Spirituality and Teens- The “churches” job or ours?

My boys love going to youth group at church.  They look forward to it, they are upset if we have to miss (because they have strep throat, for instance) and even tell their friends how much fun they have at church.

I love that they feel this way about going to church on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings. We discuss what they are learning on the way home and I am amazed (and sometimes amused) by what they have taken away from the lesson.

A few weeks ago I found myself a bit frustrated because the boys had gotten in the car for a few groups in a row with nothing concrete to share.  Questions like “what are they doing down there?”, “don’t they have a plan?” came out of my mouth.  Critical, unkind and judgmental words.

Great example, mama.

I was quickly convicted that my words were wrong.  I apologized to the boys and that night I laid praying about my quick tongue (it really gets me in trouble some times).  I was just as quickly convicted that my heart was not in the right place.

My child’s relationship with God is not the churches responsibility or the youth pastors responsibility.  It is my responsibility.

Ouch!

The bible points us to raising a child in the way he/she should go (live by example, get your child comfortable with the Word).  Darn it, there is not a word in there about youth pastors.

While I think that youth pastors have an incredible opportunity to make an impact on teens and tweens, their role by no means alleviates the responsibility to instill values, teaching and a love for the Word in our own children.

Does this make sense?  Do you feel the same way or disagree?  What about kids that aren’t being raised in Christian homes?  Discuss with me in the comments

And~if you have written a post about teens/tweens that you would like to showcase please put the permalink to the post in the MckLinky below.

Fleeting Moments

As my boys grow up (up and up and up) I miss the days when my lap was their favorite seat.  When my hugs and kisses were welcomed.  When I was “the prettiest gwirl” in the world.

But that was then and this is now.  Now, my mere existence makes me the most embarrassing woman on the planet.  And kisses- ha!  Wiped off quicker than chocolate frosting from a doughnut.  Yet, the dogs can lick their face- can someone explain that to me?

Anyway, I digress.  Fridays are about finer things and Friday favorites.

That is why I smile to myself, as I type this post, and my 13 year old son’s head rests on my lap as he sleeps his cold/ear infection away.  I know these moments are fleeting- they are few and far between.

So I will sit here all day if need be and cherish every moment.

Teens and Respect

Thank you all so much for the discussion that we had on last week’s topic.

This week I wanted to focus on respect.  Sunday I picked up the latest issue of Home Life magazine at church (shameless self promotion, I am quoted on page 54).  I also picked up the February issue and it had a very convicting article about the spiritual impact of your child’s disrespect. This article stepped all over my mama toes so I wanted to take a few minutes to discuss the meat of it today.

Here is the line that really stuck with me:

If you aren’t teaching your children to respect you, how can you expect them to respect other authority figures, and most importantly, a holy God?

I have to admit that my children were much more respectful of me (in tone, words and actions) when they were smaller.  I take responsibility for the decline in their respect because I am not nearly as consistent with discipline as I was when they were little.

To be honest, it was easier to discipline them when they were five and six years old.  A time out or sending them to bed early nipped behavior in the bud.  My boys were crushed if I was upset or disappointed in them.

That is simply no longer the case!  Grounding from privileges takes a lot of work to enforce and I often find myself giving in.  And, sometimes it really seems ineffective.  However, this article reminded me of parenting principles I had lost sight of including the fact that delayed obedience is disobedience.

Have any of you ever put off listening to God when He lays something on your heart?  I am guilty of that, for sure.  How will our kids ever understand the importance of following through with what God has in store for them if I don’t expect obedience from them the first time I make a request?

The article had the following tips for children that are resisting respect that I found helpful:

• Ban the use of a favorite technology until you see noticeable improvement in your child’s behavior (at this rate Jared will not get his cell phone back until he’s 30)
• Ask your child to rephrase statements to communicate respect (this would probably work better than getting angry and yelling back, huh?)
• Require your child to apologize to others if she (or he) publically displays disrespectful behavior to you. (This one really struck me as something that would be effective.  Kids this age hate being embarrassed yet we allow them to embarrass us with their behavior)
• Draw up a contract that specifically details your expectations and the consequences.  Have your child sign it (we did this after reading this article!)
• Consider seeing a qualified counselor to get to the root of the problem if your child demonstrates excessive aggression.

Aren’t these great tips?  I really needed to read this article because sometimes everyday my kids tell me I am so much stricter than their friend’s parents (and I start having mama guilt).  This article served to remind me that I am not responsible for parenting their friends.  I will give account to God one day for parenting Jason, Jared and Matt.  Period.  And, I am doing them no favors by not expecting the respect I deserve.

Especially when the result of not teaching them the value of respecting authority could have eternal consequences.

What do you think?  I would love to hear in the comments or feel free to write a post about this or any other topic applicable to Teens/Tweens and add it to the linky below.

Every Other Sunday

Every other Sunday I see….his deep dark eyes, so much like his daddy.  His curly hair that he has obviously put tremendous effort {and hair gel} into staying in position.  I look up to him now.  This mama’s head coming to his chin, the chin that he leaves stray hairs grow on so that people will know he has the ability to grow hair on his chin.  I see a young man, leaving behind the remembrances of boyhood, much like a snake shedding it’s skin.  I see his face frown and his forehead wrinkle when he realizes our time together is over.  I see that same face beam when his dad mentions his upcoming driving lesson.

Every other Sunday I hear…his sometimes deep, sometimes crackling voice tell me about what he has been doing.  I hear animation and excitement when he talks about photography and the future.  His words are articulate and mature, his topics not as much.  I hear regret and resignation when he speaks of the past.  I hear his need to be more independent tempered by his need for structure.  I hear the little boy of yesterday, tugging on my pant legs as this not so little boy says “Mama, did I tell you about xyz?”.  I hear his need for attention and reassurance that he is loved, NO MATTER WHAT.  I hear his tentativeness when he asks how his brothers are doing.

Every other Sunday I smell…that mix of sweat, hair gel, deodorant and toothpaste that only comes from adolescent boys.  It is an odor barely veiled by the extravagant use of cheap cologne.  I smell a boy, trying to be a man…figuring out what attracts others to him and what is offensive.  I smell fabric softener, different from the scent I use at home and it serves as just another reminder that home is where he does not reside.

Every other Sunday I touch…his soft hands, not worn by work or affected by weather.  The hands of an artist.  I touch his sticky hair and put my hand on the small of his back.  I allow myself to squeeze him in, as if I wish I could just envelope him inside me, away from the cares and hurts of the world, during a brief hug.  Sometimes I find my hand cupping his cheek, wanting to count the freckles {or angel kisses} like we used to do when he was little.

Every other Sunday I feel…a compulsion to pretend like the last five years haven’t happened. I feel the desire to take him and run away so that we can be all together as a family again, even though I know that cannot {and should not} be. I feel angry that he did not come to live with us sooner.  I feel protective like a mother bear for her cubs. I feel frustrated that this is how our life has to be.  I feel helpless and sometimes hopeless.

And, then I remember that at least I have every other Sunday to see, to hear, to smell, to touch and to feel what it is to be Jason’s mama.  And I thank God for every other Sunday.

Time Saving Shopping Tips

I am so pleased to be bringing you a guest post from a friend of mine, Aurelia Williams.  I am part of her Journey to Joy blog tour this week.  She is an inspiring and genuine woman and I am proud to know her.  You can find her great insight and tips at her website.

We all have the same 24 hours in a day – no more, no less, yet time is the one precious commodity that everyone has a problem using wisely. However, there are several ways you can make the most of the time you spend shopping so that you can accomplish a lot, yet still manage to have some free time to do things that you enjoy.

Make it a habit to write a daily list of things to do and things you need. Life gets so busy sometimes especially for moms, you will find it most helpful to have those lists handy. Save extra trips to the store by having a list of necessary items in hand. You can also map and plan your time so you can run all your errands at once to help avoid driving back and forth. In addition, try to shop later in the evening or early morning when the stores are less busy. There is no need to waste an hour standing in line when you can do something more productive with that time. Or try shopping online. Nowadays you can purchase just about everything online, including food items.

Plan your meals ahead of time. You can use a blank monthly or weekly calendar to plan your meals for the upcoming week, making it easier to come up with a shopping list based on the meals. Keep your planned meals posted on the refrigerator door so you know what needs to be prepared. Sometimes it may be tempting to stray from the planned meals, but do your best to stick to it – you will save lots of money and time when you do.

If space for groceries is not an issue, plan to shop in bulk. This will allow you to save time because you will not have to run to the grocery store every week or two. You will also save money because buying in bulk costs less in the long run.

Applying the tips mentioned above will definitely help you save time shopping and free up time to enjoy your family a little bit more.

About Aurelia

Aurelia Williams is a certified Life Coach and author of Journey To Joy, a clear-cut step-by-step action guide to help you claim the happiness.

Suffer the little children…

As most of you know I have a passion for parentless children.  Whether that be orphans in Haiti or foster children here in the United States, I believe in the promise of Psalm 68:6 where the Bible says:

God sets the lonely in families…

I love that verse.  If you want to be further inspired about this important topic, my friend Kim is guest posting on @RealLifeSarah’s blog.  You can read her touching story here.

Then read below to see how you can get more information about an organization that finds forever families for children that need them.

Last year AdoptUsKids hosted two adoption chats on Twitter.  As a result, some Twitter users actually made the decision to move forward with the adoption process.

If you missed our earlier events, please join us for a live Twitter party later this month, sponsored by AdoptUsKids. AdoptUsKids is a national project whose role is to recruit and connect foster and adoptive families with waiting children throughout the United States.

Funded by the Children’s Bureau of the Administration for Children and Families, AdoptUsKids hosts a national photo listing website contains photos and information about children in foster care waiting for families to adopt them. You may have seen some of the Public Service Announcements with the message “You don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent.”

Each year the campaign has a specialized target, based on the needs of children in care.  This year’s focus is finding homes for African-American children in care, who make up 31% of the children waiting to be adopted. African-American children are overrepresented in the foster care population relative to their percentage in the U.S. general population. Because of this, African American children often wait longer to be adopted.

To learn more about adopting from foster care and how to help spread the word about children in care waiting for a forever family, please visit AdoptUsKids. To search for children in your area, visit the AdoptUsKids Child Search.

Please join us Tuesday, February 23rd from 2:00 to 3:00 p.m. EST on Twitter for a safe and open informational chat about the benefits of adoption, as well as adoption from foster care with representatives from AdoptUsKids.

To participate, please follow @AdoptUsKids and @resourcefulmom, and use the hashtag #AdoptUsKids. Facebook users may also wish to become a fan of AdoptUsKids on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/AdoptUsKids.

This campaign is brought to you by Global Influence Network.

Of boys and learners permits

I’m not ready for this.

That is what I was thinking as I sat in my (bonus) son’s MDT (multi-disciplinary meeting) yesterday.  The collective decision (which I agree with, I just don’t like) was made that he can get his learner’s permit next month.

My boy is going to drive.  I’m not ready for this.

Let me clarify that he will not be driving in a car that has me as a passenger, observer or anything else.  I should probably be forced to stay indoors with a bottle of valium when I know he is on the road.

My hubby will be his instructor until driver’s ed begins in April.  My sole part of this process (other than taking him to the DMV for the written portion of the test) will be to worry my head off. But will worrying get me anywhere? No.

In addition to the fact that the five year old little boy that let me be his mama after his biological situation didn’t turn out so well is now taller than me, he is also old enough to get behind the wheel of a moving vehicle.

And that brings me to my knees.

LITERALLY.

TO MY KNEES.

Because the only one that can keep Jason safe on the road (and with his first job this summer) and with (God please help me) the appointment with the National Guard recruiter in the spring is my Heavenly Father.

The One who loves my dark haired, special boy more than even I do (which is difficult for this mama to fathom) is watching out for him.

Jason’s life has not been easy (and he hasn’t made it too easy on the rest of us either) so I am so glad that he is finally moving in a positive direction.  He is getting to be a “normal” kid- learner’s permit, first job and senior year plans included.

That he is even at this point is proof that God’s been watching out for him all along.

Jesus, take the wheel!

I’m getting ready to spend even more time on my knees in the coming weeks…right where every mama should be.

Understanding Tweens…is it possible?

I am an all or nothing kind of gal.

The upside:  I am fiercely loyal, totally committed and extremely stubborn determined.

The downside: I am extremely determined stubborn, a tad perfectionistic and  a smidge moody

I was on the downside of my personality lately.  Parenting 12 and 13 year olds every day and a 16 year old from afar has pushed me to (what I thought was) my limit.

I felt like a FAILURE with a capital F.

That doesn’t feel good.  The recovering Type A that I am does not take nicely to the F word.

I finally took these feelings to God (why do I too often make that my last stop?) and he expanded my perspective.

So now, instead of feeling responsible for my child’s bad choices, I’m going to allow natural consequences to occur and let the child feel those ramifications, rather than me. (I do not think for a second this will be easy but with God all things are possible)

Instead of focusing on what I cannot change (my child’s choices) I am going to focus on what I will one day be held accountable for (which is NOT my child’s choices):

My Parenting

I am reading an excellent book called Disconnected, Parenting Teens in a Myspace World.  I am not completely through the book yet but I know there is a reason God led me to pick it up off the book shelf (where it has been collecting dust for quite a few months) and here it is…

In the long run the only question that matters is, “Is who I am, how I live, and how I parent providing my child the very best chance to see and experience the Jesus who died to redeem them?” (pg 31)

Wow!  Let me just say that asking myself this question (several times) each day has already helped me focus on the process of parenting, not the outcome.

God also reminded me that while these circumstances may pain me it is actually good that my children make these type of mistakes while they are still under my daily influence and discipline. None of the choices they have made are the end of the world (by any means) and that my past mistakes (a big stumbling block for me) do not predict my child’s behavior.

God has entrusted my hubby and I with part of the mining process…it is up to Him (and Matt, Jared and Jason) to make them shine like diamonds some day.

I was failing…because I was trying to do this parenting thing in my own strength.  But I have humbled myself and come near to God (James 4) and He has proven faithful in renewing my strength and giving me a new parenting perspective.

*just an FYI: if you click on the link and purchase the book mentioned I will make a small commission as an Amazon affiliate*

Of Love and Snowstorms

Our pastor reminded us Sunday that love is a verb, an action, a choice.  After being trapped snowed in with my family all week I can certainly attest to this fact.

You know you love your testosterone driven hubby and boys when:

• the cries of “doorknob” and subsequent running through (your much smaller than before, mind you) house doesn’t irritate you any more.
• you can tune out the noise of video games playing throughout the house 22 out of the 24 hours in a given day because the blowing snow and blizzard conditions have kept them indoors ALL DAY
• you go to make dinner and realize that the ingredients for the dish (that is on the menu that takes time for you to plan) have been eaten as an experiment for “what tastes good on Ritz crackers” so you just make omelets and move on
• you willingly put snow pants, gloves, hats and a bazillion pairs of socks in the dryer 20 times a day so that the boys can play in the snow (and go in and out and in and out and in and out) as many times a day as they want
• you lovingly prepare hot cocoa with mini marshmallows EVERY time they come in from going in and out and in and out of the snow.
• you put on your snow boots and get out your camera so they can show off igloos, snow tunnels and forts (that all really look the same but who am I to critique snow architecture?) most every time they go in and out and in and out to play in the snow
• you stop cringing when the doorbell rings, knowing that it is the neighborhood kids who will now join your boys in going in and out and in and out which just means more clothes in the dryer and more hot cocoa to serve

I love them, that is for sure, but if school gets canceled tomorrow I may very well lose my mind. 

Contentment and Kids

I realized something this weekend.  My children do not possess a spirit of contentment.

Maybe it’s the catastrophe in Haiti, maybe it is reading the Bible in 90 days, maybe it is observing how my kids handle disappointment…I don’t know.  But, I do know that I am deeply convicted that it needs to change.

To be completely honest, it took a near death experience for me to fully grasp what being content truly means, just as the apostle Paul wrote in Phillipians 4:11-13:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

I want to teach my children the secret spoken of in these passages.  That being content should not depend on whether you get to go to the skating rink with your friends or whether you have the latest video game in your hands the second it is released.

I am mad (adolescents can push my angry buttons quite well), I am sad (that they don’t have a deeper understanding of this concept) but most of all I am determined.

I am determined to go back to the way we used to do things in our house…before we got busy.

Oh, friends, if only we could see how busyness is a tool of the enemy.

When my kids were small, we had a gratitude and prayer journal that we wrote in almost daily.  We would go back at the end of the year and see how God had provided for us and answered our prayers.

I have a prayer journal but do we continue to do this as a family?  No.

Why not?  Because between homework, sports and general busyness, that time has not been a priority.

I have told myself it isn’t that big of a deal.  My kids are good kids.  They go to church, youth group and mission camp.

We can rationalize anything away, can’t we?

My husband and I discussed this  (in the car, the only place we get true privacy LOL) and committed before the Lord that our focus would change from this point on.

We only have a few years of direct influence on these boys.  I want them to leave our home knowing how to be content, no matter the circumstance.  I need to unwrap the secret that I learned, and that the apostle Paul learned, and instill it in my children.  Will you pray for me?

P.S After thinking and praying about this all weekend, I came across a post that confirmed we are on the right track.  You can read it here.

This post is linked to Tuesdays Unwrapped.

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