Adoption is forever…

I have never wanted to write this post.  It is very personal and private.  Some of it is not my story to tell so pardon me if I am vague in some areas.  But, this event, this ugly thing that has happened that has affected the world’s view of adoption needs to be corrected. 

Today is the day that we (adoptive parents everywhere) are speaking the truth about our adoption experiences (the good, the bad and the ugly) in the hopes that people everywhere understand that while adoption may not be easy it is FOREVER.

Here is my story:

As most of you know my oldest son is adopted (by me, he is my husband’s biological son).  I met Jason when he was about to turn three.  Having been through a lot in my own childhood I immediately recognized that Jason wasn’t growing up in a good environment.  He called me “mom” just because I was his daddy’s girlfriend.

The next time I saw him (a few months later) he was jumpy and afraid of the dark.  He wet the bed.  Lots of red flags.  He lived over 1000 miles away so keeping an eye on the situation proved difficult.

In 1997, when Jason was four we received a phone call in the middle of the night from a neighbor of his bio mom’s.  She had searched information for our number, only knowing my husband’s last name.  I won’t go into the details of that call here but the next day began our quest to get custody of Jason.  After almost two years, thousands of dollars in legal fees, thousands of miles back and forth from Iowa to West Virginia and two more years of abuse and neglect, we succeeded.  We were awarded full custody of Jason in March 1999.  After abuse and neglect continued during visitations between Jason and his bio mom, her parental rights were terminated and I adopted Jason as my own in September 2000.

When a child experiences bonding issues with their bio mom, are exposed to unmentionable abuse and neglect the scars run deep.  And those scars cause them to lash out.  Particularly to the person that represents the person that hurt them.  In this case- me.  Jason was hurt by his bio mom in so many ways and then I became his mom. 

I love Jason because he is part of my husband.  I love him because he is my son.  But I also love him because I understand.  I know what it is to be hurt by the person that is supposed to care for you more than anything.

So I took it.  Punches, kicks, hair pulling, bruises, name calling (so sad to me that he even knew those words).  I excused it, hid it and took it.

Because there were also hugs, kisses, special moments when it seemed he would be okay.  We did everything “right”- therapy, IEP’s and love, lots of love.  We learned how to restrain a child when he was raging, but even when he was eight and nine I wasn’t physically strong enough.  Only my husband could.  And he worked…a lot.

Jason didn’t just have a problem with authority at home.  It translated everywhere…school, church, public places.  We began to not be able to go anywhere as a family.  Mike would have to stay home with Jason and the other boys and I would go or vice versa.  We became isolated, lost friends and our family started to splinter.

He would run away from school, hit his teacher’s and hurt other students.  His anger was palpable and his hurt ran so deep.  The courts intervened in 2004.  Our eleven year old son had a probation officer.  If he messed up at school, hurt me or hurt his brothers he would be taken away.  Kind of setting him up to fail.

And in December 2004, Jason was taken from us.  He was deemed to be a danger to himself and others and placed in a residential facility for troubled children. 

I felt like the life had been sucked out of me.  We just wanted him to be okay.  His placement was 3 hours away from our home.  Our weekends became road trips.  Labels were given: conduct disorder, attachment disorder, PTSD.

In June of 2007 our lives were turned completely upside down. Jason was about to come home from residential treatment and the judge that had originally ordered him there had requested an evaluation by several different types of therapists before he would sign the final order.  One of those therapists was a juvenile sex offender treatment therapist. {Jason had displayed sexual acting out behaviors since he was very little}

The findings of her evaluation changed our lives forever.  Jason disclosed things that not only made the judge rule that Jason could not return home but that he could also have no contact with his brothers, our other children.

The judge ordered Jason to a sex offender treatment program (three hours from our home).  Jason was there for over a year.  It was like a prison.  All the kids wore the same clothes, same shoes, bars on the windows.  We could only visit him once a month and it had to be in a room with all the other kids visiting their loved ones and we could only hug him when we left.  It was the worst year of my life (and that is saying a lot considering the things I have been through)

Jason is not allowed to have any contact with Jared and Matthew  by court order.  It is heartbreaking to try to be a mom to brothers who are forbidden to see each other.  When Mike and I visit Jason on the weekends (he is closer now so we get to see him weekly) we have to leave Jared and Matt behind. When we talk to him on the phone we have to go in another room. Family holidays, birthdays- it has just thrown our whole family a curveball we could have never expected. 

We get through, by the grace of God.  We are defining what family looks like when we can’t all be under the same roof.  Jason is doing well at his boarding school and is even getting his permit and a job this summer.  But, his life has not been easy.  He struggles under the constant weight of his early childhood.

If you have stuck with this post so far, you should know that I would never abandon Jason. And it is not because he is related to my husband by blood.

 No matter what happened, he is my son. I made that choice from the day we began the custody process and stood before a judge and agreed to be his mama as if I had given birth to him myself.

And, although our road has been far from what I envisioned it to be eleven years ago, I consider it a privilege to be his mama.

Every placement that Jason has had, every counselor, every social worker has commented on my commitment to him.  How many people have walked away (from children they gave birth to) over much less.  When you know what it means to be abandoned it strengthens your resolve to never let a child you know feel that way again.

Adoption is God’s plan. Period. End of story.  What if God decided that we were too much?  Too sinful?  Too violent?  Made too many mistakes?  How many of us would be worthy of salvation?  Of Him being our Heavenly Father?

Not.one.of.us. 

Thank God adoption is forever!

(I am sorry for the length of this post but I had to share my heart on this.  While I have been as vague as possible I would ask that if you know my family in person you not discuss the details in this post with my children.  It is obviously a very sensitive and difficult situation for our family.)

Wifey Wednesday- Comparison

Today, Sheila at To Love, Honor and Vacuum is tackling the dangerous tendency we ladies have of comparing our husbands to other men/husband’s out there (or even worse characters in romance novels and movies)

I have fallen into this trap before.  Thinking how nice it would be if my hubby was more “romantic” like Jack or more “in tune with my needs” like Bob or more “outgoing” like Jim.

Hmmm, selfish much?

Because here is the thing…when we wish or daydream about our husband being someone or something other than who he is we are, in essence, telling God that He didn’t do a good enough job in choosing and creating our mate.

It is truly a matter of perspective.

When I choose to be thankful for the man God gave me I am more apt to notice the ways He is perfect for me.  Trust me, not just any guy could live with me!

He is patient.

He is calm.

He is the one that holds my kite strings so I can soar yet not fly away.

He is the one that can handle my intense emotion without taking it personally.

He is the one that thinks things through before giving an answer.

He is the one who holds my heart.

He is the one that takes that privilege seriously.

God knew what He was doing when He made Mike. i know that God made him with me in mind and vice versa. I have no doubt that we were meant to be together.  A team.   Two becoming one and together living out God’s purpose for our lives.

Avoid the trap of the enemy that is comparison.  Instead, ask God to open your eyes to the gift that lies next to you every night.

Numbers don’t count

This year I participated in Lent.

This is notable for several reasons.  One: I am a Baptist.  Two: I have never recognized Lent before.  Three: I didn’t even know what it meant (thanks google).

But, I had a nudging from the Holy Spirit that I needed to give up my obsession keen interest in some numbers.  My blog numbers or stats as we call them in the blogosphere.

For those of you that aren’t bloggers, there are several programs you can use to keep track of the number of people that visit your blog, what articles they find interesting, what google search terms brought them to you (this is a hilarious activity in and of itself) and much more. We bloggers can become quite attached to viewing our stats on a minute by minute daily basis.

It is good information to have with the right perspective.

But with the wrong perspective, the enemy can use your stats to make you doubt yourself, fill your heart with selfish ambition, have you write things to please your audience rather than please God…you can easily get off the right path.

So, for the last forty days I haven’t looked at mine.  It was really hard for the first few days and God had to deal with me about my warped perspective.

How my “success” has nothing to do with what anyone thinks except Him!

I even had to tell a PR rep (who shouldn’t have asked anyway) that I couldn’t tell them my current stats because I had given up following them for Lent.  I will probably never hear from them again.  So be it!

Let me tell you friends…my writing changed.  I was writing about the things on my heart without care of who was reading or who may stop reading.  I was writing for an audience of One and it felt great!  It feels great because I am going to continue to do it.

Yes, I will look at my stats occasionally because they are valuable information to have.  But will I care if a certain post didn’t get the hits I thought it would?  No.  Because I have been reminded that God sends the people to read my posts that are meant to read them.  And if what I write touches one person’s heart than His mission is accomplished through me.

Today, I unwrap the gift of not caring about numbers.  And, my friends it is a freeing gift.

I wonder what God will have me relinquish next year.  I can’t wait!

This post is linked here.

Hersheys and the Children’s Miracle Network

Hershey’s has partnered with Children’s Miracle Network and this Easter Hershey’s will donate up to $5000 to CMN through the Better Basket Blog Hop campaign. It’s so easy to participate and will only take a few minutes of your time. Hershey’s will donate $10 per post up to 500 posts. When we are all done that will be $5000 raised for Children’s Miracle Network!

I was excited to receive a “basket” from my friend, Melissa, at Full Circle.

Here’s all I need to do:
HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES:
* Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
* Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
* Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
* Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
* Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).
* Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation.

How cool!  One post- $10 for the Children’s Miracle Network.

So, I am giving baskets to the following bloggers:

The Professional Family Manager

Alyssa from Life from my Laptop

and

one of my faves, Popp Life

If you want more info about this fun and easy blog hop to raise money for an important cause, watch the #betterbasket hashtag on Twitter.

Happy Easter!

So Long Insecurity, Hello Me

I am reading Beth Moore’s newest book, So Long Insecurity…You’ve been a bad friend to us.

Wow, has God been using this book to touch my heart and thunk (may have just made up another word) on the head about some things. One of them is embracing who I am, who He made me to be rather than being so worried about how others perceive who I am, if I come on too strong, if I talk too much, etc. I am just me.
I re-took the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator test because I wanted to know who I am today. I had taken it many times as a young adult (because my grandmother is certified to administer the test) and in college but I know that I have changed and grown over the last ten years.
Here are my results:
Idealist Portrait of the Teacher (ENFJ)

Even more than the other Idealists, Teachers have a natural talent for leading students or trainees toward learning, or as Idealists like to think of it, they are capable of calling forth each learner’s potentials. Teachers (around two percent of the population) are able – effortlessly, it seems, and almost endlessly-to dream up fascinating learning activities for their students to engage in. In some Teachers, this ability to fire the imagination can amount to a kind of genius which other types find hard to emulate. But perhaps their greatest strength lies in their belief in their students. Teachers look for the best in their students, and communicate clearly that each one has untold potential, and this confidence can inspire their students to grow and develop more than they ever thought possible.

In whatever field they choose, Teachers consider people their highest priority, and they instinctively communicate personal concern and a willingness to become involved. Warmly outgoing, and perhaps the most expressive of all the types, Teachers are remarkably good with language, especially when communicating in speech, face to face. And they do not hesitate to speak out and let their feelings be known. Bubbling with enthusiasm, Teachers will voice their passions with dramatic flourish, and can, with practice, become charismatic public speakers. This verbal ability gives Teachers a good deal of influence in groups, and they are often asked to take a leadership role.

Teachers like things settled and organized, and will schedule their work hours and social engagements well ahead of time-and they are absolutely trustworthy in honoring these commitments. Valuing as they do interpersonal cooperation and harmonious relations, Teachers are extraordinarily tolerant of others, are easy to get along with, and are usually popular wherever they are.

Teachers are highly sensitive to others, which is to say their intuition tends to be well developed. Certainly their insight into themselves and others is unparalleled. Without a doubt, they know what is going on inside themselves, and they can read other people with uncanny accuracy. Teachers also identify with others quite easily, and will actually find themselves picking up the characteristics, emotions, and beliefs of those around them. Because they slip almost unconsciously into other people’s skin in this way, Teachers feel closely connected with those around them, and thus show a sincere interest in the joys and problems of their employees, colleagues, students, clients, and loved ones.

My thoughts: God has a sense of humor, doesn’t he? The one thing I keep telling Him He picked the wrong girl to do (teach/speak) is the title of my personality profile. Hardy har har, God.

And I was right, my personality has changed…just a bit from when I was younger. I used to be an ENFP. I can totally see how the J (judging) part has become more prominent in my personality, I think molded by experiences and maturity.

So, today I am unwrapping the gift of me. Who God created and molded me to be and being completely okay with it (or on the way to being okay with it )
This post is linked here.

**If you choose to click on the link and purchase Beth Moore’s latest book from Amazon, I would receive a small commission as an Amazon affiliate.**

At The Martha Stewart Show

Absolutely excited to be at the Martha Stewart show right now! Part of the live blogging audience for her special blog show. Please follow me on Twitter and you can follow the hashtag #blogshow to get all our live updates. Will post all about my NYC adventure as soon as I get home.

Focus for 2010

Well, if you read my blog or know me at all, you know that I am not a fan of New Year’s resolutions.  My God is not bound by time frames and can convict me any day of the year to begin a good thing or complete a work in me.  I am, however, a planner.  Goal oriented, purpose driven, Type A all the way…you know the kind.

I was excited to see other ladies making their blogging goals for 2010 public as that is the best way to be held accountable.  And, I want to do the same.  Here are my goals/plans for blogging in 2010.

When I started this blog in June ’08 I never imagined that any one, other than my family and IRL friends would read it.  I never imagined that I would get to meet such fabulous women, make lasting friendships and garner intense support from people via the internet.  But God did.

He knew that this was the perfect outlet for me to vent, write, laugh, cry, and hopefully inspire others through. I am so thankful for the blogging community and the ability to share of myself through this venue.

And for 2010:

1. Stay true to the vision.  I started this blog as a way to chronicle my journey living with chronic illness.  I blog about it frequently here as well as MomActive and my MomTV show, The Invisibles.  Being a patient is part of who I am and I want to make sure that those readers coming here for encouragement due to living with a chronic illness are able to find it.  While there are many other aspects of myself I love to and will continue to share on this blog, I am re-committed to regular posting about this important issue.
2. Stay true to myself.  I admit that there are subjects I have not tackled on my blog because I don’t want to offend, read negative comments, subject myself to criticism, etc.  I have been a wimp, to put it succinctly.  If I have an opinion on a subject and (after prayer and careful consideration) feel led to post on it, I am going to do so (to steal MckMama’s word) boldly.  I will not be quiet ever again out of concern for blog stats, losing followers, etc.  I need to be who God calls me to be….period.
3. Stay focused.  I have a lot going on in this online world.  I write for several sites, manage three blogs and a social network of my own, host two blog talk radio shows, a momtv show and more.  Spreading yourself too thin is something I caution clients against all the time.  I am not as good at taking my own advice.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to streamline my sites and maximize my time.  I will be merging my other blogs to this one (look for site construction in February) with the goal of just having this site and my social network to manage by the end.  That way I can focus on quality content, quality shows and quality interaction.
4. Stay on schedule.  I have implemented a computer schedule to insure that I am giving ample attention to my family.  I am going to continue with this schedule through 2010 and support others in doing the same.  No matter how  many people I minister to through my blog and other online ventures, it is worth nothing if I am not meeting the needs of those God has entrusted to my direct care: my spouse and children.  I have also made a writing schedule including themes and topics for the entire year.  I hope this will help make my writing and computer time more efficient.
5. Stay connected. God has blessed me with wonderful friendships via the internet.  I have had the pleasure of meeting several of you in real life thanks to conferences and events.  I plan to be selective about the events I attend in 2010 and can’t wait to make new friends and continue to develop the friendships already established online.  I also want to connect with my readers.  I want to focus on my BlogFrog community and Facebook fan page as a way to reach out and engage my readers.  Any suggestions are welcome!
6. Stay educated.  That sounds stupid but I am trying to keep with my stay theme, okay?  Anyways, I am not a tech savvy person.  I am committed to learning how to add plug-ins, make basic changes to my blog,etc without being afraid that I will cause something to go terribly wrong.  It is also not in my budget to continue to pay someone to make these changes for me this year.  I will be edumacating (hee, hee) myself about WordPress this year- YIKES!

So, those are my blogging goals for 2010.  What do you think?  Is there anything missing?  Anything you wish I would write more or less about?  Give it to me straight- I love to hear from you!

For more Blogging Goals from Savvy Bloggers click here.

Starting the year off right

I first heard about The Bible in 90 days challenge on Twitter (and if you don’t tweet, this is just another reason to hop on the bandwagon with the rest of us

Reading through the entire Bible is something I have only done two other times in my life and both times were quite a while ago.  Having the accountability and encouragement from other moms going through the same program sounded great to me.  And what better way to start off the year?

Of course when you commit to doing something like this, the  enemy is not happy.  So, I knew to be expecting some hurdles to this endeavor, which we have committed to doing January 1st through March 31, 2010.

The last few days (part of the road trip gone wrong: watch for post on Wednesday) have not been conducive to reading of any kind and I was already feeling defeated.

But, then I started to catch up on the reading and was immediately blessed.  In our reading from yesterday (way back in Genesis) we are reminded to bring our petitions to God because He is listening (and remembers).

I was immediately encouraged and caught up with the reading.  It is not too late for you either…why don’t you join us in this quest to get deep in God’s word in 2010?  Your faithfulness will surely be rewarded.

Leave me a comment if you are going to join the challenge so I can check up on you hold you accountable!

Outraged

So, I was born in Maryland and consider the Eastern Shore of Maryland my true home.  However, for the last fifteen years I have lived in West Virginia-  the Mountain State.  My husband was born and raised here, my children were born and are being raised here.

And I happen to love it here!

Imagine my dismay when I discovered this piece of journalism trash posted on the website of a DC television station’s website (that I used to watch, USED to watch)

Here is the full text of the offensive article:

Now the news that West Virginia has put a whole bunch of its important vital records on the Internet certainly raises the possibility of all kinds of cheap shots at our yokel neighbors to the West.

But that’d be completely unfair, a gross stereotype about our neighbors’ tar-paper shacks, which probably don’t even have enough electricity to power a Commodore anyway.

But if they did have one, they’d be able to log on to the new Web site and do all kinds of research, says the Herald-Mail. Here, for example, is a listing of all the birth certificates for people named Cletus. Here’s a listing of all the Twittys who’ve died in the state. And here’s a listing of all the weddings in the state where both the bride and the groom had the last name “Smith.”

Isn’t it enough that they have to poop in their backyard, running through the cold, fearing that the trap door on their red flannel pajamas should pop open early, exposing their nether regions to the bite of the winds? Why do we have to make fun of them for their misfortune?

So we won’t.

The site has all the data they have that’s legally shareable. Birth certificates can’t be shared for 100 years; death certificates are on ice for 50. Records from the Civil War aren’t available, as well as a few gaps where fire or flood took out a courthouse or two.

But if you’ve ever wondered what Hank Williams’ death registry looks like (you can put your hand down), now you can die happy. (And have someone from WV look at it 50 years later, once the Internet finally comes to the state.)

Copyright NBC Local Media First Published: Dec 18, 2009 8:50 AM EST

While I am aware there are people in this state living in extreme poverty (as there are in many states) the insinuation that to live in West Virginia means that you are an uneducated “yokel” infuriates me.

Why am I sharing this with you, my dear readers?  Not just for the sake of venting about something that has me very upset but because I know that  many of you live in the MD/DC/VA/WV area.

If this is the case I am asking you to join me in asking for a public apology by the station and the “reporter” who wrote the original piece.  You can do that by clicking here.

Now, I am going to drink a cup of coffee and enjoy the beautiful view of snow covered mountains from my front porch.

The Stranger in the Bed

So today, here’s the question I want to ask: have you ever been at a low point in your marriage? How did you turn it around?

It was a Friday in early 2004.

I won’t go into how frustrating a time it was that the school system was unable to deal with a troubled boy, how patient my employer was with my frequent disappearances to handle emergencies, how this situation impacted our other children…

but I will tell you I felt distraught and I felt alone.

Alone?  Why would I feel alone when I had a husband by my side?

Because we were dealing with the implosion of our family in very different ways.

Retreat. Turn inward.  Immerse yourself in work. Minimize the problem.  That was Mike’s way of coping.

Resent. Over-extend.  Immerse  yourself in guilt and shame.  Try to control the problem.  That was my way of coping.

Neither of us were coping in a way that was conducive to our relationship.  We lay in bed at night, backs to each other, both having so much to say and fall asleep to silence.

When we did speak, it was throwing “You don’t do this” and “You should be doing this” statements around instead of leaning into each other for the support both of us desperately needed at the time.

We spoke of the D word.

Then a Pastor reminded us that this situation was not either one of our doing.  That we had become so focused on the problem we had lost sight of part of the solution- coming together and working as a team.

It took getting some time away together, re-focusing on our marriage as a priority, and some good old-fashioned marriage counseling…but we got through it.

By the grace of God we got through a difficult time.  We did not know it then but that period of trial in our marriage was preparing us for far more difficult times ahead.  Times that we would be able to withstand because our focus was back on our team.

Mike+Melissa+God= A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:12

Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum for more Wifey Wednesday posts.

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