Fatigue, Frustration and Faith

I am tired.

The kind of tired that you feel in your bone marrow.  The kind of tired that no one understands if they do not have chronic illness.  The kind of tired that isn’t phased by a three hour nap.

I have a tendency to push myself.  Goes back to the whole recovering Type A, over achieving, perfection seeking sinner that I am in the flesh.  Frustration creeps in, its sneaky, sticky fingers wrapping around my thoughts.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. {Psalm 38:9-10}

Hot tears of irritation burn my eyes.  I don’t want to be so tired. I don’t want to be sick.  I don’t want to live like this.

Not because I feel like I deserve better. Not because I think it’s unfair. But because I could do and accomplish and help so much more if…

And, I come full circle in this cycle of fatigue, frustration and faith.

For here is the truth:

My desire to “do” for God is unnecessary.  A burden I place on myself.  For what God wants is me.  And, time and time again I prove that the only way to reach me is to slow me down.  So He does.  And, eventually I yield to His desire for me to just be.

Not do.  Not accomplish.  Not help.

Just be.

Be still and know that I am God. {Psalm 46:10}

Today, I am unwrapping the gift that is multiple sclerosis and systemic lupus.  The gift of chronic fatigue that forces allows me moments to just be with my God.

This post is linked here.

Invisible Tuesday

Some of you know that I host a MomTV show on Wednesdays (at 1pm EST) called The Invisibles. The show focuses on living well with chronic/invisible illness.  To help my listeners and to educate my readers, I am going to start posting on the same topic that my show will focus on each week on Tuesdays.

Tomorrow’s show topic is Minimizing the Impact of Your Illness on Your Loved Ones.  Here are some tips related to what I share on the show.

• Your family member’s are not stupid, don’t treat them like they are.  Don’t say “I’m fine” if you aren’t.  Trust is an important component of family life.  Don’t become someone your family doesn’t trust.
• Remember that there are things children do not need to know specifics about (including finances and treatments)
• Resist the temptation to downplay your hubby’s headache when everything on your body hurts. Don’t make it a “one up” type of situation.
• If you lash out in anger, forget something important, etc.- apologize.  Don’t apologize for your illness but for your behavior.
• Plan your day so that you are at your best when you are around your family.  If that means taking a nap before they get home, it is worth it.
• Don’t buy in to the lie of the Devil that you are a burden or problem to your family. They love you and need you.
• Reach out.  Don’t shut out.

For all my tips and thoughts on this subject watch the Invisibles tomorrow.

Thankful no matter what…

Today’s theme for Thankful Thursday is trials.  I think that is an appropriate topic for me to write about given the events of the last few weeks (or my whole life if you want to get technical).

Some of you may remember that I broke out in (what they thought were) hives about six weeks ago.  After almost a month with no relief, the results of a skin biopsy revealed that the hives were actually lupus.  Further testing revealed that I have systemic lupus (and my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis is still also accurate).

The lupus diagnosis hit me kind of hard.  I am normally a pretty positive, give it to God, don’t worry about what you can’t control kind of gal.

I don’t know if it was because this was so unexpected r maybe because I am just human, but I felt sorry for myself with a capital S for a good week.

Isn’t it somebody else’s turn to have some problems?

Why does so and so go through life with no worries and they aren’t even walking with the Lord?

Haven’t I proven myself faithful to You yet, Lord?

I didn’t want to feel that way and prayed that God would help me crawl out of my funk…and He is never One to let me down when I ask for direction.

Ironically (or not) it was the word’s in the book of Job that turned my attitude around:

What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.  I have no peace, no quietness, I have no rest, but only turmoil. Job 3:25-26

Yup that is exactly where I was- keeping myself up at night with the “what-if’s”, the fear of the unknown, googling all the complications that can come from having two complicated autoimmune disorders…

Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?…have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?…Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind? (from the book of Job)

Ouch! God reminded me through those verses and snippets of life experiences He has already brought me through, that I am gfocusing on the wrong thing.  I should not be focusing on the trial but the comforting promise that God already has it handled. This is no surprise to Him.

So, my answer to being thankful and having peace through difficult circumstances also comes from the book of Job (Job’s answer to God and mine too)

I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. Job 42:2-3

I’m not worried.  I’m not mad.  I am thankful that I have a God carrying these burdens for me.  I just have to remember to give Him my burdens each time they rear their ugly heads.