I am tired.

The kind of tired that you feel in your bone marrow.  The kind of tired that no one understands if they do not have chronic illness.  The kind of tired that isn’t phased by a three hour nap.

I have a tendency to push myself.  Goes back to the whole recovering Type A, over achieving, perfection seeking sinner that I am in the flesh.  Frustration creeps in, its sneaky, sticky fingers wrapping around my thoughts.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. {Psalm 38:9-10}

Hot tears of irritation burn my eyes.  I don’t want to be so tired. I don’t want to be sick.  I don’t want to live like this.

Not because I feel like I deserve better. Not because I think it’s unfair. But because I could do and accomplish and help so much more if…

And, I come full circle in this cycle of fatigue, frustration and faith.

For here is the truth:

My desire to “do” for God is unnecessary.  A burden I place on myself.  For what God wants is me.  And, time and time again I prove that the only way to reach me is to slow me down.  So He does.  And, eventually I yield to His desire for me to just be.

Not do.  Not accomplish.  Not help.

Just be.

Be still and know that I am God. {Psalm 46:10}

Today, I am unwrapping the gift that is multiple sclerosis and systemic lupus.  The gift of chronic fatigue that forces allows me moments to just be with my God.

This post is linked here.

I arrived home from Blissdom with a heavy heart.

Mind you, I had a fabulous time (with a capital F) and learned a lot.

I also realized that I had strayed from my passions- the passions that led me to start this blog in the first place almost two years ago.  I have been working on shifting my focus back to sharing life from my heart with my readers.  (All my product reviews, giveaways, professional organizing advice, etc. will be on my professional organizing site starting March 1st.)

I blog about life.

Life as an adoptive mom of a child with severe emotional and behavioral issues, life as a mama of all boys, life as a mama of all tween/teen boys, life as a wife, life with multiple sclerosis and lupus, life as a former foster child, high school drop out turned teen mom who found Jesus and has never been the same since!

I blog about cutting through the clutter of life…the things that distract us from seeing and enjoying the life and purpose God has for us. When I speak at mom’s groups and women’s events, I usually am either sharing my testimony or sharing how to get control of your calendar, manage your time, set realistic goals and priorities and handle money the way God intended.

I’m glad you stopped by if you are here from Kelly’s Korner and invite you to read my About Me page and/or listen to my intro video to learn a little more about me and this here blog ‘o mine.

Today’s show will focus on Optimism and Chronic Illness.

Here are some links I mention in the show, in case you weren’t able to catch them and the outline of what we will be discussing.

The Power of Attitude:

American Autoimmune Related Diseases Assoc.

Great book: Living Well with Autoimmune Disease

How to have a positive attitude:

• Educate yourself
• Take care of yourself
• Manage fatigue
• Enjoy yourself
• Maintain healthy relationships
• Mind over matter
• Expect bumps (fmaware.org)
• Stockpile fun distractions (fmaware.org)
• Find a hobby (helium)

Are you an optimist or pessimist quiz?  Lifescript

Remember that if you miss the live show, it is available for replay anytime!

Tomorrow’s show topic is Minimizing the Impact of Your Illness on Your Loved Ones.  Here are some tips related to what I share on the show.

• Your family member’s are not stupid, don’t treat them like they are.  Don’t say “I’m fine” if you aren’t.  Trust is an important component of family life.  Don’t become someone your family doesn’t trust.
• Remember that there are things children do not need to know specifics about (including finances and treatments)
• Resist the temptation to downplay your hubby’s headache when everything on your body hurts. Don’t make it a “one up” type of situation.
• If you lash out in anger, forget something important, etc.- apologize.  Don’t apologize for your illness but for your behavior.
• Plan your day so that you are at your best when you are around your family.  If that means taking a nap before they get home, it is worth it.
• Don’t buy in to the lie of the Devil that you are a burden or problem to your family. They love you and need you.
• Reach out.  Don’t shut out.

For all my tips and thoughts on this subject watch the Invisibles tomorrow.

Some of you may remember that I broke out in (what they thought were) hives about six weeks ago.  After almost a month with no relief, the results of a skin biopsy revealed that the hives were actually lupus.  Further testing revealed that I have systemic lupus (and my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis is still also accurate).

The lupus diagnosis hit me kind of hard.  I am normally a pretty positive, give it to God, don’t worry about what you can’t control kind of gal.

I don’t know if it was because this was so unexpected r maybe because I am just human, but I felt sorry for myself with a capital S for a good week.

Isn’t it somebody else’s turn to have some problems?

Why does so and so go through life with no worries and they aren’t even walking with the Lord?

Haven’t I proven myself faithful to You yet, Lord?

I didn’t want to feel that way and prayed that God would help me crawl out of my funk…and He is never One to let me down when I ask for direction.

Ironically (or not) it was the word’s in the book of Job that turned my attitude around:

What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.  I have no peace, no quietness, I have no rest, but only turmoil. Job 3:25-26

Yup that is exactly where I was- keeping myself up at night with the “what-if’s”, the fear of the unknown, googling all the complications that can come from having two complicated autoimmune disorders…

Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?…have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?…Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind? (from the book of Job)

Ouch! God reminded me through those verses and snippets of life experiences He has already brought me through, that I am gfocusing on the wrong thing.  I should not be focusing on the trial but the comforting promise that God already has it handled. This is no surprise to Him.

So, my answer to being thankful and having peace through difficult circumstances also comes from the book of Job (Job’s answer to God and mine too)

I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. Job 42:2-3

I’m not worried.  I’m not mad.  I am thankful that I have a God carrying these burdens for me.  I just have to remember to give Him my burdens each time they rear their ugly heads.