Marriage Tips for Beginners

Mike and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  Every year we celebrate the fact that we have beat the odds, particularly for how young we were when we got married.  Today Sheila encouraged us to look back and think about what we wish we had known when we first became husband and wife.  By sharing those things the hope is that couples who have not been married for quite as long can benefit from the things we have learned in the trenches of marriage.

Here is my (by no means conclusive or exhaustive) list:

• Love is a verb not a feeling.  I do not always “feel” in love with Mike.  I hope that doesn’t sound mean because it’s not.  Most of the time those feelings have little to do with him and more to do with me.  With how busy I am, where I am in relationship with God, my fatigue level and illness.  Do I always love him?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because love is a decision, a choice, an action.  And I make the choice to love him everyday, the decision to be the best wife I can be every day and look for ways to act out that love (like putting the toilet paper so it rolls over even though I am an under girl)
• Date night is not neglecting your kids. I remember how guilty I felt each time (which was rarely back then) that Mike and I would go out alone.  I would spend the whole time calling home to make sure the kids were okay and when I wasn’t calling home I was talking about the kids.  It was years before I realized (after a marriage conference) that spending alone time with my hubby was vital to the health of our relationship. We began making that time sacred, focusing on us and our relationship, doing fun things together (love riding the motorcycle) and our marriage greatly benefited from it.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  A healthy marriage is actually one of the best things you can do for your children!
• Make sure you are on the same page.  So many of our early arguments could have been completely avoided if we understood where the other was coming from.  We frequently sit down and check in with each other to make sure we are working toward the same goals.  If you don’t understand something your spouse said or it seemed hurtful, double check with them.  I am amazed at the times I have told Mike something he said hurt my feelings and he looks at me like I have horns.  The way he said it or his choice of words was not meant to hurt me.  Huh?  Would’ve never known that if I hadn’t asked.
• In your anger do not sin.  The Bible is your life manual and it gives great advice for what NOT to do when you are angry.  Notice God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, He wired us to have feelings and emotions.  Our mandate is to not let the anger get the best of us and lead us to sin.  To lash back, to say hurtful things, to go to bed fuming about something your spouse did, to give the silent treatment…all of those are red flags that we are letting our anger cause us to sin.

I could go on and on with the things God has revealed to me during the last twelve years.  For more sound advice on marriage visit Wifey Wednesdays.

Did I settle? or did God know just what He was doing?

I haven’t participated in Wifey Wednesday in a while but the topic today struck a chord with me.  And you know what happens when a cord is struck?  I write. (and write and edit and write and so on)

…but it does mean that if you’re not happy in your marriage, perhaps we should stop focusing on whether or not he was the right one to marry, and start focusing on how WE can become the right one?

That is the phrase that struck a chord with me in Sheila’s post.  Mike and I got married young.  I was 18 years old, he was 24.  We already had a lot of grown up baggage (he had a son, I had a son and we had one on the way together, we didn’t know Jesus as our personal Savior, etc) to contend with and neither one of us had a grown up in homes that modeled what healthy marriage looked like.

In the early days of our marriage, I sometimes wondered if I had made a mistake.  We were so different.  We handled conflict different, we approached raising children different, we definitely had different approaches when it came to handling money.  Sometimes our differences seemed to etch a chasm between our hearts and prevent us from connecting and communicating.

We had been married a year and a half when I came to know Christ and two years when Mike accepted Jesus into his heart.  I would like to say that knowing God flipped a switch in our relationship and everything was fantabulous from that moment on….but I would be lying.

I can say, however, that as we grew in our faith and in our knowledge of what God intended marriage to be, we began to work on making our marriage better.  We saw a Christian counselor, we I read books, we attended marriage conferences, we sought sound counsel from older couples.

And our marriage evolved.

I went from days of wondering “why did I marry this guy?” to appreciating how God had wired Mike specifically to be my husband (and realizing that not just anyone could handle being married to this gal).  That appreciation has led to a deeper level of intimacy and a respect for my husband that did not exist in the early days of our marriage.

My encouragement to married couples is to seek to recognize the ways that God designed your spouse to complement your personality and needs.  Once you begin to notice the things that make your spouse right for you, it changes the whole dynamic of your relationship.

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing the man I am meant to be with into my life.  Thank you for helping me see that we complete each other instead of giving up when ever discouraging times came our way.  Thank you for creating someone for me that allows me to be myself, that delights in my successes and is willing to go outside of his comfort zone to grow along side me.  Help us all see your design for marriage and adjust our expectations of our spouse accordingly. ~Amen.

Technology and Marriage- a match made in?

I haven’t participated in Wifey Wednesday, hosted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum in quite a while.  But when I read Sheila’s topic for the day I knew God was sending me a message.

I have many friends (in real life) who complain about the amount of time their hubby’s sit in front of the TV, surf the ‘net or engage in gaming (online or video games)

I can’t relate to their issue…but boy, can my husband!

About a year and a half ago, I stumbled across a blog and the rest is history.  I am hooked.  I love blogging.  I love writing.  I love reading other’s posts and connecting with other fabulous women through the internet.

That is not a bad thing.

It becomes a problem when I allow the computer to become an idol in my life.  When I allow Twitter or Facebook updates to become more important than my marriage.  When I say “just give me a minute” as my children clamor for my attention.  That type of behavior is a bad thing.

All the enemy needs in our life is a foothold.  Yes, I feel called by God to engage in the activities on the ‘net that I do (with the exception of Bejeweled ).  However, I have felt convicted since last fall that I was sending a (albeit unintended) message to my family that they are not priorities in my life by needing to look up from my laptop to give them my attention.

So, I did something about it.

I prayed and asked God what I needed to relinquish (some writing commitments, a radio show and a website), what I needed to cut back on (twitter, facebook, time spend blog surfing) and I set a schedule.  This new way of doing things has worked for me since the fall.  As a matter of fact, I have been blessed with several new opportunities that fall within that schedule!  Go God!!

When the internet is a source of income Starbucks money there is a certain amount of time networking, maintaining relationships and actually working that needs to be done.  It is a lie of the enemy that you can do that without a plan and not negatively impact your family.

I set hours for my computer use.  I don’t have the computer on after the kids and hubby get home unless they are otherwise occupied.  I take Sunday’s off from posting.  I plan posts ahead of time (this was hard for me, as I like to write as the mood strikes but I got used to it).  I have said no to opportunities that require me to be online in the evening.

It is possible to juggle (notice, I did not say balance) this unique world of blogging, internet marketing and social media.

Do you agree?  Do you struggle with this?  How do you handle this special juggling act?

The Stranger in the Bed

So today, here’s the question I want to ask: have you ever been at a low point in your marriage? How did you turn it around?

It was a Friday in early 2004.

I won’t go into how frustrating a time it was that the school system was unable to deal with a troubled boy, how patient my employer was with my frequent disappearances to handle emergencies, how this situation impacted our other children…

but I will tell you I felt distraught and I felt alone.

Alone?  Why would I feel alone when I had a husband by my side?

Because we were dealing with the implosion of our family in very different ways.

Retreat. Turn inward.  Immerse yourself in work. Minimize the problem.  That was Mike’s way of coping.

Resent. Over-extend.  Immerse  yourself in guilt and shame.  Try to control the problem.  That was my way of coping.

Neither of us were coping in a way that was conducive to our relationship.  We lay in bed at night, backs to each other, both having so much to say and fall asleep to silence.

When we did speak, it was throwing “You don’t do this” and “You should be doing this” statements around instead of leaning into each other for the support both of us desperately needed at the time.

We spoke of the D word.

Then a Pastor reminded us that this situation was not either one of our doing.  That we had become so focused on the problem we had lost sight of part of the solution- coming together and working as a team.

It took getting some time away together, re-focusing on our marriage as a priority, and some good old-fashioned marriage counseling…but we got through it.

By the grace of God we got through a difficult time.  We did not know it then but that period of trial in our marriage was preparing us for far more difficult times ahead.  Times that we would be able to withstand because our focus was back on our team.

Mike+Melissa+God= A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:12

Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum for more Wifey Wednesday posts.

Being pro-active in marriage

Over the spring and summer I watched the marriage of my best friend unravel.

The process has been incredibly difficult to observe for several reasons.   The main reason is because it was unexpected- to me.

M. and I have been best friends since we were in elementary school, we were in each other’s weddings, present for the birth of babies and vacationed together (as families) for years.

So, when the announcement about a divorce was made I was really in shock.  They hadn’t mentioned that was even on the table.

Am I mad at her?  No.  There are plenty of times that Mike and I have been struggling in our marriage that I have not confided in M. (or anyone else for that matter)

But, now I wonder- is that the best strategy? Should we shield our loved ones and friends from the facts of what is going on in our homes and marriages or should we be more open and transparent so that we can benefit from the support and prayers of those that love us?

There is a part of me that has always wanted to keep our marital issues private.  For the purpose of keeping up appearances at times but also not wanting to speak ill of my husband (which I believe is an important bibical mandate).

Yet, watching the aftermath of a divorce that has hit so close to home has made me stop and realize that marriage requires us to be proactive, particularly if our marriages are going to last.

Seeking Godly counsel, asking for prayer, making quality time with your spouse a priority, finding couples that are like minded to spend time with, finding couples that have been married longer that can serve as an example, and learning God’s plan for marriage need to be part of our daily lives.

Divorce is NOT God’s plan.  While I do not say that in judgment of anyone, I feel strongly that those of us that are married need to do all we can to insure we stay that way.

What do you think contributes to a healthy marriage?  Do you think it is important to keep issues private or share with others?

I would love to know your thoughts.

And for other Wifey Wednesday posts, please visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday- A bit resentful?

Today at Sheila’s blog we are talking marriage and resentment for the Wifey Wednesday meme.  Immediately when I think of resenting our spouse (which I have certainly struggled with as recently as yesterday) you know who comes to my mind?  That daggone Proverbs 31 woman, the woman whom I aspire to be. 

In verse 25 it says she laughs at the days to come.

I wasn’t laughing much this week.  As I may have mentioned incessantly a few times here on the blog and on Twitter that my husband has been working TONS of overtime.  Now, while I know that I should be thankful that he has a job and we can put some money in the savings account- blah, blah, blah I have been getting resentful and irritated about how these hours are affecting my plans.

For example, we were supposed to go to my grandparent’s for a week after church last Sunday.  As I type this it is Wednesday morning, I am at home and not at my grandparents enjoying relaxation and the views of the Chesapeake Bay.  My boys went ahead to my grandparent’s on Sunday afternoon so I miss my kids.  And, if I am being honest I was really resenting Mike about this.

Then in my time with God this morning I was reminded of an important concept held in Ephesians 4:22-24.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Well, hello!  My deceitful desires were not taking into account the fact that one of our cars has broken down, that my husband is blessed to have a job and side work when his company is actively laying people off, and that the way I “feel” and respond to a situation is my choice.

So, today rather than being resentful of  a good thing I am thankful for a husband with the work ethic of Pa Ingalls and I choose contentment rather than resentment through the power of Jesus today.

In Sickness and in Health

12 years ago today I said “I do”. 

 To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what marriage (healthy marriage) that is would look like for me.  I knew that I loved this guy, more than I had ever allowed myself to love anyone.  I knew that we wanted the same things from life and that he was a great father to my baby and the little one we had on the way.  But, a part of me wasn’t getting my hopes up.  I had seen plenty of disappointment and plenty of betrayal in my eighteen years so a part of me was wondering why I was setting myself up for a world of hurt down the road.

Praise the Lord, he knew what was best for me, even before I did! 

To paraphrase Psalm 113, He raised me from the ash heap and seated me with my prince and settled me in our home as the happy mother of children.

Mike and I have been through many things in our marriage.  The happiest of times and the most difficult of times.  God has given me a man who can handle the storms of life and hold the umbrella over me at the same time.

I love you, my sweet hubby, and thank God for you EVERY day.  Here’s to the next 12 and the 12 after that…

Love you more,

Lissa

 

Wifey Wednesday- Kids and dads

 

Oh, so good to be back for Wifey Wednesdays, hosted by Sheila at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.  Today’s topic is about getting your husband involved with child rearing.  It pains my heart to know that many women have difficulty getting their husbands to actively participate in their kid’s lives.  I think we have set up this dynamic with the busyness in our current society and the emphasis on “stuff” versus relationship.  Men who feel pressured to “keep up with the Joneses” are typically absent from the home at the crucial times for developing and maintaining relationships with the kids- meal times.  Studies show that kids who eat dinner with their families get better grades, make better choices with peers and much more.

I also think that sometimes we as mama’s, particularly those of us who like things done our in a particular way, can set dad’s up to not even try to impede on our turf.  For example, if you have just had a baby and don’t let your husband feed the baby, change the baby, comfort the baby at night, etc how do you expect him to feel competent as a father and feel a bond with the baby?  The same is true as our kids get older as well.  We need to be cognizant of whether we are sending messages to our spouse that say- stay out of this parenting thing.  I’ve got it.

In our house we have fun nights with one parent/one child.  Matt and Mike just had one the other night.  They went to a restuarant (of Matt’s choice), played mini-golf (again Matt’s choice) and went to a local RV place to window shop.  Spending time just the two of them, without older brothers in the mix, allows Mike to know what is going on in Matt’s life and feel more like a part of his world (which with Matt is an accomplishment as I think that very few people actually exist in that world LOL).  As a mama and a wife, my role was to make sure that outing got on the calendar.  That’s all- then step aside and let dads be dads.

Any thoughts?  Do any of you struggle with getting your spouse to actively engage in parenting?  Have any of you overcome this problem?  Feel free to join in the conversation