I pray for marriage everyday.  My marriage, my children’s future spouses, my friends marriages and marriage in general.  God designed this special union to illustrate the way Christ feels about the Church.  What could be more special than that?

While I pray for marriage everyday, I am not good at being married everyday.

Sometimes, when you have been married as long as we have {will be 15 years in July}, you tend to get irritated by the little things that you thought were adorable when you first met.

For instance, I can not stand the way my husband chews.  Simply can NOT take it.  And, I don’t like food in the bed.  So, when he brings his nightly bowl of cereal into the bedroom, my claws come out {good thing I bite my fingernails}.

I write that and then think of the ways I fail at this marriage thing and realize that I need to focus on the good {and there is SO much good}.

To be completely honest, I am difficult to live with most days and exceptionally difficult to live with the other days.  This is not a shocking fact to those that know me well. However, some of my readers might be surprised to learn that I am a moody, tightly wound woman with high expectations of myself and others and the person that sees the ugliest side of me is my hubby.

Ladies, seriously, the man is a saint. I work crazy, bizarre hours in this full-time ministry life.  When I am not away from the house completely, I am tethered to my computer or cell phone.  I am also chronically ill so after the energy I expend on other things, there is not much left over for housework and being domestic. 

Mike loves me enough to let me be the Melissa that God created me to be.  He allows me the freedom to pursue my passions.  He is incredibly generous with his time, money and heart.  He extends grace when I am frazzled and cranky.

We had an impromptu date night on Friday.  Taking the time to listen to him, to spend time with him without the interruptions of kids, work and other craziness was refreshing.  Today I recommit in my heart to focus on the good.

There is so much good!

What do you love about your husband?

Why do we run on empty and then wonder why we are stressed and burnt out?

This was a question posed by my pastor a few months ago.  I wrote it down because, while an obvious sentiment, I forget this principle far too often in my busy life.

I have been running on empty lately.  Two kids are graduating, vacation plans, physical therapy and other doctor appointments,15th birthdays, church obligations, ministry work, writing–you get the picture.

Something’s gotta give.

Unfortunately, it has been my marriage and my relationship with God.  I was reminded by a good friend that we can say that God is our number one priority and our spouse is a close second but if the way we spend our time and energy do not reflect that, we are fooling ourselves.

I was in a rush this morning and knew I needed to stop and get gas in my van.  Imagine my delight when I looked down and saw that the gas gauge read full.  My sweet hubby, who knows my primary love language is acts of service, must’ve snuck off to the gas station up the street last night to make my life easier.

My tank is full.

Then, I wonder is Mike’s tank full?

Probably not..since he has not been my primary focus lately.

Excuse me ladies, I have a love tank to fill.

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesdays.

Today’s topic is: Does your hubby help you lose weight or hurt you?

Can I start off by saying that it is incredibly frustrating to be married to the man that can eat a mixing bowl of cereal right before bed and not gain an ounce?  The guy whose 6’2″ self weighed less than my 5’4″ self for a long time?  For crying out loud, the man’s body has barely changed since we married {almost} 14 years ago while mine- well, suffice it to say, my body has changed.

Throw in chronic illness and medication side effects and I can feel like a real mess standing next to him.

I am blessed to have a husband who is attracted to me no matter the season my body is going through.

It makes me think that God gave men some kind of special lens through which they see their spouse.  I can guarantee you that Mike does not see in me what I see when I look in the mirror.

He reminds me all the time all that my body has been through.  Birthing babies, almost dying, illness and surgery.  He waxes sentimental over stretch marks and scars.

I am grateful for that. Grateful that I married a man that looks past the superficial.  Now, if I could only do that myself.  If I loved my body the way that my husband does it would do wonders for my self esteem.

How do you feel about your body compared to how your spouse views your body?

Blogging has been scarce lately but I am slowly getting back in the swing of things, including joining in for Wifey Wednesday posts about marriage.  You can search for other marriage posts I have written by typing Wifey Wednesday or marriage in the search box in the right hand corner of your screen.

This week’s topic is one I am unfortunately familiar with-  Having an active sex life with my spouse and a chronic illness.

This is soooo not easy.

Photo credit

As most of you know I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in January 2008 and systemic lupus in October 2009.  My health is a roller coaster and even on my “good” days I am exhausted and hurting by bedtime.

Thankfully, I have a patient and understanding {and just all around awesome} hubby.  But, sex is still crucial to the health of a marriage.  So crucial that I am willing to write about it on my blog and share things that have worked for me.

When I was first diagnosed with MS, I was bedridden and couldn’t see out of my left eye.  Not exactly oozing sex appeal.  Staying away from intimacy though affected me as much as it did my hubby, although in different ways.  I needed the assurance that I was still desirable and he needed the closeness that sex provides.

Since that time we talk a lot more about our sex life.  We are intentional about making time for it.  We are aware of the value of cuddling and expressing physical love to each other even when the sexual act is not possible because of my health issues. And, most importantly, I pray about my sex life.

I ask God to provide me with energy, with libido, with desire for my hubby on those days {that can turn into weeks and months if we are not intentional} that I feel I can’t muster it.  And, friends, God is faithful to bless the physical component of your marriage.  He created it, after all.

He hasn’t failed me yet.

The relationship I have with my husband is just as special to God as it is to me.  He designed Mike to be my life companion, knowing as only God can, that I would have physical ailments.  He is bigger than all of my limitations and fatigue.

And for that I am thankful!

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesdays, (In)courage and Faith Barista’s Faith Jam.

I remember those early days {translate years} of marriage.  Those years where I walked around wondering why Mike wasn’t working harder to make me happy, why he wasn’t meeting my needs and whine, whine, whine.

Do you notice how many me’s, I’s and my’s are in those questions?

As God has grown our marriage and grown us as individuals {not always a pretty process, by any means} we have learned a lot about our needs and meeting each others needs in the context of marriage.

Here are a few things God has revealed to me in our marriage:

• 1+1+1=2: Anyone that knows me knows that math is not a strong suit but this equation is actually accurate when it comes to marriage and relationships.  Marriage is between two imperfect human beings.  Mistakes abound.  Cruel words are spoken {usually by me} and feelings are hurt.  But, the Bible says that “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken” Ecclesiastes 4:12.  Mike and I make a conscious decision everyday for Christ to be the third strand in our marital cord, just as God intended.  Having Christ in the center of your marriage is the ONLY way to create a lasting union.
• Some of my needs can only be met by my Creator.  God designed marriage and it is a beautiful mirror of the relationship between Christ and the church.  BUT, God did not design marriage to meet our core needs….the need to be loved, the need to be validated, the need to be heard.  Those needs were placed in us to be met by God.  As Joyce Meyer says, there is a God shaped hole in our hearts that only He can fill.  When we look to our mate to fill those places and heal old wounds, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and setting our mates up for failure {which is damaging to a male in so many ways}.
• I am selfish.  It is our Adam nature to be focused on what we want and need and desire rather than on the needs and desires of the other person.  A dear friend reminded me that the relationship between Christ and the church is a sacrificial relationship.  And, that is what God compares marriage to.  I need to ask myself “what am I sacrificing for Mike today?”  What am I willing to lay down to demonstrate my love for him?  This outlook is counter-intuitive at times but makes such a difference in the temperature of a marriage.
• Many things I think are needs aren’t. Do you ever become so focused on something that your hubby is NOT doing that you overlook all the good things he does?  I am guilty of this so often.  Making a list of the good is a great way to regain perspective.

What are your thoughts on needs and marriage?  I would love to hear.  You can also read more marriage posts over at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

I spent a lot of time broken before God (and my hubby) last night and this morning. 

It is a long story but it boils down to my flesh wanting something (really bad), rationalizing why it would be a great thing for me to do (for my blog, for my ministry, for ME, ME, ME), resenting my husband for not supporting it.

Is going to a blogging conference bad? No!  I am going (with my hubby’s blessing and support) to three more this year. But, EVO was not meant to be for me (even though I won a ticket, won a site redesign and had a partial sponsorship).  And, instead of submitting to my husband’s wishes about this two weeks ago, I dug my heels in.  I was stubborn, determined and wasted so much time and energy pursuing something that in the end was for naught.

You see, God knew (and my husband’s spirit was burdened) that something was going to come up last night with our oldest son, Jason.  Not just anyone can deal with the issues that arise with Jason because of his special needs.  He needs me this weekend.  Mike is going to be away on a father-son campout all weekend with Jared and Matt.

  If I had been on a plane tomorrow and then found out that Jason would need me this weekend- what would I have done then?

My hubby loves me enough not to have said “I told you so” last night as I cried.  Why would I ever doubt my husband’s authority?  Why would I let my stubborn flesh interfere with being present to hear God?  Why would I have been happy to get on a plane to go thousands of miles away from my family when one of them needs me?

No, I am not going to continue to beat myself up.  I know there is no condemnation in Christ.  And, I am still looking forward to going to the other conferences on my schedule, Lord willing.

But, I am going to repent of my clouded judgment and once again, daily, minute by minute, submit to the wisdom of my husband and my God.

Why do you think this is so hard?  Or is it just me?

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday.  You can also join me each Monday for Holy Housewives, a book club where we read books about biblical womanhood and discuss how we feel and what we learn.

You would think wrong.

He had a difficult time knowing that I had been promiscuous since a young age and I had a difficult time knowing that he hadn’t. I had a difficult time not experiencing shame and remorse.  He had a difficult time trusting that I wasn’t going to be unfaithful.

We had a difficult time.

Thankfully, Jesus entered the picture and our marriage less than a year after our vows.  Verses like Romans 8:1 patched up broken places in my heart with the life giving cement of forgiveness.  The entire book of Hosea helped my hubby realize that God planned for Mike to play a role in His pursuit of my heart.  God knew it would take a strong, loyal and patient man like my husband for me to ever be able to make love. 

As we discovered God’s design for marriage, we also discovered how the enemy seeks to insert evil {sexual abuse, pre-marital sex, pornography, etc} into a holy picture.

We discovered that God’s love and our love for each other really does cover a multitude of sins {I Peter4:8}.

We discovered that God doesn’t waste hurt and pain and while He remembers our sins no more, He allows us to remember the experience so that we can share our testimony with others.  To bring Him glory and to comfort each other {II Corinthians 1:3-7}- what a beautiful way to turn ashes into beauty {Isaiah 61:3}.

We discovered that sex, within marriage, can be a beautiful thing.  Once I allowed God to bind up my wounds and Mike allowed God to soothe his fears {Isaiah 61:1}, we were free to experience the sacredness of our most intimate times.

And freedom is what God wants for all of us {Galatians 5:1}.  That is why I can tell my children, with no reservations, that waiting for marriage is the right, the good, the God thing to do.  It is also why I can tell the teen moms that I work with that purity can start again, that just because you give something sacred away doesn’t mean it cannot be redeemed. 

Christ came to set us free…and I am free indeed.

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesdays and Walk with Him Wednesday.

I have blown it in my marriage.  Many times.  In many ways. 

I will share with you the BIG one that God laid on my heart when I saw the topic.

I STINK at managing money.  Always have and it is something that God (and my hubby) have taught me a lot about over the years.  I teach on it now (God has a full circle sense of humor). Finances are a major issue for my husband because he grew up in a poor family and has taught himself a lot about biblical stewardship. He helps people in our lives that need assistance in building a budget, etc.

Yet, he married me.

We have had issues in our marriage related to money.  I had credit cards he didn’t know about.  Not once, not twice but three different times over the years.  It is an issue we dealt with in marriage counseling. 

He grew to trust me. Again. 

Then in 2007, I wanted to do something.  It was a good something, but not a God something.  Mike supported me with the stipulation that I was completely honest and transparent with him about finances.

Long story short, I wasn’t.  I was stubborn and determined not to fail and racked up over $100,000 in credit card debt for this good something.  And my husband had no idea.

When he would ask how I paid for something, I would act offended that he would question my honesty.  When he would ask for documentation, I would cry about how he didn’t trust me. 

I had a financial affair.  And I justified it, rationalized it and the problem grew bigger and bigger and bigger.

I sunk into a deep depression because I didn’t know a way out.  This good something had people depending on me.  The credit cards were reaching their limits.  I was in denial about my physical issues.  I was hiding a huge secret from my husband and family and friends.

I was having a financial affair.

When I came clean (which was not because I wanted to but because I didn’t have a choice) our marriage imploded.  It had been several years since I had betrayed him this way and never like THIS. 

The look on his face broke my heart into a million pieces.

He fixed it because he is a good man and that is what he does, he fixes things.  He had to go to family for help, which is something he abhors.  He had to deplete our hard earned savings. 

We are still recovering from this massive act of betrayal.  I didn’t know if he would ever trust me again and trust is something that has returned very slowly. And that healing only came from our relationship with Jesus.

  What have I learned from being the betrayor in my marriage?

• I had to be patient with him and understand that my actions had serious and lasting ramifications.
• God is the only one that can bring healing and restoration to a marriage.
• Time does heal wounds.  And you can’t be the one to set the time limit.
• Learn to speak your spouse’s love language and speak it fluently.
• Pray, pray and pray some more.
• Forgive yourself.  There is no condemnation in Christ and if you are busy beating yourself up, you won’t be able to focus on healing your relationship with your spouse.
• Let them deal with it in their own way.  Don’t force them to talk to you, to reassure you, to make you feel better. 
• Seek professional Christian counseling.  If the issue is too big for the two of you to deal with on your own, seek help from a pastor or Christian counselor that you trust and respect.  There is no shame in asking for help.

Our story has a happy ending.  We will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  In many ways, the difficulties we have faced in our marriage have made us stronger, more accepting of one another and deepened our commitment to be in this forever.  It is hard to see that outcome when you are in the midst of a betrayal so please remember this:

There is always hope when God is the head of your union.

I do believe that the mother, the wife, is responsible for the household “work”.  Do I believe that means I have to do it all?  Absolutely not.  But, I am accountable for how my household operates.

Going back to the Proverbs 31 woman, the Bible says this:

She carefully watches everything in her household
      and suffers nothing from laziness. (verse 27)

Notice the Bible does not say, she carefully cleans everything in her household but that she watches.  She makes sure that everything gets done.  That what is important does not fall through the cracks.

Raising future husbands, I firmly believe they need to know how to do dishes and cook simple meals just as much as they need to know how to change a tire and mow the grass.  Thankfully, my husband agrees and we work together to equip our boys to be men with skills someday.

How do you handle the delegation of chores and tasks in your home? 

Today we are talking sex over at Wifey Wednesday.  When I saw the topic I was tempted to skip it.  I mean, come on? Who really wants to talk about their sex life on their blog?  Not me, that is for sure.  But, I immediately felt prompted that there are things I can say about this topic that may be of help to women (and, in turn, their husband’s).  So, here goes.

I entered marriage with a lot of sexual baggage.  I had been molested as a child and promiscuous as a teen.  While it may seem counterintuitive that someone who has been promiscuous could have issues with sex, it is the truth.  I didn’t have an issue with meaningless physical relationships.  But making love, with someone I loved, was a WHOLE different story.

Just as God promises in Isaiah, He has bound up my wounds.  But, I still have scars.  There are certain things my husband understands I am just not comfortable with.  And that is okay.

There are things that trigger difficult memories for me that have nothing to do with sex.  And there are plenty of times that my husband and I make love that my abuse never enters my mind.  And that is okay.

In I Corinthians 7:4-5 Paul states:

The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.  In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.  Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

There are many ways people interpret these verses and I don’t want to get in to a theological debate.  I do want to simply point out that these verses do not say our bodies belong to our husband.  They say that our bodies belong to us AND our husband.

A healthy sex life (which we work to have in our marriage) comes through communication in and out of the bedroom.  I do think that it is important to understand that men need sex in different ways than women, and those ways are not just physical.  My sweet friend, Robin, wrote a wonderful (and convicting) post about this recently.

If you are struggling in this area there are some important things that you can do to help the situation.  One of those things is to talk with your spouse.  Here are some things you may want to discuss:

• Where you are emotionally.  If you have scars or unhealed wounds from childhood sexual abuse, it is okay to talk to your husband about this.  Speak to a professional and get help to heal those wounds. 
• Where you are relationally.  Sometimes, we as women, don’t feel in the mood because our dear husbands are not paying attention to the other aspects of our relationship.  This is one area where the book, The Five Love Languages, really helped our relationship.  Mike discovered what makes me feel loved.  He also discovered that when I feel loved I am more inclined to feel loving.
• Where you are spiritually.  The enemy is aware that a strong couple,a strong marriage is a threat to his kingdom.  If you are not grafted to the Vine, all areas of your life will suffer including your marriage.  Sex is something I pray about.  God has provided me with the desire for my husband when it was otherwise not there.  He is faithful in all things.  Don’t be embarrassed to take sexual issues to your Heavenly Father.  He did create sex for our enjoyment (if Song of Songs is any indication).
• Where you are physically.  If you are depressed, your sex drive may be non existant.  Be willing to talk to a health care professional for the health of your marriage.  I live with chronic illness and my husband is very patient and respectful of those times that I just don’t have the energy or I am in too much pain to be touched.  I think that understanding comes out of his love for me but also because I don’t play the illness card unless I really need to.
• Where you are mentally.  Our society is hyper-sexualized.  Sometimes I just get disgusted with sex because of the images I see on TV.  Other times we can fall into the trap of wanting a false reality like we see portrayed in the movies and on television.  You and your spouse need to be honest with each other about your needs and your expectations.

God created us for relationship.  One of the most important components of relationships is healthy communication.  So, sit down soon and have the talk with your husband.  I promise you it will improve your relationship, inside and out of the bedroom.