I have had a wonderful day full of love, laughs and family.  

Feeling retrospective I decided to chronicle thirty three things I have learned about life {not in any particular order}

1. Polka dots and hot pink make me smile.
2. There are few sounds that bring as much joy as a baby belly laughing.
3. Marriage is hard work, but oh so worth it.
4. There is a huge difference between a job, a career and a calling.
5. When people say “enjoy these moments because they grow up so fast” they are not exaggerating one bit.  Kids literally grow up in the blink of an eye.
6. Having a near death experience will remove most fear from your life and replace it with a sense of urgency to live EVERY minute fully.
7. Chocolate makes everything most things better.
8. God is good ALL the time and ALL the time God is good.
9. Having kids old enough to drive is scary yet very convenient.
10. God’s plan frequently looks nothing like my plan, but is always the best plan.
11. No matter how many children you have there is always enough love to go around.
12. Speaking of parenthood, it is the most challenging, rewarding, frustrating, meaningful, exhausting miracle in the world.
13. You are not defined by your past.
14. Life is not fair, but God is.
15. Friendships, like gardens, need tended, watered and weeded regularly.
16. Nail polish is a cheap and easy way to feel pretty.
17. You can make any house a home if the people you love are there with you.
18. God’s heart is for restoration and when it is possible, love and time can heal wounds.
19. Friends are your family of choice.
20. Writing is a salve to the soul.
21. A good yellow makes a perfect wall color.
22. Being organized makes life easier.
23. I wouldn’t remember anyone’s birthday if it wasn’t for Facebook.
24. Teen moms are special people and working with them is a privilege.
25. Parenting teenagers is like having your fingernails plucked off with tweezers.
26. You can’t save the world and God doesn’t expect you to.
27. It’s okay to take antidepressants.
28. Pets are members of the family too.
29. Being connected with a body of believers is crucial to spiritual health.
30. Why not me?
31. Every day, there are blessings and miracles happening around you.  All you have to do is open the eyes of your heart and be thankful.
32. Words hurt.  Guard your tongue.
33. Just as Jesus said, it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Thank you, Lord for thirty three years on this planet.  Let everything I do bring glory to You.

What are some of the best lessons you have learned?

The imperfections of a man, his frailties, his faults, are just as important as his virtues.  You can’t separate them.  They’re wedded.  ~Henry Miller

I remember well the days that perfectionism consumed my life.

I suppose I came by the desire quite naturally.  A father who demanded more than the best.  Raised by grandparents whose accomplishments lined the walls.  Perpetuating the “family hedge”…that no matter what was truly going on, we put our “best face” forward to the world.

Every mistake I made was punctuated by the fact that I was, yet again, incapable of grasping the elusive perfection that seemed to come so easily for others.

I carried this knee buckling burden into adulthood for many years.  Perfectionism twisted itself into a suffocating need for control at all costs.

The monster of perfectionism almost ruined my marriage.  Almost ruined my family.  Almost ruined my life.

But, God. {my two favorite words of all time}.

He set me free from the need to please, the need to wear masks and the need to have everything just right.

Don’t get me wrong..it was a process that began four years ago and we {God and I} still work on it daily.  I am a recovering-Type-A-perfectionist-control-freak.

Perfectionism is a monster.  It is authored and touted by the father of lies, the devil.

You may see a perfectly coiffed mom, with perfectly behaved children in adorable matching outfits with a perfect marriage and perfect house and perfect vacations.

That is what you would have seen on the outside, looking in to my life for many years.

On the inside, life festered with open wounds that threatened to infect everything.  Secrets ate away at the foundation of our family and faith, like termites feasting on wood.  It was not until I surrendered the desire for perfection and the need to control to the only One that can handle those inside wounds, that life actually let our family breathe.

Anytime I am tempted to retreat to those old, comfortable patterns of dysfunctional behavior, I mutter the word “monster” to myself and heavenward.  God knows what I mean and He and I battle that monster together.

Hope seems lost in the flames of house fires, hard to find for the friends that lost their job and face homelessness at the time of year when home means the most, hidden from friends who discover the sex of the heart beating in the womb and discover his health is in question at the same moment.

Children who may die before finding their forever family.

Where are You, God?

I have asked this question at many different times in my life.

Thankfully, the whisper of doubt does not turn Him away.

He is there.

You hem me in–behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me….If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. ~Psalm 139: 5, 9-10

He is there.  Holding me, holding you.  We are never alone.

And, for that promise I am eternally grateful.

The counting of gifts continues {#371-#380}

~  the promises of His Word that provide comfort and strength

~ shopping with my children to fill a shoe box for a child across the world

~  seeing many shoe boxes ready for pick-up for O.C.C

~  many new teen moms being introduced to hope through YoungLives

~  God appointments that encourage and provide confirmation

~  Skyping with my Shayla

~  boys taking Sweet Pea for a walk around the neighborhood

~  my husband’s ability to fix ANYTHING!

~  time catching up with friends

~  comfy boots

What are you thankful for?

If you are facing a time where you wonder if God is there, please leave me a comment so I can pray for you or slip me an email at kmelissasmallwood@gmail.com.

And I am daily counting gifts this month at the Multitasking Mama Facebook page.

The big announcement is that my site, In Be’tween Moms, for those parenting between double digits and the empty nest has launched today!  I am so excited to talk about the good, the bad and the necessary when it comes to parenting older kids.  This site is a place for encouragement, support and information.  I am blessed to have awesome Mentor Moms contributing their insights as well!  The site is a work in progress but please stop by there today and enter in a giveaway to win the book, Why Christian Kids Rebel by Dr. Tim Kimmel.

Have a blessed day!

I had even considered skipping this post this week, to be completely transparent.

A rough week in physical therapy, emotions on edge over some family drama, preparing for family vacation, graduation for Jason, etc, etc, etc. and I have felt overwhelmed and at times, downright ungrateful.

I look at my to-do list and cringe.

I think about my upcoming surgery and I have nightmares.

I consider the van ride to Florida with four teenagers, a 9 month old and a dog and I want to hide in a suitcase.

Then, I read articles like this and I am broken before Him.  I was the foster kid, Miss S. was the foster kid, my Jason could have been a foster kid.

How can I not be thankful for the gift of living this crazy life?

The laughter, the tears, the problems, the fears are all privilege.

These teens that make me want to pull my ever-loving hair out are right where they belong. With me and my hubby. Miss S. has a forever family here.  She is breaking the cycle for Sweet Pea, who will never have to know what a foster home is like.

Right here, right now is meant to be.

Thankful, grateful, humbled to be a part of His plan..for me, for her, for us.

And, the counting of gifts continues…

~  Bible study with friend that gets me and my heart

~  checkered curtains that billow with the breeze

~  big turnout for YLVS spaghetti dinner

~  teen mama’s serving spaghetti to earn money for summer camp

~  gift card to Starbucks

~  full tank of gas

~  tank tops

~  hot pink nail polish

~  a bow in Sweet Pea’s hair

~  long afternoon nap

What are you thankful for?

For example: an eleven year old girl in our neighborhood is aggressively pursuing my thirteen year old son (about to be fourteen in a month).  Her facebook photo is of her in a bikini (for crying out loud).  I have intervened by informing her that her facebook messages to him are inappropriate (because I monitor all his facebook messages).  I have intervened by bringing my son inside when she is riding her bike past our house obsessively while he is playing basketball (in our driveway).  That (so far) has been the extent of my “psychopathic parenting”–quoting my son on that one.  I think he is flattered by the attention.

What I want to do is hunt down the parents of this child and shake ask them if they are asleep on the job or what?  Are you aware that your ELEVEN year old daughter is this focused on the opposite sex? It is truly frightening to me.

What I should do is where I falter.

When I intervene as I have am I over reacting?

Are these issues my son needs to handle on his own?

I don’t have all the answers to this parenting teen thing.  I pray without ceasing about these boys that God has entrusted to my care.

I will give account for my parenting one day…

Am I helicopter parenting or parenting parenting?

I don’t know- do you?

Please feel free to submit your posts about parenting teens/tweens in the MckLinky.

His (almost) three year old little self pulls me energetically towards the kittens down the hall… “Tome on mommy, let’s go look at the kitties” (except he said his hard c’s and k’s like t’s so you can imagine how comical that was).  The fact that he is calling me mommy just a few days after we met is not lost on me and I feel the weight of what that could mean with each step down the hall.

He’s my son.

(Almost) three years later we sit in the back of the car together.  He again slides his hand into mine as we drive away from his old life and toward a new life in our home.  He is stoic, already jaded by his experiences and the disappointments life can present.  He doesn’t cry. He doesn’t ask why.  He just holds my hand and doesn’t look back.

He’s my son.

(almost) Three years later he struggles to integrate into a “normal” family.  Life is full of extremes.  One minute enjoying the warmth of his mama’s lap while she reads Captain Underpants, the next striking out in anger because he didn’t like the way his eggs were cooked.  One day winning the county art award for his drawing of outer space, aptly entitled “I’d Rather Be Dreaming”, the next hiding under his bed and screaming like a caged animal at the thought of going to school.  One day having a sleep over birthday party with his friends and eating ice cream cake that turned his teeth black, the next being admitted to the psychiatric hospital (again) for being unable to control his anger and hurting his brothers and I. The adoption becomes final and it’s official…

He’s my son.

(almost) three years later and he lives in a “therapeutic” setting.  His behavior controlled for the most part, after years of therapy and learning the skills he didn’t learn at those critical years between 1 and 5.  One day he tries to do his best, the next he feels hopeless and wonders why he should bother.  He wishes he could come home, so do I.  He grows tall and handsome like his daddy.  He just may be okay.

He’s my son.

“Come on, mom.  I want to show you something”.  Now taller than me, he still longs to please me.  He opens a book, full of drawings of wild cats.  “I think I know what I want to do when I get out of here” (otherwise known as graduate).  He has hopes, he has dreams.  He has potential.  And, despite all that has transpired in the last 14 years…

He’s my son.

And I love him.  I’m proud of him. If I could take away his struggles I would.  If I could bear his burden myself I would.  If I could change what happened to him and what he did to us I would.  Gladly.  Happily.  Knowing that my boy would be okay.

He is seventeen today.  Almost a full grown man.  And still…you guessed it, my son.  This video says it better than I ever could.  And, is perfect for Holy Week.  Thinking of what another mother must have been feeling two thousand years ago.

Happy Birthday, Jason!  I love you!

This week I would like to expand on a post I wrote earlier in the week.  When parenting teens/tweens quality family time can be difficult.  Our kids don’t necessarily want to spend time with us. Let’s face it: we are not cool (at least to our kids ) This week I recognized the importance of focusing on my sons interests in order to engage his attention.

So, how can we make sure that we are available to our kids?  What are some things that we can do with them to maintain a bond?  Here are some of my ideas and I would love to hear yours as well!

• Eat dinner together. This is so important!  Many studies have touted the value of eating as a family. It is a great time for discussion, questions and family time.  I am always amused listening to the things that my boys think are discussion worthy.  And, be sure to take some pressure off of yourself.  What you serve as the meal is less important than the fact that you are all sitting down together to eat and talk.
• Avoid overscheduling.  If your child is involved in too many activities there will not be any time left over to spend together as a family.  We limit the kids to one extra-curricular activity a semester (not including church related activities).  We treat our family time as sacred, it goes on the calendar just like anything else.  Making time together a priority sends a strong message to your kids that you value them and want to spend time with them.
• Take advantage of a captive audience.  Even without overscheduling we spend a lot of time in the mom taxi.  Use this time to engage your kids in conversation.  Middle school boys can tend toward monosyllabic answers so I end up asking a lot of open ended questions to solicit some feedback.  Play a game in the car. Crank up the worship music and sing together.  Enjoy your kids.
• Volunteer together.  Serving others together is a great way to bond and spend time with your kids.  And, it is something that will hopefully inspire your kids to develop a servants heart for others and take that passion into adulthood.

What are some of the ways that you spend quality time with your teen/tween? Leave your answer in the comments.  And, as always, if you have a post that deals with teen/tween issues please link the permalink to that post on our MckLinky below.

When I first started blogging I discovered the website, Reece’s Rainbow.  This is a ministry serving the needs of children around the world with Down Syndrome and other special needs, helping them find their forever families.  While it was not in the cards for my husband and I to adopt any of these special kids (my heart for our family is foster care) I will never tire of raising awareness of this special ministry.

On March 21, 2010 (to honor the 3rd copy of the 21st chromosome presented in Down syndrome), the world comes together to raise awareness and advocate for people living with Down syndrome.

Because Reece’s Rainbow has an international focus, we are doing our part to further the recognition of this very special day!

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…

Look at this beautiful little girl and tell me she was not lovingly made by our Creator (Psalm 139).

Thank you all so much for the discussion that we had on last week’s topic.

This week I wanted to focus on respect.  Sunday I picked up the latest issue of Home Life magazine at church (shameless self promotion, I am quoted on page 54).  I also picked up the February issue and it had a very convicting article about the spiritual impact of your child’s disrespect. This article stepped all over my mama toes so I wanted to take a few minutes to discuss the meat of it today.

Here is the line that really stuck with me:

If you aren’t teaching your children to respect you, how can you expect them to respect other authority figures, and most importantly, a holy God?

I have to admit that my children were much more respectful of me (in tone, words and actions) when they were smaller.  I take responsibility for the decline in their respect because I am not nearly as consistent with discipline as I was when they were little.

To be honest, it was easier to discipline them when they were five and six years old.  A time out or sending them to bed early nipped behavior in the bud.  My boys were crushed if I was upset or disappointed in them.

That is simply no longer the case!  Grounding from privileges takes a lot of work to enforce and I often find myself giving in.  And, sometimes it really seems ineffective.  However, this article reminded me of parenting principles I had lost sight of including the fact that delayed obedience is disobedience.

Have any of you ever put off listening to God when He lays something on your heart?  I am guilty of that, for sure.  How will our kids ever understand the importance of following through with what God has in store for them if I don’t expect obedience from them the first time I make a request?

The article had the following tips for children that are resisting respect that I found helpful:

• Ban the use of a favorite technology until you see noticeable improvement in your child’s behavior (at this rate Jared will not get his cell phone back until he’s 30)
• Ask your child to rephrase statements to communicate respect (this would probably work better than getting angry and yelling back, huh?)
• Require your child to apologize to others if she (or he) publically displays disrespectful behavior to you. (This one really struck me as something that would be effective.  Kids this age hate being embarrassed yet we allow them to embarrass us with their behavior)
• Draw up a contract that specifically details your expectations and the consequences.  Have your child sign it (we did this after reading this article!)
• Consider seeing a qualified counselor to get to the root of the problem if your child demonstrates excessive aggression.

Aren’t these great tips?  I really needed to read this article because sometimes everyday my kids tell me I am so much stricter than their friend’s parents (and I start having mama guilt).  This article served to remind me that I am not responsible for parenting their friends.  I will give account to God one day for parenting Jason, Jared and Matt.  Period.  And, I am doing them no favors by not expecting the respect I deserve.

Especially when the result of not teaching them the value of respecting authority could have eternal consequences.

What do you think?  I would love to hear in the comments or feel free to write a post about this or any other topic applicable to Teens/Tweens and add it to the linky below.