Open letter to family court system

This is an actual letter I wrote after an interesting and eye opening experience with one of the teen moms I mentor.  Names have been left blank to protect privacy.

August 13, 2010

Dear Judge ________,

I had my first encounter with the family court system on August 11, 2010 when I accompanied ________ _________ to a hearing to extend an emergency protection order filed against her mother’s boyfriend, ___________ ________. 

I wanted to share my takeaway from the experience with you in hopes that I can provide you with a different perspective.  I can only imagine the dysfunction you see in your court room on a daily basis.  As a resident of this county, as a woman and as a mother I appreciate all that you do for families in our area.

However, __________ left the courtroom that day feeling marginalized and defeated, despite the fact that you did rule to extend the order to keep her and her daughter safe.  The reason for her feeling this way is that her mother, ____, took the stand, told you half- truths and outright lies and you seemed to believe them.

I encouraged _______ when we left that it doesn’t matter if you weren’t able to obtain the full story, at least she has the ability to keep herself and ________ safe, at least, until November.  But, I also sensed that this is exactly why it is so difficult for us (our organization and others that work with these girls) to get them to file charges in the first place.

In most of the cases we deal with, we certainly encourage and facilitate the relationship between the teen mom and her family.  But, in cases like ________’s, safety and healthy relationships are more important than biology.

This is not the first instance that Mr. _________ has been physical with ________.  He has also been physical with her mom and the charges filed by ________ are his second offense domestic violence proceedings.  ________ would have been unable to call 911 that day if our agency had not provided her with a cell phone, as her mother and Mr. _______ gave her no access to a land line or a cell phone and severely limited her access to the internet and other forms of communication.

________ has four younger brothers and sisters that have been in the foster care system for several years due to _____’s instability and history of drug and alcohol addiction.  When _________ referred to ________’s “running away” on the stand, she was actually making reference to a time when ________ had to go and stay with her mother’s friend because Mr. _______ had been physical with her during her pregnancy and they were pressuring her to obtain an abortion that she did not want.

I am not naive and realize that often teenagers embellish and exaggerate stories to make themselves look good and their parents like the ogres.  However, this is not one of those cases.  We carefully examine and research the girl’s in our program so we know how best to help them.  We know _______’s past and the obstacles, including her mother, that she has had to overcome to be where she is today–safe and with hope for her future.

_________ just graduated with honors from __________ High School, in spite of her home situation.  She is scheduled to start a technical program at _________ Community College in February.  She is an excellent mom to her 9 month old daughter.

I share these facts with you in hopes that in the future, when a frightened young woman comes into your court room, that you will objectively provide her with the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to deflect the insinuations and dishonest testimony of a woman (even if it is her own mother) protecting an abuser.  Due to the fact that _______ nor I had any experience with family court etiquette, neither of us felt it was appropriate (or that we were given the opportunity) to speak up and correct the errors her mother was sharing on the stand and provide you with these facts.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I do not envy your job and wish you all the best!

Sincerely,

Melissa Smallwood

Just along for the ride…

The Lord foils the plans of the peoples: He thwarts the purposes of the peoples.  But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.  Psalm 33: 10-11

I am pretty sure that God sits in heaven, watches me make my plans and laughs.  Not just a chuckle, but a deep belly guffaw. Yup, He finds my insane desire to “have a plan” hilarious and uses the changing of my plans to grow me on a daily basis.

Allow me to illustrate:

There were several blogging and  writing conferences as well as other trips I wanted {and planned} to attend this year.  Blissdom was fabulous in February and apparently on God’s agenda too.  It has all been downhill since then.

The next was EVO ’10.  I was excited about that one.  Not only because I won a complete site redesign for my organizing site {to be revealed soon} but because the location was beautiful!  Alas, at the very last minute {and have I mentioned that we [recovering] Type A personalities do not deal well with last minute changes?} I had to stay home to deal with an issue with our oldest son.  I was beyond bummed.

But, I had the Savvy Blogging Summit quickly approaching and was totally pumped for that as well.  Not just to soak in the incredible knowledge from the speakers and take my blog/ministry to the next level but to see so many of my online friends in person.  Yeah, you guessed it.  Last minute….middle son gets horrific ankle infection and mama couldn’t go. 

Har-dee-har-har, God!

Then there was She Speaks.  I had the most amazing experiences at She Speaks last year and could not possibly believe that it wouldn’t be God’s will for me to go again this year.  After all, I had my appointment with not one, but two publishing companies confirmed, when I learned that God had other plans.  I really grumbled to God about this but there was a local ministry opportunity that I am so glad I did not miss!  God does know what He is doing.

That brings us to Young Lives camp.  As most of you know I work with pregnant and parenting teen girls as a mentor.  I truly love this ministry and the camp they put on for the girls every year is ah-mazing!  Ever the optimistic one about my physical limitations I was looking forward to attending the week long camp with my girls and seeing the transformation that God has in store for them firsthand.  They left for that camp this morning- without me.

That would be my husband’s fault.  He mentioned to my MS specialist that I was planning to go to a {mostly outdoor} camp experience in August {heat and MS don’t mix} and asked my doctor’s opinion. {I was going to go the route of not mentioning it to the doctor}.  Of course, the doctor said it would NOT be a good idea for me and my husband nixed my plans =( {yeah, yeah..I know he loves me..blah, blah, blah }  I was totally upset about that and felt like I was letting the ministry and my girls down.  But God!  He provided and they are on their way to have a blast and will tell me all about it when they return.

And what will I be doing while they are gone?  Funny you should ask.  I will be going to the one conference I didn’t have any desire to attend {except for the opportunity to see my friends}.  BlogHer ’10 is happening in NYC this weekend and tomorrow I will be on an Amtrak train with my friends going to stay at the Hilton in NYC and having a grand ole time!  I won a ticket from Global Influence {a wonderful network that I write for} and then got lucky enough to be on this #smores #roadtriptoblogher train. 

BlogHer ’09 was not my cup of tea.  Except, again, for forging real life relationships with my online friends.  I know that God obviously has something He wants me to get out of this trip as He so masterfully executed my attendance.  And, how lucky am I that I will be rooming with the fabulousness of @scrappinmichele, @reallifesarah and @carissarogers? 

I think I am going to have a great time, whether this was my plan or not!

Silent Inflammation- Interview with Dr. Sears

Yesterday, I had the privilege to interview Dr. Barry Sears (MD), author of several books including New York Times bestseller, The Zone.   

As someone that lives with autoimmune diseases (multiple sclerosis and systemic lupus), which have been linked to chronic inflammation, I had a lot of questions for the doctor and looked forward to hearing his perspective.  Other common illnesses with a connection to chronic inflammation are diabetes, heart disease and cancer.

I started by thanking Dr. Sears for voicing the theory that the mantra of “eat less, exercise more” does not work for everyone when it comes to weight loss and living a healthier lifestyle.  Instead, Dr. Sears believes that an anti-inflammatory diet is the key to being healthy.

He talked about the cultural attitude that those that are overweight are “morally inferior” when in actuality, in many cases, they are genetically predisposed to carry weight.  Dr. Sears further asserts that “ancient genes” are triggered by the very foods that we are encouraged to eat.

Dr. Sears gave me three steps that everyone can take to reverse the affects of chronic inflammation in their bodies in 30 days.  Yes, three simple steps can reverse a nasty physiological process that can cause serious health issues (SO LISTEN UP).

1. Remove all (omega-6 fatty acids) vegetable oil from your pantry.  Throw them out.  This includes vegetable oil, canola oil, corn oil, margarine, etc.  Substitute olive oil, slivered almonds and guacamole in their place.  (I would add you can substitute applesauce for oil as well, but that is per MultiTasking Mama)
2. Take (omega-3) fish oil every day.  Dr. Sears said our great grandma’s had it right when they recommended a tablespoon a day.  Fish oil has natural anti-inflammatory properties and is an important supplement.
3. Rebalance your diet.  Our diets need to be the correct balance of protein to carbohydrates.  Dr. Sears pointed out that our bodies produce the same insulin response to whole grain carbohydrates as they do refined flours. (I am still sticking with my whole grains but need to work on the balance concept)  When asked how can you know if you have struck the right balance in your diet, Dr. Sears said that if you have no hunger for 4-6 hours after a meal then you have eaten a well balanced meal.

He admits that “it is easier to get people to change religion then to change their diet” but points to the importance of taking what we eat seriously.  Obesity is an epidemic and he attributes this to our love for the “3 P’s- pizza, pasta and pastry”.  We need to educate ourselves on how the food we eat interact with our genes and our hormones.  People need to be on an anti-inflammatory diet for the rest of their lives. 

You can read more about all of this at Dr. Sear’s website and follow him on Twitter. 

I was not compensated for this post.  I was given the opportunity to interview Dr. Sears through the RoleMommy network and was happy to pass the information along to my readers. 

The Energizer Mama

Have you ever wondered how in the world we, as moms, get “it” all done? 

Seriously? 

We are the meal planners, bottle washers, outfit coordinators, Mt. Saint Laundry climbers, boo boo kissers and teachers. 

Add that to the taxi driver, vacuum operator, hygiene enforcer, social calendar keeper and dust bunny catcher section of the resume.

We are the sibling police, home decorators, brownie bakers (at the last minute because our child forgot to tell us they signed us up for 3 batches), home maintenance supervisors and more.

On top of all that, we need to be lovers extraordinaire, the bed time story reader, healer of broken hearts and bruised friendship fixer.

Don’t forget the need to be the hostess with the mostess, the loser of baby weight, toilet bowl scrubber and toy cleaner upper.

Somehow, we also expect ourselves to be the spiritual thermometer, the memory keeper, the vacation planner and the beauty sleeper. 

How do we do this everyday?  What charges a mama’s batteries?

•  One slobbery kiss from a sweet baby
• A picture, colored inside the lines, just for mommy
• A “please” or “thank you” spoken in public without prompting
• Your lap being the treasured sitting place of a special little one
• Watching chubby legs take their first steps
• The moment your child can read the story to you but still wants Mommy to read it
• Walking out the door with a child wearing stripes and polka dots with their snow boots in the middle of July
• Observing big brother *finally* share a toy with little sister
• Everyone at the dinner table eating the same thing and liking it
• 20 minutes to take a quiet shower because all the kids fell asleep at nap time
• Sleeping breath on your neck as you carry in the child that fell asleep in the car
• Little arms wrapped around your leg, feeling safest when protected by you
• The occasional hug or half grin from a grumpy teenager

All the little things energize me to not only stay the course while my children are young, but to enjoy each moment.  They grow so fast! 

I am energized by watching them grow and develop.  I am energized by catching glimpses of the men they will become. And, I am energized by the memories of the babies they once were.

We do “it” all because we love them.  And, we love them because they own pieces of our hearts. 

 To all the Energizer mama’s out there- charge on!

This post was written as part of the Energizer BlogHer ’10 contest, sponsored by Energizer and @kailani.  I have had the pleasure of working with Energizer for conducting product reviews and giveaways in the past and would be honored to represent their brand at BlogHer.

Random Musings

First of all, I am honored to have been nominated for a CEO (Chief Executive Organizer) SocialLuxe blog award (sponspored by Avery) for my organizing blog!  I am so excited and would be ever so grateful if you would click here to vote for me (once daily) through July 12th. 

Next, July is a crazy month for us.  Jason is on a break from school (which makes my days quite a juggling act), we are going out of town for the 4th of July weekend, Mike and I are celebrating our 13th anniversary on the 6th, we are taking our first day trip as an entire family (all three boys) in three years the following weekend, Jared is then leaving for a week of mission camp, then we all go to Florida to visit my family and leave my boys there for two weeks. 

In addition, I am super busy getting ready to launch CWA TV, going to physical therapy for a flare-up, hosting a radio show, running a ministry at church- you know- the everyday stuff =)  Not to mention, I am taking online classes,  I have a local site to manage and an organizing blog and some other stuff I can’t even mention on here.

What is my point?  Posting here at Multi-Tasking Mama may be a little scarce (even though this is my favorite place to write) for the month of July because this multi-tasking mama is little busy!

See you, much more frequently, in August!

Delighting in your kids

The front door burst open yesterday afternoon and before I could even turn my head, he had jumped in front of me.

Fists pumping in the air, legs in a stance I could never replicate, he made an announcement:

I am a freshman!

Yes, my child you are.

You are growing up right before my eyes and your brother is right behind you, nipping at the heels of growing up.

Your excitement is palpable, your confidence intact.

You are a freshman. 

And, today, I choose to enjoy and delight in parenting a freshman rather than being sad about the fact that in four short years you will be fist pumping excited about being a high school graduate.

This post is linked to Tuesdays Unwrapped.

These are a few of my favorite things

My friend and BlogHer buddy, Michele, tagged me for a fun little meme.  I haven’t done one of these in a while but I enjoy talking about what makes me happy.  I am so blessed.  So, to steal @scrappinmichele’s tagline, here is a window to my digital soul.

Ten Things That Make Me Happy

1. Coffee.  Black, flavored, iced, steaming hot.  I am not hard to please as long as I get me some coffee.
2. A good book.  I love a book that grabs me in the first paragraph and keeps my attention to the very end.  Jodi Picoult is one of my favorite fiction authors.  I enjoy non-fiction books that make me think and examine myself as well.
3. Riding on the back of my hubby’s Harley. Although I never thought this would be true, I have come to love our time on the motorcycle.  There is something so romantic about being on the open road, seeing the beautiful creation God has provided us with, all while having my arms around the chest of my studly man. 
4. Technology. I honestly don’t know if I would still be sane if I hadn’t had the ability to vent on a blog, make friends via Twitter and connect with the outside world since my MS diagnosis in early ’08.  The internet has introduced me to some of my dearest friends and continues to be  a source of encouragement daily.
5. {Fur} Babies. Miles, my chihuahua and Chloe, my mini schnauzer are truly my babies.  They curl up with me when I take a nap.  Miles has even licked away my tears when I am having a bad day.  They are always excited to see me when I have been away and love to play.  I truly believe God created pets for our enjoyment and mine make me smile several hundred times a day.
6. Pigs.  Okay, don’t think me crazy but I have an affinity for pigs.  I have (according to my grandmother) since I was a toddler.  I collected pig knick knacks for years and just love to see piglets.  We camped in Lancaster, PA last weekend and the highlight of my trip was a petting zoo with piglets.  I guess that explains why my favorite color is pink?
7. Travel.  I love to travel- anywhere, anytime.  From camping to staying at an awesome resort to a family cruise, I am a travel-a-holic. I love to see, explore, learn and go.  The only requirement is air conditioning
8. Writing.  Writing is so therapeutic for me.  Whether it is writing articles, blogging or putting pen to paper in my journal, writing is my outlet.  What I write is not always happy, but writing makes me happy, if that makes any sense at all.
9. Serving.  Acts of Service is my primary love language so it is also how I tend to demonstrate love to others.  The volunteer work that I do and the ministries I support are so important to me. I find tremendous joy in showing love to others, especially those that feel like they don’t deserve it. 
10. My family.  And this includes my close friends as well. I am incredibly blessed to have special people in my life that love me despite my faults, allow me to be myself and encourage me as I allow the Lord to grow me.  I am married to the man God designed for me and have the privilege of parenting three unique young men.  Time spent with my family is my absolute favorite thing.

What are some things that make you happy?  Have you counted your blessings lately?

In the spirit of this meme, I tag the following and challenge them to name the top ten things that make them happy:

@TeriLynneU, @MutheringHeights and @feelslikehome.

This post is linked to Finer Things Friday.

The Fun House

We (my hubby and I) long ago decided we wanted to be the “go-to” house for our kid’s friends as they grow up.  That way we have our finger on the pulse (so to speak) of what is going on with our kids and the friends that they choose to hang out with.  That was a nice thought, especially when we lived out in the country and none of our neighbors had kids. 

When we moved in December, we moved into a neighborhood.  You know, the kind with other people living there?  My kids had an instant influx of friends because many of the children they attend school with also live in this development.

Our doorbell rings incessantly.

The thump, thump of a dribbling basketball can’t be escaped.

Whoops and hollering over fooz ball games is a frequent sound.

I have to step over a maze of legs and arms to get to the kitchen while the boys are playing Madden on the Playstation.

My bathroom is dirtier times six.

I go through bags of pretzels, popcorn and bottled water like nobody’s business.

But, this is exactly what I envisioned for our house and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I get to know what is on the boys minds about girls, grades, and friendships.  Some of them even end up coming to church with us.

While there are a few downsides, especially the unique odor that multiplies when teen boys are laying in your house, I am thankful that our house is considered the “fun” house and hope it will be for years to come.

Where do your kids hang out?

Please link up your Teen/Tween Thursday post (any post about parenting kids this age) below:

 

Road to Relevant

I started blogging in June of 2008, a few months after my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis and in the midst of a period of being bedridden.  Prior to that I had no concept of what a blog was, let alone the idea that it was something I could do or would grow to love.

My blog grew from something I did for myself to something the Lord does through me.  It has been a humbling experience to write in a way that helps other women and their relationships with God, their spouse, kids and themselves.

I attended my first blogging conference in July 2009.  I went so excited to meet people I interacted with online and (I thought) to learn ways to grow my blog.  I left that conference disheartened, discouraged and not even certain if blogging was for me.

Since then I have attended four other blogging conferences of various sizes and venues.  I have found that the smaller the conference the more connected I feel.  Then I heard about Relevant.  I instantly knew I wanted to go.  The concept is exactly what has been lacking at the other conferences I have attended (even the good ones).  Getting together with like minded women who view the internet as their mission field, while remembering and honoring the fact that our primary mission field is our home.

There have been rough periods of blogging for me as well.  Whenever I lose focus of why I blog and get caught up in blog stats, comments and “measuring up” my writing and my passion for blogging suffer.

I can’t wait to meet so many of my twitter and blogging friends in real life.  And I have no doubt that I will leave Relevant refreshed, inspired and revived.  Can’t wait until October!

God sets the lonely in families…

Many of you know that orphans (and to me this is any child without parents- foster children or orphans in Ethiopia) have always been a passion of mine.

Now, reading Radical, has lit a fire under that passion once again. Reignited the passion of my heart in a way that can’t and won’t burn out.

 Yes, my hubby and I donate to Reece’s Rainbow and Compassion and many other agencies but we want to do more.  We need to do more.

I am spending a lot of time asking God how He would like us to proceed- what should we be doing to help.  Our help will take many different forms over the next few months but today I feel God wanting me to use this platform- my blog- to raise awareness.

The title of this blog post comes straight out of the Word:

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families…Psalm 68: 5-6a

A blogging friend that I had the pleasure of meeting in February recently traveled to Africa with Compassion International.  The posts she wrote from their stirred my heart.  The photos were gripping.  And she was changed. 

There is a verse in Proverbs that says:

Don’t excuse yourself by saying, “Look, we didn’t know.”
      For God understands all hearts, and he sees you.
   He who guards your soul knows you knew.
      He will repay all people as their actions deserve. Proverbs 24:12

How about this version from another translation:

 Rescue the perishing;
   don’t hesitate to step in and help.
If you say, “Hey, that’s none of my business,”
   will that get you off the hook?
Someone is watching you closely, you know—
   Someone not impressed with weak excuses. (The Message)

Those verses pierce my heart.  Because I know it.  I see it. 

The commercials on TV that make me cringe and change the channel.

The blog posts from my friends who have heeded the call to care for the orphan through adoption or mission work.

I will not be able to stand before God and say “but I didn’t know”.  Because I do know.  We all know.

So, what are we called to do about it?

I can’t answer that for you. It is between you and God.  What I can say is that James 1:27 was not written for a select few.  It was written to all who read and believe in God’s Word.  And what He said is this:

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.  James 1:27

The world has polluted us into believing that we aren’t responsible for the 147 million orphans around this world.  For the 26, 000 children that will die today from preventable, treatable conditions. WE ARE RESPONSIBLE!

As my family and I sort through what God wants us to do next, I’m not going to do nothing in the interim.  Wouldn’t the enemy just love that?  Get me riled up, let me feel passionate and then discover how overwhelming the need is and decide to do nothing?  No, that is not the way.  We are mighty warriors that serve the powerful God.  If this is what He sees as pure and faultless, isn’t it obvious that He will provide ways for us to make life better for these hurting people?

Kristen hosted an adoption link-up where families adopting could post their needs and we, as Christians, can help meet those needs.  Here are a few whose heart and creativity really touched me:

Adoption magnets

Custom Clothes

CD’s

Custom Art

Hope Suds

T-shirt (that I love!)

Signs of Faith

And there were more!  Those are just a few of the ways you can make a difference in an orphan’s life.

Then, in a very God ordained sort of way, I read this post from another blog I follow.  Today.  Yes, I don’t believe in coincidences either. 

What are we supposed to do?  I think the answer is actually quite simple.

Do something!

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