Marriage Tips for Beginners

Mike and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  Every year we celebrate the fact that we have beat the odds, particularly for how young we were when we got married.  Today Sheila encouraged us to look back and think about what we wish we had known when we first became husband and wife.  By sharing those things the hope is that couples who have not been married for quite as long can benefit from the things we have learned in the trenches of marriage.

Here is my (by no means conclusive or exhaustive) list:

• Love is a verb not a feeling.  I do not always “feel” in love with Mike.  I hope that doesn’t sound mean because it’s not.  Most of the time those feelings have little to do with him and more to do with me.  With how busy I am, where I am in relationship with God, my fatigue level and illness.  Do I always love him?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because love is a decision, a choice, an action.  And I make the choice to love him everyday, the decision to be the best wife I can be every day and look for ways to act out that love (like putting the toilet paper so it rolls over even though I am an under girl)
• Date night is not neglecting your kids. I remember how guilty I felt each time (which was rarely back then) that Mike and I would go out alone.  I would spend the whole time calling home to make sure the kids were okay and when I wasn’t calling home I was talking about the kids.  It was years before I realized (after a marriage conference) that spending alone time with my hubby was vital to the health of our relationship. We began making that time sacred, focusing on us and our relationship, doing fun things together (love riding the motorcycle) and our marriage greatly benefited from it.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  A healthy marriage is actually one of the best things you can do for your children!
• Make sure you are on the same page.  So many of our early arguments could have been completely avoided if we understood where the other was coming from.  We frequently sit down and check in with each other to make sure we are working toward the same goals.  If you don’t understand something your spouse said or it seemed hurtful, double check with them.  I am amazed at the times I have told Mike something he said hurt my feelings and he looks at me like I have horns.  The way he said it or his choice of words was not meant to hurt me.  Huh?  Would’ve never known that if I hadn’t asked.
• In your anger do not sin.  The Bible is your life manual and it gives great advice for what NOT to do when you are angry.  Notice God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, He wired us to have feelings and emotions.  Our mandate is to not let the anger get the best of us and lead us to sin.  To lash back, to say hurtful things, to go to bed fuming about something your spouse did, to give the silent treatment…all of those are red flags that we are letting our anger cause us to sin.

I could go on and on with the things God has revealed to me during the last twelve years.  For more sound advice on marriage visit Wifey Wednesdays.

Did I settle? or did God know just what He was doing?

I haven’t participated in Wifey Wednesday in a while but the topic today struck a chord with me.  And you know what happens when a cord is struck?  I write. (and write and edit and write and so on)

…but it does mean that if you’re not happy in your marriage, perhaps we should stop focusing on whether or not he was the right one to marry, and start focusing on how WE can become the right one?

That is the phrase that struck a chord with me in Sheila’s post.  Mike and I got married young.  I was 18 years old, he was 24.  We already had a lot of grown up baggage (he had a son, I had a son and we had one on the way together, we didn’t know Jesus as our personal Savior, etc) to contend with and neither one of us had a grown up in homes that modeled what healthy marriage looked like.

In the early days of our marriage, I sometimes wondered if I had made a mistake.  We were so different.  We handled conflict different, we approached raising children different, we definitely had different approaches when it came to handling money.  Sometimes our differences seemed to etch a chasm between our hearts and prevent us from connecting and communicating.

We had been married a year and a half when I came to know Christ and two years when Mike accepted Jesus into his heart.  I would like to say that knowing God flipped a switch in our relationship and everything was fantabulous from that moment on….but I would be lying.

I can say, however, that as we grew in our faith and in our knowledge of what God intended marriage to be, we began to work on making our marriage better.  We saw a Christian counselor, we I read books, we attended marriage conferences, we sought sound counsel from older couples.

And our marriage evolved.

I went from days of wondering “why did I marry this guy?” to appreciating how God had wired Mike specifically to be my husband (and realizing that not just anyone could handle being married to this gal).  That appreciation has led to a deeper level of intimacy and a respect for my husband that did not exist in the early days of our marriage.

My encouragement to married couples is to seek to recognize the ways that God designed your spouse to complement your personality and needs.  Once you begin to notice the things that make your spouse right for you, it changes the whole dynamic of your relationship.

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing the man I am meant to be with into my life.  Thank you for helping me see that we complete each other instead of giving up when ever discouraging times came our way.  Thank you for creating someone for me that allows me to be myself, that delights in my successes and is willing to go outside of his comfort zone to grow along side me.  Help us all see your design for marriage and adjust our expectations of our spouse accordingly. ~Amen.

Technology and Marriage- a match made in?

I haven’t participated in Wifey Wednesday, hosted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum in quite a while.  But when I read Sheila’s topic for the day I knew God was sending me a message.

I have many friends (in real life) who complain about the amount of time their hubby’s sit in front of the TV, surf the ‘net or engage in gaming (online or video games)

I can’t relate to their issue…but boy, can my husband!

About a year and a half ago, I stumbled across a blog and the rest is history.  I am hooked.  I love blogging.  I love writing.  I love reading other’s posts and connecting with other fabulous women through the internet.

That is not a bad thing.

It becomes a problem when I allow the computer to become an idol in my life.  When I allow Twitter or Facebook updates to become more important than my marriage.  When I say “just give me a minute” as my children clamor for my attention.  That type of behavior is a bad thing.

All the enemy needs in our life is a foothold.  Yes, I feel called by God to engage in the activities on the ‘net that I do (with the exception of Bejeweled ).  However, I have felt convicted since last fall that I was sending a (albeit unintended) message to my family that they are not priorities in my life by needing to look up from my laptop to give them my attention.

So, I did something about it.

I prayed and asked God what I needed to relinquish (some writing commitments, a radio show and a website), what I needed to cut back on (twitter, facebook, time spend blog surfing) and I set a schedule.  This new way of doing things has worked for me since the fall.  As a matter of fact, I have been blessed with several new opportunities that fall within that schedule!  Go God!!

When the internet is a source of income Starbucks money there is a certain amount of time networking, maintaining relationships and actually working that needs to be done.  It is a lie of the enemy that you can do that without a plan and not negatively impact your family.

I set hours for my computer use.  I don’t have the computer on after the kids and hubby get home unless they are otherwise occupied.  I take Sunday’s off from posting.  I plan posts ahead of time (this was hard for me, as I like to write as the mood strikes but I got used to it).  I have said no to opportunities that require me to be online in the evening.

It is possible to juggle (notice, I did not say balance) this unique world of blogging, internet marketing and social media.

Do you agree?  Do you struggle with this?  How do you handle this special juggling act?

The Stranger in the Bed

So today, here’s the question I want to ask: have you ever been at a low point in your marriage? How did you turn it around?

It was a Friday in early 2004.

I won’t go into how frustrating a time it was that the school system was unable to deal with a troubled boy, how patient my employer was with my frequent disappearances to handle emergencies, how this situation impacted our other children…

but I will tell you I felt distraught and I felt alone.

Alone?  Why would I feel alone when I had a husband by my side?

Because we were dealing with the implosion of our family in very different ways.

Retreat. Turn inward.  Immerse yourself in work. Minimize the problem.  That was Mike’s way of coping.

Resent. Over-extend.  Immerse  yourself in guilt and shame.  Try to control the problem.  That was my way of coping.

Neither of us were coping in a way that was conducive to our relationship.  We lay in bed at night, backs to each other, both having so much to say and fall asleep to silence.

When we did speak, it was throwing “You don’t do this” and “You should be doing this” statements around instead of leaning into each other for the support both of us desperately needed at the time.

We spoke of the D word.

Then a Pastor reminded us that this situation was not either one of our doing.  That we had become so focused on the problem we had lost sight of part of the solution- coming together and working as a team.

It took getting some time away together, re-focusing on our marriage as a priority, and some good old-fashioned marriage counseling…but we got through it.

By the grace of God we got through a difficult time.  We did not know it then but that period of trial in our marriage was preparing us for far more difficult times ahead.  Times that we would be able to withstand because our focus was back on our team.

Mike+Melissa+God= A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:12

Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum for more Wifey Wednesday posts.

Being pro-active in marriage

Over the spring and summer I watched the marriage of my best friend unravel.

The process has been incredibly difficult to observe for several reasons.   The main reason is because it was unexpected- to me.

M. and I have been best friends since we were in elementary school, we were in each other’s weddings, present for the birth of babies and vacationed together (as families) for years.

So, when the announcement about a divorce was made I was really in shock.  They hadn’t mentioned that was even on the table.

Am I mad at her?  No.  There are plenty of times that Mike and I have been struggling in our marriage that I have not confided in M. (or anyone else for that matter)

But, now I wonder- is that the best strategy? Should we shield our loved ones and friends from the facts of what is going on in our homes and marriages or should we be more open and transparent so that we can benefit from the support and prayers of those that love us?

There is a part of me that has always wanted to keep our marital issues private.  For the purpose of keeping up appearances at times but also not wanting to speak ill of my husband (which I believe is an important bibical mandate).

Yet, watching the aftermath of a divorce that has hit so close to home has made me stop and realize that marriage requires us to be proactive, particularly if our marriages are going to last.

Seeking Godly counsel, asking for prayer, making quality time with your spouse a priority, finding couples that are like minded to spend time with, finding couples that have been married longer that can serve as an example, and learning God’s plan for marriage need to be part of our daily lives.

Divorce is NOT God’s plan.  While I do not say that in judgment of anyone, I feel strongly that those of us that are married need to do all we can to insure we stay that way.

What do you think contributes to a healthy marriage?  Do you think it is important to keep issues private or share with others?

I would love to know your thoughts.

And for other Wifey Wednesday posts, please visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday- What are you made of?

I wasn’t going to post a Wifey Wednesday post today because I had already discussed marriage in Monday’s post (you can read that here)

But, the topic that Sheila has today hit so close to home for me that I felt compelled to write about it:

What Makes A Marriage?

~Sitting by your wife’s side in the hospital, stroking her hair and conveying through your eyes what it would do to you to lose her.

~Biting your tongue and resisting the STRONG urge to say “I told you so” when your hubby doesn’t listen (to God or you) and it ends up costing you $1000 for a new hood on the car.

~Discussing your children with passion and vigor, knowing that you both want the same outcome for them: a strong walk with God.

~Laying in bed while he cuddles the puppy (he said he didn’t want) and talking about what the future could hold.

~Having someone you can tell anything to, share anything with and let the “real” you shine around.

~Going before your Lord together in prayer (no more intimate experience, my friends)

~Laughing at the “quirks” that make your mate special

~Knowing that God created this person to be your 1+1=1 equation.

Marriage is not an opt-out, feel good experience.  Marriage is experiencing the ups AND downs of life together and letting that histroy bind you closer to one another.

Marriage is hard work, it even hurts sometimes.  Dying to self is never easy.

Marriage is awesome and we were designed for the relationship.

Marriage is what you make of it.

Wifey Wednesday- The Little Things

I am a daggone posting maching today =)  That stems from the fact that a. I have a lot to say and b. I don’t feel well so will have my trusty laptop and bottle of water on the couch with me all day.

Anyways, Sheila is talking about those things in our marriages {read: those annoying things our hubby’s do and we can’t make them stop} that cause ongoing conflict.  Marriages are full of these little conflicts.  When they go unchecked they can slowly erode the intimacy and connection you feel with your spouse.  So, what is a wifey to do?

In addition to the great tips that Sheila {be sure and go read those because they are important and I don’t repeat them here!} gave in her post I would add the following:

• Remember that we aren’t perfect either.  You know the biblical principle, look at the log in your eye before examining the speck in someone else’s?  This is crucial in marriage.  Many times when I am irritated with Mike over something he does ALL THE TIME I realize that it is me that needs to change my attitude, not try to change my spouse.  And by the way, only God gives you the strength to do that.  Otherwise all husbands would be dead by now.
• Keep God first. Our pastor reminded our congregation of this in reference to marriage just a few weeks ago.  We can tend to get so focused on what our spouse does that we don’t like, and just wrapped up in marriage and life in general, that we forget to give God His proper place at the head of our lives.  When we do this He can give us the ability to look past the petty annoyances and see our spouse through His eyes.
• Don’t give up.  There are very few {and I do mean few} reasons that marriages should end.  I am not saying this in a spirit of condemnation.  If you are going through a difficult time or have been divorced, that is between you and God.  I just say this to point out that too often couples throw in the towel over these very same annoyances and grievances we are talking about today.  Your spouse is God’s one of a kind gift to you.  If you give up on you as a couple, you are telling God that He doesn’t know what is best for you, that His plan is not good enough for you.  Stick it out.  Work through the problems with God’s help {and I say this as half of a couple that did just that}.  It is so worth it!

Any thoughts?  Please share!

Wifey Wednesday- The Honeymoon

The hubby and I didn’t have a honeymoon to speak of. We had a 13 1/2 month old and I was 6 months pregnant with Matt so we couldn’t really afford one. We did go for a week to my grandparents house on the bay. It was the first time my husband ever seen the ocean and Jared was a great age for playing in the sand and frolicking in the waves with Daddy (I was curled up under the umbrella with a good book, some things never change)

After we became Christians we heard pastors say that your marriage needs to come before the kids. That was a foreign concept to us at the time, but the more time we spent in prayer and Scripture realized that is God’s plan. If you neglect your marriage for parenthood, then your kids have no positive example of what love should look like and you run the risk of not knowing your mate intimately when the kids are grown and gone.

So, we began to make it a tradition to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We have been doing this for the last 10 years and it has been wonderful. We have such fun when it is just the two of us (something we never experienced as we met when I was pregnant and Mike had Jason).

We have gone to Lancaster, PA where we took a buggy ride, bought homemade root beer and ate in a “family style” restaurant.

We have gone to Williamsburg, VA where we toured Old Town, had coffee in a bookstore and went to Busch Gardens (I am not much of a roller coaster gal but make the best of it for my hubby’s sake)

We spent a weekend at Kings Dominion to see some of our favorite Christian rock bands.

We rented a cabin in the mountains, toured Smoke Hole Caverns and made a bonfire. (There was a hot tub in that cabin..hmm,mmm anyways)

We have made some great memories on those mini “honeymoons” as we call them. Investing time in each other and your relationship is key to a thriving, lasting marriage! For more Wifey Wednesday posts please visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday- A bit resentful?

Today at Sheila’s blog we are talking marriage and resentment for the Wifey Wednesday meme.  Immediately when I think of resenting our spouse (which I have certainly struggled with as recently as yesterday) you know who comes to my mind?  That daggone Proverbs 31 woman, the woman whom I aspire to be. 

In verse 25 it says she laughs at the days to come.

I wasn’t laughing much this week.  As I may have mentioned incessantly a few times here on the blog and on Twitter that my husband has been working TONS of overtime.  Now, while I know that I should be thankful that he has a job and we can put some money in the savings account- blah, blah, blah I have been getting resentful and irritated about how these hours are affecting my plans.

For example, we were supposed to go to my grandparent’s for a week after church last Sunday.  As I type this it is Wednesday morning, I am at home and not at my grandparents enjoying relaxation and the views of the Chesapeake Bay.  My boys went ahead to my grandparent’s on Sunday afternoon so I miss my kids.  And, if I am being honest I was really resenting Mike about this.

Then in my time with God this morning I was reminded of an important concept held in Ephesians 4:22-24.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Well, hello!  My deceitful desires were not taking into account the fact that one of our cars has broken down, that my husband is blessed to have a job and side work when his company is actively laying people off, and that the way I “feel” and respond to a situation is my choice.

So, today rather than being resentful of  a good thing I am thankful for a husband with the work ethic of Pa Ingalls and I choose contentment rather than resentment through the power of Jesus today.

Wifey Wednesday- Does He Make You Cry?

 

Today’s topic over at Sheila’s blog is:  Does your hubby make you cry?  YES!  but not necessarily in the way you would think, nor in the way he made me cry in the early years of our marriage. {just a side note, nobody makes you cry, in my opinion.  You allow something someone says or does to frustrate or upset you.  So, when I say Mike “made” me cry I am not blaming him for that choice.}

Anyways, when we first were together and sorting out the ins and outs of marriage Mike and I would frequently misunderstand each other.  This would often lead to tears {shed by me, of course}.  You enter marriage with expectations. Ahhh…there is the problem.  We enter marriage expecting our partner to act a certain way, treat us a certain way, meet our needs, etc. etc.  When I think back on the expectations I had of Mike whenwe first met, it brings me to tears that he has stuck with me this long!

And that is how he makes me cry today {most of the time}.  It is very rare in our marriage that I cry out of frustration, anger or hurt feelings.  Not to say that I don’t experience those emotions but we have learned how to communicate effectively enough that it doesn’t escalate to the tears point (unless I am PMSing and don’t tell Mike I admitted to that}. 

Today I cry when I think of how blessed I am to have a husband who has stuck with me through very ugly times, who is my champion and cheerleader,who expands his comfort zone every day in order to be the best husband possible.  I cry when I think of him sitting by my hospital bed, refusing to leave even to shower {stinky} and going down to the cafeteria and bringing his food right back to my bedside.  I cry when I think of the man he has allowed God to grow him in to compared to the man I met almost fourteen years ago.   I cry when I think of the man he already was back then, despite the trials and difficulties he had faced in his life, that he would allow himself to fall in love with a pregnant girl who pushed him away every chance she got because she was so afraid of being hurt.

I cry when I picture us twenty years from now, being grandparents together {and my boys know it better be 20 years from now}.  I cry when I think of how God has healed my heart to the point that I can love my husband as much as I do.

So, yes, Mike makes me cry.  But nine times out of ten, it’s the good tears.

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