Back to submitting

I spent a lot of time broken before God (and my hubby) last night and this morning. 

It is a long story but it boils down to my flesh wanting something (really bad), rationalizing why it would be a great thing for me to do (for my blog, for my ministry, for ME, ME, ME), resenting my husband for not supporting it.

Is going to a blogging conference bad? No!  I am going (with my hubby’s blessing and support) to three more this year. But, EVO was not meant to be for me (even though I won a ticket, won a site redesign and had a partial sponsorship).  And, instead of submitting to my husband’s wishes about this two weeks ago, I dug my heels in.  I was stubborn, determined and wasted so much time and energy pursuing something that in the end was for naught.

You see, God knew (and my husband’s spirit was burdened) that something was going to come up last night with our oldest son, Jason.  Not just anyone can deal with the issues that arise with Jason because of his special needs.  He needs me this weekend.  Mike is going to be away on a father-son campout all weekend with Jared and Matt.

  If I had been on a plane tomorrow and then found out that Jason would need me this weekend- what would I have done then?

My hubby loves me enough not to have said “I told you so” last night as I cried.  Why would I ever doubt my husband’s authority?  Why would I let my stubborn flesh interfere with being present to hear God?  Why would I have been happy to get on a plane to go thousands of miles away from my family when one of them needs me?

No, I am not going to continue to beat myself up.  I know there is no condemnation in Christ.  And, I am still looking forward to going to the other conferences on my schedule, Lord willing.

But, I am going to repent of my clouded judgment and once again, daily, minute by minute, submit to the wisdom of my husband and my God.

Why do you think this is so hard?  Or is it just me?

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday.  You can also join me each Monday for Holy Housewives, a book club where we read books about biblical womanhood and discuss how we feel and what we learn.

Moving past your past

Since I was pregnant when my {now} husband and I met, you would think that we would both have been comfortable about each other’s sexual past when we got married. 

You would think wrong.

He had a difficult time knowing that I had been promiscuous since a young age and I had a difficult time knowing that he hadn’t. I had a difficult time not experiencing shame and remorse.  He had a difficult time trusting that I wasn’t going to be unfaithful.

We had a difficult time.

Thankfully, Jesus entered the picture and our marriage less than a year after our vows.  Verses like Romans 8:1 patched up broken places in my heart with the life giving cement of forgiveness.  The entire book of Hosea helped my hubby realize that God planned for Mike to play a role in His pursuit of my heart.  God knew it would take a strong, loyal and patient man like my husband for me to ever be able to make love. 

As we discovered God’s design for marriage, we also discovered how the enemy seeks to insert evil {sexual abuse, pre-marital sex, pornography, etc} into a holy picture.

We discovered that God’s love and our love for each other really does cover a multitude of sins {I Peter4:8}.

We discovered that God doesn’t waste hurt and pain and while He remembers our sins no more, He allows us to remember the experience so that we can share our testimony with others.  To bring Him glory and to comfort each other {II Corinthians 1:3-7}- what a beautiful way to turn ashes into beauty {Isaiah 61:3}.

We discovered that sex, within marriage, can be a beautiful thing.  Once I allowed God to bind up my wounds and Mike allowed God to soothe his fears {Isaiah 61:1}, we were free to experience the sacredness of our most intimate times.

And freedom is what God wants for all of us {Galatians 5:1}.  That is why I can tell my children, with no reservations, that waiting for marriage is the right, the good, the God thing to do.  It is also why I can tell the teen moms that I work with that purity can start again, that just because you give something sacred away doesn’t mean it cannot be redeemed. 

Christ came to set us free…and I am free indeed.

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesdays and Walk with Him Wednesday.

When you mess up in marriage

Sometimes I think that God is bound and determined for me to air every mistake I have ever made on this here blog ‘o mine.  Today the topic for Wifey Wednesday is “When you are the one who blew it”. 

I have blown it in my marriage.  Many times.  In many ways. 

I will share with you the BIG one that God laid on my heart when I saw the topic.

I STINK at managing money.  Always have and it is something that God (and my hubby) have taught me a lot about over the years.  I teach on it now (God has a full circle sense of humor). Finances are a major issue for my husband because he grew up in a poor family and has taught himself a lot about biblical stewardship. He helps people in our lives that need assistance in building a budget, etc.

Yet, he married me.

We have had issues in our marriage related to money.  I had credit cards he didn’t know about.  Not once, not twice but three different times over the years.  It is an issue we dealt with in marriage counseling. 

He grew to trust me. Again. 

Then in 2007, I wanted to do something.  It was a good something, but not a God something.  Mike supported me with the stipulation that I was completely honest and transparent with him about finances.

Long story short, I wasn’t.  I was stubborn and determined not to fail and racked up over $100,000 in credit card debt for this good something.  And my husband had no idea.

When he would ask how I paid for something, I would act offended that he would question my honesty.  When he would ask for documentation, I would cry about how he didn’t trust me. 

I had a financial affair.  And I justified it, rationalized it and the problem grew bigger and bigger and bigger.

I sunk into a deep depression because I didn’t know a way out.  This good something had people depending on me.  The credit cards were reaching their limits.  I was in denial about my physical issues.  I was hiding a huge secret from my husband and family and friends.

I was having a financial affair.

When I came clean (which was not because I wanted to but because I didn’t have a choice) our marriage imploded.  It had been several years since I had betrayed him this way and never like THIS. 

The look on his face broke my heart into a million pieces.

He fixed it because he is a good man and that is what he does, he fixes things.  He had to go to family for help, which is something he abhors.  He had to deplete our hard earned savings. 

We are still recovering from this massive act of betrayal.  I didn’t know if he would ever trust me again and trust is something that has returned very slowly. And that healing only came from our relationship with Jesus.

  What have I learned from being the betrayor in my marriage?

• I had to be patient with him and understand that my actions had serious and lasting ramifications.
• God is the only one that can bring healing and restoration to a marriage.
• Time does heal wounds.  And you can’t be the one to set the time limit.
• Learn to speak your spouse’s love language and speak it fluently.
• Pray, pray and pray some more.
• Forgive yourself.  There is no condemnation in Christ and if you are busy beating yourself up, you won’t be able to focus on healing your relationship with your spouse.
• Let them deal with it in their own way.  Don’t force them to talk to you, to reassure you, to make you feel better. 
• Seek professional Christian counseling.  If the issue is too big for the two of you to deal with on your own, seek help from a pastor or Christian counselor that you trust and respect.  There is no shame in asking for help.

Our story has a happy ending.  We will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  In many ways, the difficulties we have faced in our marriage have made us stronger, more accepting of one another and deepened our commitment to be in this forever.  It is hard to see that outcome when you are in the midst of a betrayal so please remember this:

There is always hope when God is the head of your union.

What is women’s work?

I wrote yesterday about how I am surrounded by testosterone in my world.  Three sons, hubby, brothers, nephews, etc.  So, the topic that Sheila is addressing over at To Love, Honor and Vacuum today is one I have considered more than once.

I do believe that the mother, the wife, is responsible for the household “work”.  Do I believe that means I have to do it all?  Absolutely not.  But, I am accountable for how my household operates.

Going back to the Proverbs 31 woman, the Bible says this:

She carefully watches everything in her household
      and suffers nothing from laziness. (verse 27)

Notice the Bible does not say, she carefully cleans everything in her household but that she watches.  She makes sure that everything gets done.  That what is important does not fall through the cracks.

Raising future husbands, I firmly believe they need to know how to do dishes and cook simple meals just as much as they need to know how to change a tire and mow the grass.  Thankfully, my husband agrees and we work together to equip our boys to be men with skills someday.

How do you handle the delegation of chores and tasks in your home? 

Having “the talk” with your spouse

Today we are talking sex over at Wifey Wednesday.  When I saw the topic I was tempted to skip it.  I mean, come on? Who really wants to talk about their sex life on their blog?  Not me, that is for sure.  But, I immediately felt prompted that there are things I can say about this topic that may be of help to women (and, in turn, their husband’s).  So, here goes.

I entered marriage with a lot of sexual baggage.  I had been molested as a child and promiscuous as a teen.  While it may seem counterintuitive that someone who has been promiscuous could have issues with sex, it is the truth.  I didn’t have an issue with meaningless physical relationships.  But making love, with someone I loved, was a WHOLE different story.

Just as God promises in Isaiah, He has bound up my wounds.  But, I still have scars.  There are certain things my husband understands I am just not comfortable with.  And that is okay.

There are things that trigger difficult memories for me that have nothing to do with sex.  And there are plenty of times that my husband and I make love that my abuse never enters my mind.  And that is okay.

In I Corinthians 7:4-5 Paul states:

The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.  In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.  Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

There are many ways people interpret these verses and I don’t want to get in to a theological debate.  I do want to simply point out that these verses do not say our bodies belong to our husband.  They say that our bodies belong to us AND our husband.

A healthy sex life (which we work to have in our marriage) comes through communication in and out of the bedroom.  I do think that it is important to understand that men need sex in different ways than women, and those ways are not just physical.  My sweet friend, Robin, wrote a wonderful (and convicting) post about this recently.

If you are struggling in this area there are some important things that you can do to help the situation.  One of those things is to talk with your spouse.  Here are some things you may want to discuss:

• Where you are emotionally.  If you have scars or unhealed wounds from childhood sexual abuse, it is okay to talk to your husband about this.  Speak to a professional and get help to heal those wounds. 
• Where you are relationally.  Sometimes, we as women, don’t feel in the mood because our dear husbands are not paying attention to the other aspects of our relationship.  This is one area where the book, The Five Love Languages, really helped our relationship.  Mike discovered what makes me feel loved.  He also discovered that when I feel loved I am more inclined to feel loving.
• Where you are spiritually.  The enemy is aware that a strong couple,a strong marriage is a threat to his kingdom.  If you are not grafted to the Vine, all areas of your life will suffer including your marriage.  Sex is something I pray about.  God has provided me with the desire for my husband when it was otherwise not there.  He is faithful in all things.  Don’t be embarrassed to take sexual issues to your Heavenly Father.  He did create sex for our enjoyment (if Song of Songs is any indication).
• Where you are physically.  If you are depressed, your sex drive may be non existant.  Be willing to talk to a health care professional for the health of your marriage.  I live with chronic illness and my husband is very patient and respectful of those times that I just don’t have the energy or I am in too much pain to be touched.  I think that understanding comes out of his love for me but also because I don’t play the illness card unless I really need to.
• Where you are mentally.  Our society is hyper-sexualized.  Sometimes I just get disgusted with sex because of the images I see on TV.  Other times we can fall into the trap of wanting a false reality like we see portrayed in the movies and on television.  You and your spouse need to be honest with each other about your needs and your expectations.

God created us for relationship.  One of the most important components of relationships is healthy communication.  So, sit down soon and have the talk with your husband.  I promise you it will improve your relationship, inside and out of the bedroom.

Training up a Child(ren) when you don’t agree

I love my husband.  He loves me.

That being said, we often have differing opinions about raising up our boys.

Not that one way is better than the other, just that we come at this parenting thing with different experiences, different ideals and different wounds.

Yes, I said wounds.  I have found in my almost fourteen years of parenting that the issue that clouds my parental judgment most often is the foggy lense of my personal wounds from childhood.

For instance: when my boys were little I wanted them to be involved in ANYTHING they wanted to be.  That quickly led to a pooped out mama, tired and overscheduled kids and a dad with that look of “I told you so” in his dark brown eyes.

When I stepped back and looked at the situation, I was trying to give my kids something I missed out on.  I figured they had to want to be involved in scouts and little league and play groups.  I had wanted to be.

Here is the thing I have come to understand over the years: God made each of my children as a one of a kind creation.  If I am going to raise them up to be who He created them to be, I need to do so without any hidden agenda.  I had to allow God to heal the wounds of my childhood, the little girl inside me, so I could be the best parent to the children He gifted me with.

My husband has had to go through the same type of journey.  And together, through prayer and lots of discussion and compromise, we have become a parenting team.

There are times I don’t agree with how Mike is handling a situation.  There are times he thinks I am way too much of a softie. and he is probably right.

But we have a few agreements about parenting that have helped us resolve conflict when it comes to discipline:

• We ALWAYS present a united front.  If we disagree with the other parent we do so in private.
• We admit when we don’t know what we’re doing and apologize to the kids when we mess up.  Seeing the fact that mom and dad aren’t perfect does absorb some of the pressure to be perfect that kids place on themselves.
• When in doubt we look up.  God has never failed to give us an answer about how to handle a situation.  We have deferred discipline until we had peace in our hearts and with each other on how to proceed.
• We seek out mentors.  God places people in your life for a reason.  We look to couples who have “been there, done that” with their kids when we hit a parenting quandry.

We by no means have it down but the lense we choose to look through is the lens of what would Jesus do? and how can we help our children realize their potential in Christ?

What are the hurdles you and your spouse face when it comes to discipline and parenting? Do you have parenting agreements?

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday.

Fun and Marriage

Do those two words even go together?  They should!  But sometimes with the busyness of life, the chaos of raising children and the monotony of the daily grind we can lose sight of the fact that we should be enjoying life with our spouse.  That is a dangerous place to be as fun is a great intimacy builder and can remind you why you were drawn to each other in the first place.

How can you make sure you and your hubby are still having fun together?  Here are a few ideas:

• Enjoy those inside jokes.  You know the ones that are just between you and your husband.  Wink at each other from across the room when you are reminded of such a joke.  Even when you aren’t physically close to each other you can both still be enjoying the memory or the hilarity of a shared inside joke.
• Watch a comedy.  Instead of dragging your hubby to the latest chick flick go see a local comedian or watch a funny movie. Some of our favorite side splitters are any of the National Lampoon movies and my hubby enjoys Monty Python as well.
• Step out of your comfort zone.  A few years ago Mike and I visited the batting cages for a date night.  We were both so rusty at hitting a baseball it ended up being a hilarious adventure.  We still laugh about my inability to hit a curve ball.  Do something you wouldn’t normally do together and be willing to laugh at yourself.
• Appreciate your spouse’s sense of humor.  Let’s face it.  Guys have a special kind of humor (and as a mom of boys, I can tell you that is apparently something they are born with).  Every once in a while, instead of rolling your eyes at your husband’s juvenile sense of humor, go with it.  Laugh with him.  Show him that you think he is funny.

Anything you do can be fun if you choose to make it that way.  Often times it just requires a change of attitude.  We enjoy cooking together and even cleaning together (we make it a race to see who gets done first).  Look for ways to insert fun in your marriage and you will find another way to bring you and your spouse together.

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday.

Praying for your marriage

Do you ever find yourself irritated with your spouse? 

Convinced that they do not have your best interest at heart? 

Wishing you had married someone else? 

 When I am honest, I admit that my flesh has felt all of those things at one time or another the last almost fourteen years.  There is a common thing lacking in my spiritual life when I am vulnerable to those feelings: my prayer life is lacking.

Sure, I am still praying with the kids at night, perfunctory prayers before meals and bowing my head at church.  But I am most vulnerable to submitting to my flesh when I am avoiding bowing before my God on a daily, sometimes hourly basis, submitting my thoughts, my actions, my willingness and my pride, to His perfect will.

When I pray for my husband it is so much harder to be angry with him, to be short with him, to be critical of him.

Why?  Because when I am connected to the Vine I am going to bear fruit.  Bear the fruit of patience, self-control, love and, dare I add, the fruit of appreciation.

God provided Mike for me.  Provided me for Mike.  As a wife I need to be raising my husband up to my Father all the time, praying for his protection, for his heart, for his dreams, for his relationship with God.

The Bible speaks of two kinds of wisdom.  I encourage you to read James 3:13-16 and then rest on the rest of the chapter

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17-18

Isn’t it amazing?  When we ask God for wisdom, through an active prayer life, we will receive the wisdom and ability to be exactly the type of wife and woman He wants us to be. 

I am committing to praying for my husband and my marriage fervently.  Will you do the same?

Living Sacrifices in Marriage

Today, Sheila did a wonderful job today exposing some of the misconceptions about men and women common in today’s society.  I encourage you to take a moment and read her thoughts.

Her writing prompted me to think about how gender roles have affected my mindset and my marriage.

First things first- I am a girly girl.  Always have been. 

I do not like to get my hands dirty, I am scared to death of bugs and snakes, I am certainly not a daredevil and nothing makes me smile quite like chocolate and a pedicure.

 I like pink and purple, things that are monogrammed, candles, perfume and shoes…I really like shoes.  I’ve been told I have been this way since infancy.

I also like football and riding on the back of my hubby’s Harley.

That is how God made me. 

The world would like to see me exchange my femininity for equality.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe that we (men and women) are equal in the eyes of the One that matters.  But I am pretty sure that God didn’t make a mistake when he made me a woman.

And God gave me a man…a dark haired, solid, masculine husband.  And even though I am very much a woman I still took that man, the man God made for me, and for far too long emasculated him with my words, my actions and my attitude.

Life experiences and hurt had caused me to want to strike out before I could be hurt, to resist being vulnerable, to make daggone sure I was not being controlled.

And the world makes that type of behavior easy for us.  Pick up any mainstream magazine today and you will find articles about how to make your spouse what you think they should be. 

God changed my heart on this through healing the wounds of my past and showing me His design for marriage.  And this verse from Romans helps me when I am tempted to resort back to those coping mechanisms and worldly views of marriage:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will.  Romans 12:2

When we are trying to figure out how to treat our spouse, how to define our role as a wife, how to *gasp* submit, we need simply to allow our minds to be renewed by the power of the Holy Spirit and we will know what is good, pleasing and perfect.  His will for our marriage.

I don’t know about you but I want my marriage to be defined by my Maker, not society.

Living with me

 I heard John and Staci Eldredge as the question: What is it like to live with you?  They suggested you ask this question of your spouse. 

I’ll let you in on a little secret.  I don’t want to ask Mike what it is like to live with me.  I can hardly stand to live with myself on most days. 

But I did take the question to God today.  And all I have to say is “ouch”.

There are some things I need to let God work on to mold me into the kind of wife (I would want to live with, let alone the type of wife) that Mike deserves. 

Less of me, more of him.

Less of me, more of Him.

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday.

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