The imperfections of a man, his frailties, his faults, are just as important as his virtues.  You can’t separate them.  They’re wedded.  ~Henry Miller

I remember well the days that perfectionism consumed my life.

I suppose I came by the desire quite naturally.  A father who demanded more than the best.  Raised by grandparents whose accomplishments lined the walls.  Perpetuating the “family hedge”…that no matter what was truly going on, we put our “best face” forward to the world.

Every mistake I made was punctuated by the fact that I was, yet again, incapable of grasping the elusive perfection that seemed to come so easily for others.

I carried this knee buckling burden into adulthood for many years.  Perfectionism twisted itself into a suffocating need for control at all costs.

The monster of perfectionism almost ruined my marriage.  Almost ruined my family.  Almost ruined my life.

But, God. {my two favorite words of all time}.

He set me free from the need to please, the need to wear masks and the need to have everything just right.

Don’t get me wrong..it was a process that began four years ago and we {God and I} still work on it daily.  I am a recovering-Type-A-perfectionist-control-freak.

Perfectionism is a monster.  It is authored and touted by the father of lies, the devil.

You may see a perfectly coiffed mom, with perfectly behaved children in adorable matching outfits with a perfect marriage and perfect house and perfect vacations.

That is what you would have seen on the outside, looking in to my life for many years.

On the inside, life festered with open wounds that threatened to infect everything.  Secrets ate away at the foundation of our family and faith, like termites feasting on wood.  It was not until I surrendered the desire for perfection and the need to control to the only One that can handle those inside wounds, that life actually let our family breathe.

Anytime I am tempted to retreat to those old, comfortable patterns of dysfunctional behavior, I mutter the word “monster” to myself and heavenward.  God knows what I mean and He and I battle that monster together.

My two oldest sons did something not so smart over the weekend.

I was disappointed in their behavior.  I was angry at their deception and I was livid that they included a visiting friend in their shenanigans.

Thankfully, I refrained from yelling and screaming like my flesh wanted to.  After making sure everyone was safe, I called the mom of the visiting friend and sent him home with Miss S. as the driver and I sent the other two off to bed.

I laid in bed {I let the hubby sleep through this because he gets up at 3:30am to drive 1 1/2 hours to work} getting angrier and angrier. Then, I turned to my Father and said, Lord, what do you do with these kids and their mistakes?

I had to get out my journal and write down the thoughts He gave me.

• You love them.  Never in our angriest moment should our children doubt that we love them, no matter what mistake they make. I Peter 4:8 tells us to “love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins“.
• You extend grace to them.  Memories of mistakes I made at 15 {much bigger than this mistake!} ran through my mind.  My boys know what they did was wrong.  They are aware of the consequences. They know I am entitled to hold it over their head for awhile, but what good does that really do?  Grace isn’t something you earn, it is a gift.  And, what better way to learn of this gift than from your parents?  “And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace”. ~ Romans 11:6
• You correct them.  Mistakes do have consequences and my boys will be facing those over the next two weeks.  As a matter of fact, I didn’t even have to ask for them to relinquish certain privileges.  Jared brought me his cell phone.  They knew what they were risking when they made the choice they made.  “Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one that heeds correction gains understanding”. ~ Proverbs 15:32
• You move on with them.  We aren’t going to get stuck at the site of a mistake.  We will take the lessons learned and move on.  My kids are good kids with a sin nature, just like their dad and I.  If we focus only on the mistakes, rather than the lessons and the living, than we are missing the point.“For in Him we live and move and have our being”. ~ Acts 17:28a

I am prepared for them to make more mistakes.  Mistakes are the stepping stones of character building. I am just thankful that God reminded me of all of this before the hubby and I sat down with the kids…or much more of my flesh would have shown up!

How do you handle disobedience?

Thank you all so much for the discussion that we had on last week’s topic.

This week I wanted to focus on respect.  Sunday I picked up the latest issue of Home Life magazine at church (shameless self promotion, I am quoted on page 54).  I also picked up the February issue and it had a very convicting article about the spiritual impact of your child’s disrespect. This article stepped all over my mama toes so I wanted to take a few minutes to discuss the meat of it today.

Here is the line that really stuck with me:

If you aren’t teaching your children to respect you, how can you expect them to respect other authority figures, and most importantly, a holy God?

I have to admit that my children were much more respectful of me (in tone, words and actions) when they were smaller.  I take responsibility for the decline in their respect because I am not nearly as consistent with discipline as I was when they were little.

To be honest, it was easier to discipline them when they were five and six years old.  A time out or sending them to bed early nipped behavior in the bud.  My boys were crushed if I was upset or disappointed in them.

That is simply no longer the case!  Grounding from privileges takes a lot of work to enforce and I often find myself giving in.  And, sometimes it really seems ineffective.  However, this article reminded me of parenting principles I had lost sight of including the fact that delayed obedience is disobedience.

Have any of you ever put off listening to God when He lays something on your heart?  I am guilty of that, for sure.  How will our kids ever understand the importance of following through with what God has in store for them if I don’t expect obedience from them the first time I make a request?

The article had the following tips for children that are resisting respect that I found helpful:

• Ban the use of a favorite technology until you see noticeable improvement in your child’s behavior (at this rate Jared will not get his cell phone back until he’s 30)
• Ask your child to rephrase statements to communicate respect (this would probably work better than getting angry and yelling back, huh?)
• Require your child to apologize to others if she (or he) publically displays disrespectful behavior to you. (This one really struck me as something that would be effective.  Kids this age hate being embarrassed yet we allow them to embarrass us with their behavior)
• Draw up a contract that specifically details your expectations and the consequences.  Have your child sign it (we did this after reading this article!)
• Consider seeing a qualified counselor to get to the root of the problem if your child demonstrates excessive aggression.

Aren’t these great tips?  I really needed to read this article because sometimes everyday my kids tell me I am so much stricter than their friend’s parents (and I start having mama guilt).  This article served to remind me that I am not responsible for parenting their friends.  I will give account to God one day for parenting Jason, Jared and Matt.  Period.  And, I am doing them no favors by not expecting the respect I deserve.

Especially when the result of not teaching them the value of respecting authority could have eternal consequences.

What do you think?  I would love to hear in the comments or feel free to write a post about this or any other topic applicable to Teens/Tweens and add it to the linky below.