Controlling? Me? Never!

Sheila does this every week….picks a topic for Wifey Wednesday that I strongly resonate with (maybe a little too strongly in this case).  Today’s topic is “Losing the control freak inside you”.  I read that title to my darling hubby as I prepared to type out this post and he laughed.  Hard.

I will preface this post by saying (as I say often) that I am a recovering Type A.  I am the first born.  I tend towards the controlling side of the spectrum. I acknowledge that and pray daily for more of God and less of me.  Almost thirteen years of marriage later this is still a struggle for me but baby, I’ve come a long way (by the grace of God and the patience of my husband) and here is how:

• Embracing God’s plan for marriage.  In Genesis 2: 23-24 God lays out His design for our marriages.  I am a gift to my husband, made to be his helper and partner for life.  When you cherish that role, rather then resent it, respecting your husband and God’s desire for your marriage is so much easier.
• Embracing the uniqueness of our union. No two people are exactly alike.  Neither are any two marriages.  Marriage blends two unique individuals into a unique partnership.  Mike and I didn’t have great role models of marriage growing up.  I found myself early in our relationship trying to make our marriage look like what I thought it should look like.  The problem is I was getting my concept of what marriage should look like from magazines, TV, peers and society in general.  Only when I turned to God and His Word was I able to appreciate how Mike and I compliment each others differences.  We truly bring out the best in each other (funny how God designs these things isn’t it?).
• Embracing marriage’s limitations.  One of my favorite sayings is that there is a God shaped hole in everyone’s heart.  A hole that only He can fill.  Marriage was designed by God.  However, it was not designed to replace the vital role that only He can fill.  When we look to our husbands to meet needs that only God can and heal wounds that only God can we are going to end up miserable.  The level of intimacy and friendship that Mike and I enjoy did not develop until I acknowledged that I needed God to meet my emotional needs, not Mike.  Do you know how much pressure we take off our marriages when we take our needs to the One that can actually meet them?  It truly is life changing.

So, do I have the perfect marriage?  No.  Do I have a great marriage?  Yes.  Am I controlling and domineering like I was in the beginning? No.  Do I still get antsy if we are running late? Absolutely!

Did I settle? or did God know just what He was doing?

I haven’t participated in Wifey Wednesday in a while but the topic today struck a chord with me.  And you know what happens when a cord is struck?  I write. (and write and edit and write and so on)

…but it does mean that if you’re not happy in your marriage, perhaps we should stop focusing on whether or not he was the right one to marry, and start focusing on how WE can become the right one?

That is the phrase that struck a chord with me in Sheila’s post.  Mike and I got married young.  I was 18 years old, he was 24.  We already had a lot of grown up baggage (he had a son, I had a son and we had one on the way together, we didn’t know Jesus as our personal Savior, etc) to contend with and neither one of us had a grown up in homes that modeled what healthy marriage looked like.

In the early days of our marriage, I sometimes wondered if I had made a mistake.  We were so different.  We handled conflict different, we approached raising children different, we definitely had different approaches when it came to handling money.  Sometimes our differences seemed to etch a chasm between our hearts and prevent us from connecting and communicating.

We had been married a year and a half when I came to know Christ and two years when Mike accepted Jesus into his heart.  I would like to say that knowing God flipped a switch in our relationship and everything was fantabulous from that moment on….but I would be lying.

I can say, however, that as we grew in our faith and in our knowledge of what God intended marriage to be, we began to work on making our marriage better.  We saw a Christian counselor, we I read books, we attended marriage conferences, we sought sound counsel from older couples.

And our marriage evolved.

I went from days of wondering “why did I marry this guy?” to appreciating how God had wired Mike specifically to be my husband (and realizing that not just anyone could handle being married to this gal).  That appreciation has led to a deeper level of intimacy and a respect for my husband that did not exist in the early days of our marriage.

My encouragement to married couples is to seek to recognize the ways that God designed your spouse to complement your personality and needs.  Once you begin to notice the things that make your spouse right for you, it changes the whole dynamic of your relationship.

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing the man I am meant to be with into my life.  Thank you for helping me see that we complete each other instead of giving up when ever discouraging times came our way.  Thank you for creating someone for me that allows me to be myself, that delights in my successes and is willing to go outside of his comfort zone to grow along side me.  Help us all see your design for marriage and adjust our expectations of our spouse accordingly. ~Amen.

Road Trip

Yesterday I had the privilege of accompanying a friend of mine to the Virginia Baptist Resource Center in Richmond to deliver medical supplies our church family had donated to the relief effort in Haiti. All the items collected from our church and various other churches in the association will be combined with the donations from churches across the country and delivered to Haiti early next week.

When we arrived we expected to just drop off the donations and leave.  But, we got swept up in the amazing number of donations and amount of work to be done and ended up staying for a few hours to help sort, box and weigh the donations to prepare them for shipment.  What an honor to be a (teeny tiny) part in helping those devastated by the earthquake in Haiti.

Now we prepare for our next phase of assistance, a project called Buckets of Hope.  Bridget and I prayed that God would help us find a place where we could buy 5 gallon buckets (with lids) without it taking all day.  We had called and stopped at several Wal-Mart’s with no luck.  Then we prayed and stopped at a Lowe’s in the Richmond area.  We walked in and a kind gentleman asked what we were looking for.  When we told him what we needed and why, he helped us gather 50 buckets (from one store- yay!) and even gave us a discount.  Go God!

The following is a beautiful video of Christian recording artists coming together for the Haiti relief effort.  While it has been four weeks since this tragedy occurred it will be years before that country will be able to (even begin) recover.  Let us come together now and not forget that we are called to help our fellow brothers and sisters!

Helping others is a Finer Thing!

A Woman Inspired…I’m Speaking

While I was at a conference last July (you know, the one that changed my life and I can’t wait to go back to this year? yeah, that one!) I had the privilege of meeting Amy Bayliss, co-founder of A Woman Inspired.

I had attended a few of Amy’s online conferences and was so excited to connect with her in person.

Fast forward six months and I have continued to connect with Amy via various endeavors, including Christian Women Affiliate.

As you can imagine I was so thrilled to receive an email from Amy asking me to speak at her upcoming conference, Nurturing Creativity and Efficient Living (kinda right up my alley, huh?)

My session is on Thursday January 28th, 2010 at 12:30pm EST. I will be teaching on Setting Realistic Goals and Priorities.  Here is my session description:

Do you have trouble saying “no”?  Do you find yourself with too much to do and too little time?  This session will help you evaluate things according to your personal and family priorities before committing yourself to something.  Our time is valuable.  With so many demands (and requests) made of our time, we need to learn to be intentional about what we devote ourselves to. Join professional organizer and speaker, Melissa Smallwood, as she teaches how to set your family priorities and goals and how to stick to them

In addition to yours truly there are many other awesome women speaking on the topic throughout the week.  Be sure to register and reserve your spot!  I promise you will be inspired!

Being pro-active in marriage

Over the spring and summer I watched the marriage of my best friend unravel.

The process has been incredibly difficult to observe for several reasons.   The main reason is because it was unexpected- to me.

M. and I have been best friends since we were in elementary school, we were in each other’s weddings, present for the birth of babies and vacationed together (as families) for years.

So, when the announcement about a divorce was made I was really in shock.  They hadn’t mentioned that was even on the table.

Am I mad at her?  No.  There are plenty of times that Mike and I have been struggling in our marriage that I have not confided in M. (or anyone else for that matter)

But, now I wonder- is that the best strategy? Should we shield our loved ones and friends from the facts of what is going on in our homes and marriages or should we be more open and transparent so that we can benefit from the support and prayers of those that love us?

There is a part of me that has always wanted to keep our marital issues private.  For the purpose of keeping up appearances at times but also not wanting to speak ill of my husband (which I believe is an important bibical mandate).

Yet, watching the aftermath of a divorce that has hit so close to home has made me stop and realize that marriage requires us to be proactive, particularly if our marriages are going to last.

Seeking Godly counsel, asking for prayer, making quality time with your spouse a priority, finding couples that are like minded to spend time with, finding couples that have been married longer that can serve as an example, and learning God’s plan for marriage need to be part of our daily lives.

Divorce is NOT God’s plan.  While I do not say that in judgment of anyone, I feel strongly that those of us that are married need to do all we can to insure we stay that way.

What do you think contributes to a healthy marriage?  Do you think it is important to keep issues private or share with others?

I would love to know your thoughts.

And for other Wifey Wednesday posts, please visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum.