Helicopter Parenting or Parenting Parenting?

My kids often accuse suggest to me that I am overly strict and involved in their lives. While I would probably have to plead “no contest” to such a charge in court, I think, I hope and I pray that I am doing this whole mama thing right.  But am I?

For example: an eleven year old girl in our neighborhood is aggressively pursuing my thirteen year old son (about to be fourteen in a month).  Her facebook photo is of her in a bikini (for crying out loud).  I have intervened by informing her that her facebook messages to him are inappropriate (because I monitor all his facebook messages).  I have intervened by bringing my son inside when she is riding her bike past our house obsessively while he is playing basketball (in our driveway).  That (so far) has been the extent of my “psychopathic parenting”–quoting my son on that one.  I think he is flattered by the attention.

What I want to do is hunt down the parents of this child and shake ask them if they are asleep on the job or what?  Are you aware that your ELEVEN year old daughter is this focused on the opposite sex? It is truly frightening to me.

What I should do is where I falter.

When I intervene as I have am I over reacting?

Are these issues my son needs to handle on his own?

I don’t have all the answers to this parenting teen thing.  I pray without ceasing about these boys that God has entrusted to my care.

I will give account for my parenting one day…

Am I helicopter parenting or parenting parenting?

I don’t know- do you?

Please feel free to submit your posts about parenting teens/tweens in the MckLinky.

He’s My Son

Chubby little fingers find their way into my hand.

His (almost) three year old little self pulls me energetically towards the kittens down the hall… “Tome on mommy, let’s go look at the kitties” (except he said his hard c’s and k’s like t’s so you can imagine how comical that was).  The fact that he is calling me mommy just a few days after we met is not lost on me and I feel the weight of what that could mean with each step down the hall.

He’s my son.

(Almost) three years later we sit in the back of the car together.  He again slides his hand into mine as we drive away from his old life and toward a new life in our home.  He is stoic, already jaded by his experiences and the disappointments life can present.  He doesn’t cry. He doesn’t ask why.  He just holds my hand and doesn’t look back.

He’s my son.

(almost) Three years later he struggles to integrate into a “normal” family.  Life is full of extremes.  One minute enjoying the warmth of his mama’s lap while she reads Captain Underpants, the next striking out in anger because he didn’t like the way his eggs were cooked.  One day winning the county art award for his drawing of outer space, aptly entitled “I’d Rather Be Dreaming”, the next hiding under his bed and screaming like a caged animal at the thought of going to school.  One day having a sleep over birthday party with his friends and eating ice cream cake that turned his teeth black, the next being admitted to the psychiatric hospital (again) for being unable to control his anger and hurting his brothers and I. The adoption becomes final and it’s official…

He’s my son.

(almost) three years later and he lives in a “therapeutic” setting.  His behavior controlled for the most part, after years of therapy and learning the skills he didn’t learn at those critical years between 1 and 5.  One day he tries to do his best, the next he feels hopeless and wonders why he should bother.  He wishes he could come home, so do I.  He grows tall and handsome like his daddy.  He just may be okay.

He’s my son.

“Come on, mom.  I want to show you something”.  Now taller than me, he still longs to please me.  He opens a book, full of drawings of wild cats.  “I think I know what I want to do when I get out of here” (otherwise known as graduate).  He has hopes, he has dreams.  He has potential.  And, despite all that has transpired in the last 14 years…

He’s my son.

And I love him.  I’m proud of him. If I could take away his struggles I would.  If I could bear his burden myself I would.  If I could change what happened to him and what he did to us I would.  Gladly.  Happily.  Knowing that my boy would be okay.

He is seventeen today.  Almost a full grown man.  And still…you guessed it, my son.  This video says it better than I ever could.  And, is perfect for Holy Week.  Thinking of what another mother must have been feeling two thousand years ago.

Happy Birthday, Jason!  I love you!

Teen/Tween Thursday- Family Time

This week I would like to expand on a post I wrote earlier in the week.  When parenting teens/tweens quality family time can be difficult.  Our kids don’t necessarily want to spend time with us. Let’s face it: we are not cool (at least to our kids ) This week I recognized the importance of focusing on my sons interests in order to engage his attention.

So, how can we make sure that we are available to our kids?  What are some things that we can do with them to maintain a bond?  Here are some of my ideas and I would love to hear yours as well!

• Eat dinner together. This is so important!  Many studies have touted the value of eating as a family. It is a great time for discussion, questions and family time.  I am always amused listening to the things that my boys think are discussion worthy.  And, be sure to take some pressure off of yourself.  What you serve as the meal is less important than the fact that you are all sitting down together to eat and talk.
• Avoid overscheduling.  If your child is involved in too many activities there will not be any time left over to spend together as a family.  We limit the kids to one extra-curricular activity a semester (not including church related activities).  We treat our family time as sacred, it goes on the calendar just like anything else.  Making time together a priority sends a strong message to your kids that you value them and want to spend time with them.
• Take advantage of a captive audience.  Even without overscheduling we spend a lot of time in the mom taxi.  Use this time to engage your kids in conversation.  Middle school boys can tend toward monosyllabic answers so I end up asking a lot of open ended questions to solicit some feedback.  Play a game in the car. Crank up the worship music and sing together.  Enjoy your kids.
• Volunteer together.  Serving others together is a great way to bond and spend time with your kids.  And, it is something that will hopefully inspire your kids to develop a servants heart for others and take that passion into adulthood.

What are some of the ways that you spend quality time with your teen/tween? Leave your answer in the comments.  And, as always, if you have a post that deals with teen/tween issues please link the permalink to that post on our MckLinky below.

Teens and Respect

Thank you all so much for the discussion that we had on last week’s topic.

This week I wanted to focus on respect.  Sunday I picked up the latest issue of Home Life magazine at church (shameless self promotion, I am quoted on page 54).  I also picked up the February issue and it had a very convicting article about the spiritual impact of your child’s disrespect. This article stepped all over my mama toes so I wanted to take a few minutes to discuss the meat of it today.

Here is the line that really stuck with me:

If you aren’t teaching your children to respect you, how can you expect them to respect other authority figures, and most importantly, a holy God?

I have to admit that my children were much more respectful of me (in tone, words and actions) when they were smaller.  I take responsibility for the decline in their respect because I am not nearly as consistent with discipline as I was when they were little.

To be honest, it was easier to discipline them when they were five and six years old.  A time out or sending them to bed early nipped behavior in the bud.  My boys were crushed if I was upset or disappointed in them.

That is simply no longer the case!  Grounding from privileges takes a lot of work to enforce and I often find myself giving in.  And, sometimes it really seems ineffective.  However, this article reminded me of parenting principles I had lost sight of including the fact that delayed obedience is disobedience.

Have any of you ever put off listening to God when He lays something on your heart?  I am guilty of that, for sure.  How will our kids ever understand the importance of following through with what God has in store for them if I don’t expect obedience from them the first time I make a request?

The article had the following tips for children that are resisting respect that I found helpful:

• Ban the use of a favorite technology until you see noticeable improvement in your child’s behavior (at this rate Jared will not get his cell phone back until he’s 30)
• Ask your child to rephrase statements to communicate respect (this would probably work better than getting angry and yelling back, huh?)
• Require your child to apologize to others if she (or he) publically displays disrespectful behavior to you. (This one really struck me as something that would be effective.  Kids this age hate being embarrassed yet we allow them to embarrass us with their behavior)
• Draw up a contract that specifically details your expectations and the consequences.  Have your child sign it (we did this after reading this article!)
• Consider seeing a qualified counselor to get to the root of the problem if your child demonstrates excessive aggression.

Aren’t these great tips?  I really needed to read this article because sometimes everyday my kids tell me I am so much stricter than their friend’s parents (and I start having mama guilt).  This article served to remind me that I am not responsible for parenting their friends.  I will give account to God one day for parenting Jason, Jared and Matt.  Period.  And, I am doing them no favors by not expecting the respect I deserve.

Especially when the result of not teaching them the value of respecting authority could have eternal consequences.

What do you think?  I would love to hear in the comments or feel free to write a post about this or any other topic applicable to Teens/Tweens and add it to the linky below.

Suffer the little children…

As most of you know I have a passion for parentless children.  Whether that be orphans in Haiti or foster children here in the United States, I believe in the promise of Psalm 68:6 where the Bible says:

God sets the lonely in families…

I love that verse.  If you want to be further inspired about this important topic, my friend Kim is guest posting on @RealLifeSarah’s blog.  You can read her touching story here.

Then read below to see how you can get more information about an organization that finds forever families for children that need them.

Last year AdoptUsKids hosted two adoption chats on Twitter.  As a result, some Twitter users actually made the decision to move forward with the adoption process.

If you missed our earlier events, please join us for a live Twitter party later this month, sponsored by AdoptUsKids. AdoptUsKids is a national project whose role is to recruit and connect foster and adoptive families with waiting children throughout the United States.

Funded by the Children’s Bureau of the Administration for Children and Families, AdoptUsKids hosts a national photo listing website contains photos and information about children in foster care waiting for families to adopt them. You may have seen some of the Public Service Announcements with the message “You don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent.”

Each year the campaign has a specialized target, based on the needs of children in care.  This year’s focus is finding homes for African-American children in care, who make up 31% of the children waiting to be adopted. African-American children are overrepresented in the foster care population relative to their percentage in the U.S. general population. Because of this, African American children often wait longer to be adopted.

To learn more about adopting from foster care and how to help spread the word about children in care waiting for a forever family, please visit AdoptUsKids. To search for children in your area, visit the AdoptUsKids Child Search.

Please join us Tuesday, February 23rd from 2:00 to 3:00 p.m. EST on Twitter for a safe and open informational chat about the benefits of adoption, as well as adoption from foster care with representatives from AdoptUsKids.

To participate, please follow @AdoptUsKids and @resourcefulmom, and use the hashtag #AdoptUsKids. Facebook users may also wish to become a fan of AdoptUsKids on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/AdoptUsKids.

This campaign is brought to you by Global Influence Network.

Understanding Tweens…is it possible?

I am an all or nothing kind of gal.

The upside:  I am fiercely loyal, totally committed and extremely stubborn determined.

The downside: I am extremely determined stubborn, a tad perfectionistic and  a smidge moody

I was on the downside of my personality lately.  Parenting 12 and 13 year olds every day and a 16 year old from afar has pushed me to (what I thought was) my limit.

I felt like a FAILURE with a capital F.

That doesn’t feel good.  The recovering Type A that I am does not take nicely to the F word.

I finally took these feelings to God (why do I too often make that my last stop?) and he expanded my perspective.

So now, instead of feeling responsible for my child’s bad choices, I’m going to allow natural consequences to occur and let the child feel those ramifications, rather than me. (I do not think for a second this will be easy but with God all things are possible)

Instead of focusing on what I cannot change (my child’s choices) I am going to focus on what I will one day be held accountable for (which is NOT my child’s choices):

My Parenting

I am reading an excellent book called Disconnected, Parenting Teens in a Myspace World.  I am not completely through the book yet but I know there is a reason God led me to pick it up off the book shelf (where it has been collecting dust for quite a few months) and here it is…

In the long run the only question that matters is, “Is who I am, how I live, and how I parent providing my child the very best chance to see and experience the Jesus who died to redeem them?” (pg 31)

Wow!  Let me just say that asking myself this question (several times) each day has already helped me focus on the process of parenting, not the outcome.

God also reminded me that while these circumstances may pain me it is actually good that my children make these type of mistakes while they are still under my daily influence and discipline. None of the choices they have made are the end of the world (by any means) and that my past mistakes (a big stumbling block for me) do not predict my child’s behavior.

God has entrusted my hubby and I with part of the mining process…it is up to Him (and Matt, Jared and Jason) to make them shine like diamonds some day.

I was failing…because I was trying to do this parenting thing in my own strength.  But I have humbled myself and come near to God (James 4) and He has proven faithful in renewing my strength and giving me a new parenting perspective.

*just an FYI: if you click on the link and purchase the book mentioned I will make a small commission as an Amazon affiliate*

Monday Mingle

I love participating in the Monday Mingle, hosted by Speedy at Eighty MPH Mom.  You get to know other bloggers, see their sweet faces and interact through another medium (other than our standard font LOL)

This week the questions were:

If you could be any literary/movie character who would you be?

What is your biggest phobia?

Do you have pets? What are they and what are their names?

And here are my answers:

Join us for the fun on video or leave me your answers in the comments!

Expect the Unexpected

Today for Thankful Thursday, our host Lynne chose the theme of being thankful for the unexpected.

Ha! That could be the theme of my life so I decided to do a little time line post of how God took the unexpected (to me, not to Him) and worked it for good in my life.

• Time in foster care When I was a tween girl my family imploded.  The result was myself (and eventually my brothers) being removed from our home for a time.  While I am fortunate that my time in foster care  was not long term (about a year and then I went to live with my grandparents) I am thankful for it now.  It softened my heart and created a passion in me for orphans and foster children to have forever families.
• Teen pregnancy While it can be argued that pregnancy should not have surprised me, given my promiscuous lifestyle at the time, I was nonetheless shocked when I learned I was pregnant at 16.  Those of you that know the rest of the story know that being a teen mom is what led me to finding the redeeming grace of Jesus.  How can I not be thankful for that?
• Chronic Illness I certainly never imagined that diseases I cannot control would have such an impact on my life.  But, like only He can, God has used my inability to maintain my previous break-neck speed lifestyle to woo me back to His side.  I have such a feeling of purpose and peace that I didn’t know before I became ill.

I could go on and on about the way God has used unexpected trials to produce unlimited blessings and growth in my life.  And I am so thankful for every one!

Tale of Two Houses

There once was a girl with a house:

It’s time to move, agreed her spouse.

So, they packed up their things,

tried not to cling

and prepared  to create a new adventure.

The ugly border must go

Hard work and time will show

That this house can be home

It matters not where you roam

Home is with the people you love.

Memories stay in  your heart

and plenty we have to impart

to our kids and theirs, regardless of where

our address says we live.

So goodbye to the old and hello to the new

A practical home we christen too

A new phase in life

Hopefully with less strife

and plenty of memories yet to come.

*We are busy moving between the two houses and so my posting will be sporadic for a little while.  Please bear with me*

This post is linked with Wordless and Wordful Wednesday here and here.

Holiday Help to the Rescue

We are all probably feeling the stress (remind me not to ever move during the holidays again, mmm kay?) of the Christmas season, at least a little, right.  Please tell me I’m not the only one!

One site that has helped ease the tension this season is Hellmann’s Real Holiday Helpings.  Sponsored by Hellmann’s (obviously) this site has recipes (from Bobby Flay, no less), coupons, a game (that my youngest has been playing with me) and a chance to win free groceries for a year!

I have been navigating the site for the last couple of days and find it easy to use, full of useful information and best of all, it’s free!  I even became a fan of their facebook page because there are special giveaways and prizes for their fans.

Head over to the site today to get great recipes, enter to win the grocery giveaway and even watch videos of Bobby Flay!

In addition, I have a $25 American Express gift card to giveaway to one of my lucky readers!

All you have to do to enter the giveaway is visit the Hellmann’s site and tell me what recipe sounds good to you!  That’s all (I detest giveaways that are difficult to enter) you have to do!

If you desire additional entries (who couldn’t use $25 this time of year?) you can do the following things after you have made your qualifying entry as listed above:

• tweet about this giveaway (and leave a comment that you did so)
• become a fan of the Hellmann’s FB page (and leave a comment that you did so)
• leave a comment telling me what you would use the extra $25 for

Good luck!

The winner will be chosen via random.org on December 12th.  **This giveaway is open to residents of the United States and Canada only**

Full disclosure: I participated in this review sponsored by Mom Select and Hellmann’s.  I was given a $25 gift card for my participation as well as a gift card for my readers.  The opinions expressed are solely mine.

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