Marriage Tips for Beginners

Mike and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  Every year we celebrate the fact that we have beat the odds, particularly for how young we were when we got married.  Today Sheila encouraged us to look back and think about what we wish we had known when we first became husband and wife.  By sharing those things the hope is that couples who have not been married for quite as long can benefit from the things we have learned in the trenches of marriage.

Here is my (by no means conclusive or exhaustive) list:

• Love is a verb not a feeling.  I do not always “feel” in love with Mike.  I hope that doesn’t sound mean because it’s not.  Most of the time those feelings have little to do with him and more to do with me.  With how busy I am, where I am in relationship with God, my fatigue level and illness.  Do I always love him?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because love is a decision, a choice, an action.  And I make the choice to love him everyday, the decision to be the best wife I can be every day and look for ways to act out that love (like putting the toilet paper so it rolls over even though I am an under girl)
• Date night is not neglecting your kids. I remember how guilty I felt each time (which was rarely back then) that Mike and I would go out alone.  I would spend the whole time calling home to make sure the kids were okay and when I wasn’t calling home I was talking about the kids.  It was years before I realized (after a marriage conference) that spending alone time with my hubby was vital to the health of our relationship. We began making that time sacred, focusing on us and our relationship, doing fun things together (love riding the motorcycle) and our marriage greatly benefited from it.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  A healthy marriage is actually one of the best things you can do for your children!
• Make sure you are on the same page.  So many of our early arguments could have been completely avoided if we understood where the other was coming from.  We frequently sit down and check in with each other to make sure we are working toward the same goals.  If you don’t understand something your spouse said or it seemed hurtful, double check with them.  I am amazed at the times I have told Mike something he said hurt my feelings and he looks at me like I have horns.  The way he said it or his choice of words was not meant to hurt me.  Huh?  Would’ve never known that if I hadn’t asked.
• In your anger do not sin.  The Bible is your life manual and it gives great advice for what NOT to do when you are angry.  Notice God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, He wired us to have feelings and emotions.  Our mandate is to not let the anger get the best of us and lead us to sin.  To lash back, to say hurtful things, to go to bed fuming about something your spouse did, to give the silent treatment…all of those are red flags that we are letting our anger cause us to sin.

I could go on and on with the things God has revealed to me during the last twelve years.  For more sound advice on marriage visit Wifey Wednesdays.

The Waiting Game

Back in the spring of 2006, God put a strong call on my life.  I argued with Him (while crying, laughing and driving down a dangerous stretch of highway).  I told Him He definitely had the wrong girl.  But, God can be persistent (in case you didn’t know that).

Fast forward three and a half years and I somehow figure I should get out my measuring stick (so to speak)…see how far I’ve come towards that plan.

Of course, I do not measure up to my own expectations.

And then I start saying things like this “I should be farther along with {x, y, z}.  If I’m ever going to fulfill this burden on my heart I should at least be at point {j, k, l} by now” and “I knew I was unworthy of this call, God got this one wrong” and “I should be doing more to make this happen” and “what did I do wrong?”

Interestingly enough, the sermon at last night’s midweek service was on Psalm 23.  And I learned something I did not know.  The valley of the shadow of death referred to in verse 4 translates from the Hebrew into the valley of swirling shadows.

Hmmm, swirling shadows.  Could this be shadows such as:

a period or instance of gloom, unhappiness, mistrust, doubt, dissension, or the like, as in friendship or one’s life?

OR

a dominant or pervasive threat, influence, or atmosphere, esp. one causing gloom, fear, doubt, or the like? (definitions courtesy of dictionary.com)

Could it be that the enemy wants me to be surrounded by the swirling shadows of mistrust and doubt?

Could it be that God is leading me through the last three and a half years, not in abandonment of the vision He provided, but in preparation for it?

Is it not in the valleys of life that we stand to learn the most?

So, today I am thankful for the promise of Romans 8 (if you have time read the WHOLE chapter) especially, verses 15, 18-21, 28-31, 37-39.

Exactly what I needed to hear this morning:

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship [or daughter-ship, in my case] and by Him we cry Abba, Father.  Romans 8:15

Oh, yes!  That is all I need to do- cry out to Him who is with me all the time. The One who is faithful to complete the good work in and through me for His glory (and in His timing).  God’s measuring stick does not compute accomplishment or human “doings”.  He cares far more that I am leaning on Him throughout the journey.

For more Thankful Thursday posts, click here.

Contentment and Kids

I realized something this weekend.  My children do not possess a spirit of contentment.

Maybe it’s the catastrophe in Haiti, maybe it is reading the Bible in 90 days, maybe it is observing how my kids handle disappointment…I don’t know.  But, I do know that I am deeply convicted that it needs to change.

To be completely honest, it took a near death experience for me to fully grasp what being content truly means, just as the apostle Paul wrote in Phillipians 4:11-13:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

I want to teach my children the secret spoken of in these passages.  That being content should not depend on whether you get to go to the skating rink with your friends or whether you have the latest video game in your hands the second it is released.

I am mad (adolescents can push my angry buttons quite well), I am sad (that they don’t have a deeper understanding of this concept) but most of all I am determined.

I am determined to go back to the way we used to do things in our house…before we got busy.

Oh, friends, if only we could see how busyness is a tool of the enemy.

When my kids were small, we had a gratitude and prayer journal that we wrote in almost daily.  We would go back at the end of the year and see how God had provided for us and answered our prayers.

I have a prayer journal but do we continue to do this as a family?  No.

Why not?  Because between homework, sports and general busyness, that time has not been a priority.

I have told myself it isn’t that big of a deal.  My kids are good kids.  They go to church, youth group and mission camp.

We can rationalize anything away, can’t we?

My husband and I discussed this  (in the car, the only place we get true privacy LOL) and committed before the Lord that our focus would change from this point on.

We only have a few years of direct influence on these boys.  I want them to leave our home knowing how to be content, no matter the circumstance.  I need to unwrap the secret that I learned, and that the apostle Paul learned, and instill it in my children.  Will you pray for me?

P.S After thinking and praying about this all weekend, I came across a post that confirmed we are on the right track.  You can read it here.

This post is linked to Tuesdays Unwrapped.

Fresh Perspective

I joined the Bible in 90 days challenge and have posted about it before. Our reading focused on Leviticus for most of the week last week.

I admit that I went into it kind of rolling my eyes and being irritated about all the do’s and don’ts.  (You have to understand that I spent many years during childhood in a very strict sect of a very erroneous denomination.  Therefore I get very rankled when I start reading the “rules” I was expected to follow for so long.)

God really used this reading to give me a fresh perspective on this part of the Bible.  We read in Numbers that Moses was leading over 600,000 people to the Promised Land.

Can you imagine being responsible for that many people, in the desert, living in tents?

The Israelites had lived in Egypt, where everything was decided for them.  They lived as slaves with very little rights.  Then they go into the desert…and I venture to guess they needed some rules, some guidelines, some direction.

Suddenly, it made sense to me.  The Mosaic law wasn’t that different from the laws that we have in our country to prevent anarchy and lawlessness.

We know as mothers that children need boundaries, guidelines, structure.  That is what the law was providing.

I needed that fresh perspective.  I understood that God was looking out for the greater good.  Many of the rules instructed the people how to handle infectious diseases, how to handle mildew…God was looking out for their best interest.

I am so thankful He is still concerned with the best interest of those that believe.

Can’t wait to discover more hidden treasures during this amazing challenge.

Where I am at…

I have joined with several other ladies in a pledge to read the Bible in 90 days (you can learn more about it here).  Today is day five.  I wanted to share some of my thoughts from what I have read so far.  It is truly amazing what God can lay on your heart when you are open to listening.

First of all, I have to admit that the first five books of the Bible have never been on my preferred reading list.  The list of who is the father of who and how long they lived can just get boring with a capital B.  One of the reasons I think that this format is going to be successful for me is because the reading is on a deadline.  My type A personality thrives on deadlines so knowing that I have to read through a certain chapter by midnight tonight to be on track is very motivating and gets me through the begats.

The other reason the Old Testament can get kind of heavy for me is because I have such internal turmoil trying to reconcile the God that inspires fear, demands blood sacrifice and encourages war to the God that I know today.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe they are the same but reading through the Old Testament makes me that much more grateful for the gift Christ gave us through His death on the cross.  All the legalism from the Old Testament was washed away with His blood and for that I am so thankful.

On to the reading and my thoughts:

I enjoy the creation story.  It is beyond my capacity to fathom that God created all that I see out of nothing.  What a mighty God we serve!

The story of Joseph is one of my favorite in the Bible.  Joseph was such a fine example of a man who persevered under difficult circumstances and did the right thing, whether it was popular or not.

The biggest lesson I learned from Joseph’s story is that if you give up, you may miss out.

Joseph had so many opportunities to give up, to say what people wanted him to say, to allow bitterness and hatred to take up residence in his heart.  But, he chose love, he chose obedience, he chose to trust in the path God had for him.

And imagine what he would have missed out on had he given up and given in to all the negativity that surrounded him.  His own family sold him, he was falsely accused, imprisoned…yet, his inner strength and character always triumphed in the end.  And he was rewarded (here on this earth and I am sure in heaven as well) God ALWAYS came through for Joseph.  What a testimony!

As you can see, Joseph’s story is the one that has really hit home with me in the first few days of the reading.  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me in the upcoming weeks.

Are you taking the challenge?  Is there a particular story God has used to touch your heart?  Please share in the comments!

Starting the year off right

I first heard about The Bible in 90 days challenge on Twitter (and if you don’t tweet, this is just another reason to hop on the bandwagon with the rest of us

Reading through the entire Bible is something I have only done two other times in my life and both times were quite a while ago.  Having the accountability and encouragement from other moms going through the same program sounded great to me.  And what better way to start off the year?

Of course when you commit to doing something like this, the  enemy is not happy.  So, I knew to be expecting some hurdles to this endeavor, which we have committed to doing January 1st through March 31, 2010.

The last few days (part of the road trip gone wrong: watch for post on Wednesday) have not been conducive to reading of any kind and I was already feeling defeated.

But, then I started to catch up on the reading and was immediately blessed.  In our reading from yesterday (way back in Genesis) we are reminded to bring our petitions to God because He is listening (and remembers).

I was immediately encouraged and caught up with the reading.  It is not too late for you either…why don’t you join us in this quest to get deep in God’s word in 2010?  Your faithfulness will surely be rewarded.

Leave me a comment if you are going to join the challenge so I can check up on you hold you accountable!

A Baby Changes Everything

A baby changes everything…truer words were never spoken.  It has been difficult for me to write about the mundane tasks of the holiday season (the stringing of the lights, the wrapping of presents, the mailing of cards)….maybe it’s moving in the midst of Christmas, maybe it’s fatigue or maybe it’s the Holy Spirit laying the realities of this time on my heart.

The birth of Christ was a gift.  The most important gift of all time.  As with any gift, we have to accept it.  And once we do we are never the same.

Yet, every so often I don’t feel any different and I want the “new”ness of accepting Jesus’ gift for my life, I want it back.

Then I remember, He’s not withholding that from me, I have busied myself right away from it.

I just want to abide in Him this season.

We serve an Awesome God.  When I look at my children the thought of giving them up to be beaten, tortured and murdered for the sake of others- I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.  But He could and He did.

God used a baby to change everything for me twice.

Two thousand years ago on a cross, sent to take the blame for the sins I would someday commit; the baby Jesus changed everything for me.

Then thirteen years ago, an unplanned teen pregnancy and baby Jared’s birth and very existence led me to the foot of that same cross to accept my gift- the gift of forgiveness, grace, mercy and salvation

Please let us not forget the true meaning of Christmas and how a baby changes everything!

Uniquely You

Today, joining with Laurie from Women Taking a Stand, we are being thankful for uniqueness.

I think my readers are painfully aware of the things that make me unique so I thought I would point out some things I am thankful for about the ways the people I love are special to me, because of their quirks unique qualities.

My hubby~ God wired Mike to be cheap fiscally responsible.  I have learned so much from him about being a good steward (enough to write a Bible study about it LOL)  God also made Mike to be even-tempered- ALL THE TIME! Is it possible God knew he would be married to a spaz like me someday and someone would need to be able to be level headed? Hmmmm….

My oldest~ Sometimes with all the trials we have faced raising Jason, it can be easy to overlook the ways that God made him special.  God gave Jason a creative spirit…he is a talented artist, appreciates music and has a flair for fashion all his own.  He have him an innate stubbornness that helped him survive the early years of his life before he came to us.  God ALWAYS knows what He is doing!

My middle boy- Jared and I are so much alike I often forget to be thankful for his strengths and just get annoyed.  He is a great debater- wants to be a lawyer when he gets older (good choice!)  He is athletic and competitive.  At the same time, he has a sweet spirit (that is less evident with the whole being 13 thing) and is so good with babies and older people.  God has also given him a desire to do things the right way and the boy can’t lie (he tells on himself).

My youngest boy- Unique is the first word we use to describe Matt.  Matt marches to the beat of his own drum, God has given him a strong sense of worth, regardless of what other’s say or think.  I envy that!  And God did that on purpose because Matt gets bullied and picked on, and he just let’s it roll off his back and prays for the kids being mean to him.  Yet, when it comes to other people that are hurting or being mistreated, Matt has the most compassionate desire to help them.

I could go on and on with how God has placed unique people in my life, the perfect people to be my friends.

But I will leave you with this thought from Psalm 139: 13-14:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

God truly does know how to take each of His unique creations and place us together to form something truly special- a family.

Whose unique qualities are you thankful for today?

A little bit ’bout me…

I borrowed this blog game from Tami at Hearts Make Families.

As if y’all wanted to know any more about me, right?

Here I go….

1. What color is your favorite hoodie? Red (My Maryland Terrapins hoodie)
2. Do you plan outfits? Most of the time.
3. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red? A Christmas catalog
4. Did you meet anybody new today? Yes, I met my friend’s new boyfriend, Michael
5. What are you craving right now? chocolate, of course!
6. Do you floss? Yes
7. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Yum Yum, my mom’s ham and cabbage soup.
8. Are you emotional? Sometimes more than others
9. Would you dance to the taco song? I have never heard the taco song so I don’t know- not much of a dancer
10. Have you ever counted to 1,000? I have
11. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? who bites ice cream?
12. Do you like your hair? No but the style is convenient for me right now.
13. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yes, Rosie O’Donnell (a loooong time ago)
14. What are you listening to right now? the dog barking, my son’s video game, America’s Funniest Home Videos and the sound of me typing
15. Are your parents strict? Depends on what year it was…
16. Would you go sky diving? No way in Hades would this girl jump out of anything moving!
17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? I wouldn’t have much of an appetite but…
18. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? the heart on my puppy’s dress
19. Have you ever been in a castle? Yes, when I lived in Berkeley Springs, WV I visited the Berkeley Castle- really cool!
20. Do you know your neighbors? I know our neighbors and love some of them
21. Have you made a prank phone call? No!
22. Do you own a gun? No but my hubby does
23. Can you count backwards from 74? I would certainly hope so….
24. Brown or white eggs? Doesn’t matter
25. Ever been on a train? Yes….
26. What year did you graduate? I dropped out when I was in 10th grade (1996, was pregnant with Jared) and got my GED in 1998.
27. Is your hair curly? Straight, no matter what I do
28. Last time you cried? a few weeks ago when I was having a pity party for myself
29. Ever walked into a wall? More times than I care to admit
30. Do you like your life right now? I love my life.  I feel blessed to be alive, watch my kids grow up, be Mike’s wife and experience everything God places in my path.  There are moments, in my flesh, when I wish I wasn’t sick but then I remember there are so many people worse off than me and I shift my focus back to my blessings.
31. How often do you talk on the phone? I am not a phone person.  I answer it (if I feel like it, to be honest) and speak as briefly as possible.  What is that about?  No idea.
32. What is your favorite animal? My mini schnauzer puppy, Chloe is my favorite pet.  I love pigs though, have since I was a very  little girl.
33. What was the most recent thing you bought? birthday presents for my best friend’s kids
34. Can you hula hoop? I use to…haven’t tried recently
35. Have you ever crawled through a window? yes… ’nuff

So how about you?  Feel free to copy and paste and answer these questions on your blog OR choose your favorite and answer in the comments!

What if?

What if….I woke up in the morning looking for ways to serve, rather than be served?

What if….I woke up and rather than looking at the calendar, asked “what’s on the agenda today, Lord?

What if….I was always on the watch for ways to be a friend to people I do not yet know?

What if….I treated my body like the holy temple it is, would my health and mood improve?

What if….I spent less time worrying about “religion” and more time showing others the Way?

What if….I got out of the way and allowed God to use me with no strings attached?

What if….I looked at others through God’s eyes rather than through my dirty glasses?

What if….I turned off my laptop every time my kids come through the door?

What if….I treated my husband with the same affection I give my new puppy?

What if….I didn’t care what other people think of me?

What if….I grasped the fact that Jesus is ALL I need?

What if….I stopped allowing the busy-ness of life to interfere with the holiness of every moment?

                                       What if?