open it.  I did, however, turn on the radio and one of my favorite songs that we sing at church came on.  The song is “I will Rise” by Chris Tomlin.  There are many words that instantly touched my heart but here is the line that grabbed my soul:

There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say “It is well”

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

Overwhelmed?  How about the fact that Jesus overwhelmed the grave?  That is overwhelming, not my temporary, temporal circumstances.

Feeling still a tad angry, I said to God “help me”.  And three words came to my mind (and I know that I know that I know God put them there)

Check your medications.

Clear as day and something that none of my doctor’s had bothered to do.  As soon as I got home I googled muscle wasting and the names of my medications.  Second med I typed in had a big warning about this problem.  Not trusting myself, I called my pharmacy.  My pharmacist researched it, called me back and said “Call your doctor right now.  You need to have some blood work done”.

Yes, I have called my doctor and yes, they are on top of it.

But, isn’t God awesome?  And, what if I had continued in my overwhelming pity party and not reached out to Him?  Would I have heard that still, small voice?

Hearing God is a finer thing!

Praying for your marriage

Do you ever find yourself irritated with your spouse? 

Convinced that they do not have your best interest at heart? 

Wishing you had married someone else? 

 When I am honest, I admit that my flesh has felt all of those things at one time or another the last almost fourteen years.  There is a common thing lacking in my spiritual life when I am vulnerable to those feelings: my prayer life is lacking.

Sure, I am still praying with the kids at night, perfunctory prayers before meals and bowing my head at church.  But I am most vulnerable to submitting to my flesh when I am avoiding bowing before my God on a daily, sometimes hourly basis, submitting my thoughts, my actions, my willingness and my pride, to His perfect will.

When I pray for my husband it is so much harder to be angry with him, to be short with him, to be critical of him.

Why?  Because when I am connected to the Vine I am going to bear fruit.  Bear the fruit of patience, self-control, love and, dare I add, the fruit of appreciation.

God provided Mike for me.  Provided me for Mike.  As a wife I need to be raising my husband up to my Father all the time, praying for his protection, for his heart, for his dreams, for his relationship with God.

The Bible speaks of two kinds of wisdom.  I encourage you to read James 3:13-16 and then rest on the rest of the chapter

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17-18

Isn’t it amazing?  When we ask God for wisdom, through an active prayer life, we will receive the wisdom and ability to be exactly the type of wife and woman He wants us to be. 

I am committing to praying for my husband and my marriage fervently.  Will you do the same?

Fatigue, Frustration and Faith

I am tired.

The kind of tired that you feel in your bone marrow.  The kind of tired that no one understands if they do not have chronic illness.  The kind of tired that isn’t phased by a three hour nap.

I have a tendency to push myself.  Goes back to the whole recovering Type A, over achieving, perfection seeking sinner that I am in the flesh.  Frustration creeps in, its sneaky, sticky fingers wrapping around my thoughts.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. {Psalm 38:9-10}

Hot tears of irritation burn my eyes.  I don’t want to be so tired. I don’t want to be sick.  I don’t want to live like this.

Not because I feel like I deserve better. Not because I think it’s unfair. But because I could do and accomplish and help so much more if…

And, I come full circle in this cycle of fatigue, frustration and faith.

For here is the truth:

My desire to “do” for God is unnecessary.  A burden I place on myself.  For what God wants is me.  And, time and time again I prove that the only way to reach me is to slow me down.  So He does.  And, eventually I yield to His desire for me to just be.

Not do.  Not accomplish.  Not help.

Just be.

Be still and know that I am God. {Psalm 46:10}

Today, I am unwrapping the gift that is multiple sclerosis and systemic lupus.  The gift of chronic fatigue that forces allows me moments to just be with my God.

This post is linked here.