Back to submitting

I spent a lot of time broken before God (and my hubby) last night and this morning. 

It is a long story but it boils down to my flesh wanting something (really bad), rationalizing why it would be a great thing for me to do (for my blog, for my ministry, for ME, ME, ME), resenting my husband for not supporting it.

Is going to a blogging conference bad? No!  I am going (with my hubby’s blessing and support) to three more this year. But, EVO was not meant to be for me (even though I won a ticket, won a site redesign and had a partial sponsorship).  And, instead of submitting to my husband’s wishes about this two weeks ago, I dug my heels in.  I was stubborn, determined and wasted so much time and energy pursuing something that in the end was for naught.

You see, God knew (and my husband’s spirit was burdened) that something was going to come up last night with our oldest son, Jason.  Not just anyone can deal with the issues that arise with Jason because of his special needs.  He needs me this weekend.  Mike is going to be away on a father-son campout all weekend with Jared and Matt.

  If I had been on a plane tomorrow and then found out that Jason would need me this weekend- what would I have done then?

My hubby loves me enough not to have said “I told you so” last night as I cried.  Why would I ever doubt my husband’s authority?  Why would I let my stubborn flesh interfere with being present to hear God?  Why would I have been happy to get on a plane to go thousands of miles away from my family when one of them needs me?

No, I am not going to continue to beat myself up.  I know there is no condemnation in Christ.  And, I am still looking forward to going to the other conferences on my schedule, Lord willing.

But, I am going to repent of my clouded judgment and once again, daily, minute by minute, submit to the wisdom of my husband and my God.

Why do you think this is so hard?  Or is it just me?

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday.  You can also join me each Monday for Holy Housewives, a book club where we read books about biblical womanhood and discuss how we feel and what we learn.

Sleeping with the dogs

I lay, nuzzled in the crook of my beloved’s arm.  The rhythmic beat of his heart begins to lull me to sleep.

Then, it happens. 

A little white furball (aka a 5 lb mini schnauzer named Chloe) needs to change positions and places her rump right under my chin.

My husband’s chest moves, as he begins to chuckle.  I adjust my position to accomodate Chloe and, in doing so, displace our chihuahua, Miles who had made himself comfortable above my head.

Incredulously, I ask my husband what he finds so humerous about these shenanigans.

“Did you ever think we would be THE people that let their dogs take over the bed?” he asks, still laughing.

I begin to laugh too which disrupts the dogs even more…they think it must be play time with all the fun we are having.

I ponder his question and the answer makes me smile.

You see, I have always been one of those people who would sleep with their dogs.  But, it wasn’t until a year ago, when little Chloe entered the picture and so effectively wrapped herself around my husband’s little finger (and penetrated his tough exterior), that he became one of those people too.

Good thing we have all boy children!

This post is linked to Tuesdays Unwrapped.

Trust and Obey

 

There has been a lot of buzz around the blogosphere regarding this challenge for married women.

I grew up influenced by my very liberal grandmother.  She has a PhD in political science and has experienced a great deal of success and advancement in her career.  I love and respect her for that.  And I was led astray by many of the things she taught me.

I myself am a college educated, consider myself semi intelligent, human being. 

And yet I believe that I should *gasp* submit to my husband’s authority.

I had to learn God’s intention for this word, this concept.  I had to learn why it is important enough to be in His word.  I had to learn that God doesn’t want anything but the best for His children and His design for marriage is perfect.

I submit to my husband’s authority in our marriage. Me (Miss Opinionated, headstrong, Type A personality, slight tendency to be controlling) Me.  If I can wrap my brain and heart around this, you can too!

 It hasn’t always been that way for us but things have been so much better and sweeter between us since we both started living our marriage by God’s design.

I want to take the time to type some verses in their entire context:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which He is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church–for we are members of his body.  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.  This is a profound mystery–but I am talking about Christ and the church.  However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband.  Ephesians 5:22-33  (emphasis mine)

What is sooo scary about having your husband love you, as much as Christ loves the church, and you respecting your husband? 

I love, respect, submit, trust and obey my husband.  And to me that is a finer thing.

Excuse me, I have a challenge to join!

Living Sacrifices in Marriage

Today, Sheila did a wonderful job today exposing some of the misconceptions about men and women common in today’s society.  I encourage you to take a moment and read her thoughts.

Her writing prompted me to think about how gender roles have affected my mindset and my marriage.

First things first- I am a girly girl.  Always have been. 

I do not like to get my hands dirty, I am scared to death of bugs and snakes, I am certainly not a daredevil and nothing makes me smile quite like chocolate and a pedicure.

 I like pink and purple, things that are monogrammed, candles, perfume and shoes…I really like shoes.  I’ve been told I have been this way since infancy.

I also like football and riding on the back of my hubby’s Harley.

That is how God made me. 

The world would like to see me exchange my femininity for equality.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe that we (men and women) are equal in the eyes of the One that matters.  But I am pretty sure that God didn’t make a mistake when he made me a woman.

And God gave me a man…a dark haired, solid, masculine husband.  And even though I am very much a woman I still took that man, the man God made for me, and for far too long emasculated him with my words, my actions and my attitude.

Life experiences and hurt had caused me to want to strike out before I could be hurt, to resist being vulnerable, to make daggone sure I was not being controlled.

And the world makes that type of behavior easy for us.  Pick up any mainstream magazine today and you will find articles about how to make your spouse what you think they should be. 

God changed my heart on this through healing the wounds of my past and showing me His design for marriage.  And this verse from Romans helps me when I am tempted to resort back to those coping mechanisms and worldly views of marriage:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will.  Romans 12:2

When we are trying to figure out how to treat our spouse, how to define our role as a wife, how to *gasp* submit, we need simply to allow our minds to be renewed by the power of the Holy Spirit and we will know what is good, pleasing and perfect.  His will for our marriage.

I don’t know about you but I want my marriage to be defined by my Maker, not society.

Living with me

 I heard John and Staci Eldredge as the question: What is it like to live with you?  They suggested you ask this question of your spouse. 

I’ll let you in on a little secret.  I don’t want to ask Mike what it is like to live with me.  I can hardly stand to live with myself on most days. 

But I did take the question to God today.  And all I have to say is “ouch”.

There are some things I need to let God work on to mold me into the kind of wife (I would want to live with, let alone the type of wife) that Mike deserves. 

Less of me, more of him.

Less of me, more of Him.

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday.

Controlling? Me? Never!

Sheila does this every week….picks a topic for Wifey Wednesday that I strongly resonate with (maybe a little too strongly in this case).  Today’s topic is “Losing the control freak inside you”.  I read that title to my darling hubby as I prepared to type out this post and he laughed.  Hard.

I will preface this post by saying (as I say often) that I am a recovering Type A.  I am the first born.  I tend towards the controlling side of the spectrum. I acknowledge that and pray daily for more of God and less of me.  Almost thirteen years of marriage later this is still a struggle for me but baby, I’ve come a long way (by the grace of God and the patience of my husband) and here is how:

• Embracing God’s plan for marriage.  In Genesis 2: 23-24 God lays out His design for our marriages.  I am a gift to my husband, made to be his helper and partner for life.  When you cherish that role, rather then resent it, respecting your husband and God’s desire for your marriage is so much easier.
• Embracing the uniqueness of our union. No two people are exactly alike.  Neither are any two marriages.  Marriage blends two unique individuals into a unique partnership.  Mike and I didn’t have great role models of marriage growing up.  I found myself early in our relationship trying to make our marriage look like what I thought it should look like.  The problem is I was getting my concept of what marriage should look like from magazines, TV, peers and society in general.  Only when I turned to God and His Word was I able to appreciate how Mike and I compliment each others differences.  We truly bring out the best in each other (funny how God designs these things isn’t it?).
• Embracing marriage’s limitations.  One of my favorite sayings is that there is a God shaped hole in everyone’s heart.  A hole that only He can fill.  Marriage was designed by God.  However, it was not designed to replace the vital role that only He can fill.  When we look to our husbands to meet needs that only God can and heal wounds that only God can we are going to end up miserable.  The level of intimacy and friendship that Mike and I enjoy did not develop until I acknowledged that I needed God to meet my emotional needs, not Mike.  Do you know how much pressure we take off our marriages when we take our needs to the One that can actually meet them?  It truly is life changing.

So, do I have the perfect marriage?  No.  Do I have a great marriage?  Yes.  Am I controlling and domineering like I was in the beginning? No.  Do I still get antsy if we are running late? Absolutely!

Marriage Tips for Beginners

Mike and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  Every year we celebrate the fact that we have beat the odds, particularly for how young we were when we got married.  Today Sheila encouraged us to look back and think about what we wish we had known when we first became husband and wife.  By sharing those things the hope is that couples who have not been married for quite as long can benefit from the things we have learned in the trenches of marriage.

Here is my (by no means conclusive or exhaustive) list:

• Love is a verb not a feeling.  I do not always “feel” in love with Mike.  I hope that doesn’t sound mean because it’s not.  Most of the time those feelings have little to do with him and more to do with me.  With how busy I am, where I am in relationship with God, my fatigue level and illness.  Do I always love him?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because love is a decision, a choice, an action.  And I make the choice to love him everyday, the decision to be the best wife I can be every day and look for ways to act out that love (like putting the toilet paper so it rolls over even though I am an under girl)
• Date night is not neglecting your kids. I remember how guilty I felt each time (which was rarely back then) that Mike and I would go out alone.  I would spend the whole time calling home to make sure the kids were okay and when I wasn’t calling home I was talking about the kids.  It was years before I realized (after a marriage conference) that spending alone time with my hubby was vital to the health of our relationship. We began making that time sacred, focusing on us and our relationship, doing fun things together (love riding the motorcycle) and our marriage greatly benefited from it.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  A healthy marriage is actually one of the best things you can do for your children!
• Make sure you are on the same page.  So many of our early arguments could have been completely avoided if we understood where the other was coming from.  We frequently sit down and check in with each other to make sure we are working toward the same goals.  If you don’t understand something your spouse said or it seemed hurtful, double check with them.  I am amazed at the times I have told Mike something he said hurt my feelings and he looks at me like I have horns.  The way he said it or his choice of words was not meant to hurt me.  Huh?  Would’ve never known that if I hadn’t asked.
• In your anger do not sin.  The Bible is your life manual and it gives great advice for what NOT to do when you are angry.  Notice God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, He wired us to have feelings and emotions.  Our mandate is to not let the anger get the best of us and lead us to sin.  To lash back, to say hurtful things, to go to bed fuming about something your spouse did, to give the silent treatment…all of those are red flags that we are letting our anger cause us to sin.

I could go on and on with the things God has revealed to me during the last twelve years.  For more sound advice on marriage visit Wifey Wednesdays.

Did I settle? or did God know just what He was doing?

I haven’t participated in Wifey Wednesday in a while but the topic today struck a chord with me.  And you know what happens when a cord is struck?  I write. (and write and edit and write and so on)

…but it does mean that if you’re not happy in your marriage, perhaps we should stop focusing on whether or not he was the right one to marry, and start focusing on how WE can become the right one?

That is the phrase that struck a chord with me in Sheila’s post.  Mike and I got married young.  I was 18 years old, he was 24.  We already had a lot of grown up baggage (he had a son, I had a son and we had one on the way together, we didn’t know Jesus as our personal Savior, etc) to contend with and neither one of us had a grown up in homes that modeled what healthy marriage looked like.

In the early days of our marriage, I sometimes wondered if I had made a mistake.  We were so different.  We handled conflict different, we approached raising children different, we definitely had different approaches when it came to handling money.  Sometimes our differences seemed to etch a chasm between our hearts and prevent us from connecting and communicating.

We had been married a year and a half when I came to know Christ and two years when Mike accepted Jesus into his heart.  I would like to say that knowing God flipped a switch in our relationship and everything was fantabulous from that moment on….but I would be lying.

I can say, however, that as we grew in our faith and in our knowledge of what God intended marriage to be, we began to work on making our marriage better.  We saw a Christian counselor, we I read books, we attended marriage conferences, we sought sound counsel from older couples.

And our marriage evolved.

I went from days of wondering “why did I marry this guy?” to appreciating how God had wired Mike specifically to be my husband (and realizing that not just anyone could handle being married to this gal).  That appreciation has led to a deeper level of intimacy and a respect for my husband that did not exist in the early days of our marriage.

My encouragement to married couples is to seek to recognize the ways that God designed your spouse to complement your personality and needs.  Once you begin to notice the things that make your spouse right for you, it changes the whole dynamic of your relationship.

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing the man I am meant to be with into my life.  Thank you for helping me see that we complete each other instead of giving up when ever discouraging times came our way.  Thank you for creating someone for me that allows me to be myself, that delights in my successes and is willing to go outside of his comfort zone to grow along side me.  Help us all see your design for marriage and adjust our expectations of our spouse accordingly. ~Amen.

Technology and Marriage- a match made in?

I haven’t participated in Wifey Wednesday, hosted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum in quite a while.  But when I read Sheila’s topic for the day I knew God was sending me a message.

I have many friends (in real life) who complain about the amount of time their hubby’s sit in front of the TV, surf the ‘net or engage in gaming (online or video games)

I can’t relate to their issue…but boy, can my husband!

About a year and a half ago, I stumbled across a blog and the rest is history.  I am hooked.  I love blogging.  I love writing.  I love reading other’s posts and connecting with other fabulous women through the internet.

That is not a bad thing.

It becomes a problem when I allow the computer to become an idol in my life.  When I allow Twitter or Facebook updates to become more important than my marriage.  When I say “just give me a minute” as my children clamor for my attention.  That type of behavior is a bad thing.

All the enemy needs in our life is a foothold.  Yes, I feel called by God to engage in the activities on the ‘net that I do (with the exception of Bejeweled ).  However, I have felt convicted since last fall that I was sending a (albeit unintended) message to my family that they are not priorities in my life by needing to look up from my laptop to give them my attention.

So, I did something about it.

I prayed and asked God what I needed to relinquish (some writing commitments, a radio show and a website), what I needed to cut back on (twitter, facebook, time spend blog surfing) and I set a schedule.  This new way of doing things has worked for me since the fall.  As a matter of fact, I have been blessed with several new opportunities that fall within that schedule!  Go God!!

When the internet is a source of income Starbucks money there is a certain amount of time networking, maintaining relationships and actually working that needs to be done.  It is a lie of the enemy that you can do that without a plan and not negatively impact your family.

I set hours for my computer use.  I don’t have the computer on after the kids and hubby get home unless they are otherwise occupied.  I take Sunday’s off from posting.  I plan posts ahead of time (this was hard for me, as I like to write as the mood strikes but I got used to it).  I have said no to opportunities that require me to be online in the evening.

It is possible to juggle (notice, I did not say balance) this unique world of blogging, internet marketing and social media.

Do you agree?  Do you struggle with this?  How do you handle this special juggling act?

The Stranger in the Bed

So today, here’s the question I want to ask: have you ever been at a low point in your marriage? How did you turn it around?

It was a Friday in early 2004.

I won’t go into how frustrating a time it was that the school system was unable to deal with a troubled boy, how patient my employer was with my frequent disappearances to handle emergencies, how this situation impacted our other children…

but I will tell you I felt distraught and I felt alone.

Alone?  Why would I feel alone when I had a husband by my side?

Because we were dealing with the implosion of our family in very different ways.

Retreat. Turn inward.  Immerse yourself in work. Minimize the problem.  That was Mike’s way of coping.

Resent. Over-extend.  Immerse  yourself in guilt and shame.  Try to control the problem.  That was my way of coping.

Neither of us were coping in a way that was conducive to our relationship.  We lay in bed at night, backs to each other, both having so much to say and fall asleep to silence.

When we did speak, it was throwing “You don’t do this” and “You should be doing this” statements around instead of leaning into each other for the support both of us desperately needed at the time.

We spoke of the D word.

Then a Pastor reminded us that this situation was not either one of our doing.  That we had become so focused on the problem we had lost sight of part of the solution- coming together and working as a team.

It took getting some time away together, re-focusing on our marriage as a priority, and some good old-fashioned marriage counseling…but we got through it.

By the grace of God we got through a difficult time.  We did not know it then but that period of trial in our marriage was preparing us for far more difficult times ahead.  Times that we would be able to withstand because our focus was back on our team.

Mike+Melissa+God= A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:12

Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum for more Wifey Wednesday posts.

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