Marriage Tips for Beginners

Mike and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  Every year we celebrate the fact that we have beat the odds, particularly for how young we were when we got married.  Today Sheila encouraged us to look back and think about what we wish we had known when we first became husband and wife.  By sharing those things the hope is that couples who have not been married for quite as long can benefit from the things we have learned in the trenches of marriage.

Here is my (by no means conclusive or exhaustive) list:

• Love is a verb not a feeling.  I do not always “feel” in love with Mike.  I hope that doesn’t sound mean because it’s not.  Most of the time those feelings have little to do with him and more to do with me.  With how busy I am, where I am in relationship with God, my fatigue level and illness.  Do I always love him?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because love is a decision, a choice, an action.  And I make the choice to love him everyday, the decision to be the best wife I can be every day and look for ways to act out that love (like putting the toilet paper so it rolls over even though I am an under girl)
• Date night is not neglecting your kids. I remember how guilty I felt each time (which was rarely back then) that Mike and I would go out alone.  I would spend the whole time calling home to make sure the kids were okay and when I wasn’t calling home I was talking about the kids.  It was years before I realized (after a marriage conference) that spending alone time with my hubby was vital to the health of our relationship. We began making that time sacred, focusing on us and our relationship, doing fun things together (love riding the motorcycle) and our marriage greatly benefited from it.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  A healthy marriage is actually one of the best things you can do for your children!
• Make sure you are on the same page.  So many of our early arguments could have been completely avoided if we understood where the other was coming from.  We frequently sit down and check in with each other to make sure we are working toward the same goals.  If you don’t understand something your spouse said or it seemed hurtful, double check with them.  I am amazed at the times I have told Mike something he said hurt my feelings and he looks at me like I have horns.  The way he said it or his choice of words was not meant to hurt me.  Huh?  Would’ve never known that if I hadn’t asked.
• In your anger do not sin.  The Bible is your life manual and it gives great advice for what NOT to do when you are angry.  Notice God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, He wired us to have feelings and emotions.  Our mandate is to not let the anger get the best of us and lead us to sin.  To lash back, to say hurtful things, to go to bed fuming about something your spouse did, to give the silent treatment…all of those are red flags that we are letting our anger cause us to sin.

I could go on and on with the things God has revealed to me during the last twelve years.  For more sound advice on marriage visit Wifey Wednesdays.

Did I settle? or did God know just what He was doing?

I haven’t participated in Wifey Wednesday in a while but the topic today struck a chord with me.  And you know what happens when a cord is struck?  I write. (and write and edit and write and so on)

…but it does mean that if you’re not happy in your marriage, perhaps we should stop focusing on whether or not he was the right one to marry, and start focusing on how WE can become the right one?

That is the phrase that struck a chord with me in Sheila’s post.  Mike and I got married young.  I was 18 years old, he was 24.  We already had a lot of grown up baggage (he had a son, I had a son and we had one on the way together, we didn’t know Jesus as our personal Savior, etc) to contend with and neither one of us had a grown up in homes that modeled what healthy marriage looked like.

In the early days of our marriage, I sometimes wondered if I had made a mistake.  We were so different.  We handled conflict different, we approached raising children different, we definitely had different approaches when it came to handling money.  Sometimes our differences seemed to etch a chasm between our hearts and prevent us from connecting and communicating.

We had been married a year and a half when I came to know Christ and two years when Mike accepted Jesus into his heart.  I would like to say that knowing God flipped a switch in our relationship and everything was fantabulous from that moment on….but I would be lying.

I can say, however, that as we grew in our faith and in our knowledge of what God intended marriage to be, we began to work on making our marriage better.  We saw a Christian counselor, we I read books, we attended marriage conferences, we sought sound counsel from older couples.

And our marriage evolved.

I went from days of wondering “why did I marry this guy?” to appreciating how God had wired Mike specifically to be my husband (and realizing that not just anyone could handle being married to this gal).  That appreciation has led to a deeper level of intimacy and a respect for my husband that did not exist in the early days of our marriage.

My encouragement to married couples is to seek to recognize the ways that God designed your spouse to complement your personality and needs.  Once you begin to notice the things that make your spouse right for you, it changes the whole dynamic of your relationship.

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing the man I am meant to be with into my life.  Thank you for helping me see that we complete each other instead of giving up when ever discouraging times came our way.  Thank you for creating someone for me that allows me to be myself, that delights in my successes and is willing to go outside of his comfort zone to grow along side me.  Help us all see your design for marriage and adjust our expectations of our spouse accordingly. ~Amen.

What is this blog for anyway?

I arrived home from Blissdom with a heavy heart.

Mind you, I had a fabulous time (with a capital F) and learned a lot.

I also realized that I had strayed from my passions- the passions that led me to start this blog in the first place almost two years ago.  I have been working on shifting my focus back to sharing life from my heart with my readers.  (All my product reviews, giveaways, professional organizing advice, etc. will be on my professional organizing site starting March 1st.)

I blog about life.

Life as an adoptive mom of a child with severe emotional and behavioral issues, life as a mama of all boys, life as a mama of all tween/teen boys, life as a wife, life with multiple sclerosis and lupus, life as a former foster child, high school drop out turned teen mom who found Jesus and has never been the same since!

I blog about cutting through the clutter of life…the things that distract us from seeing and enjoying the life and purpose God has for us. When I speak at mom’s groups and women’s events, I usually am either sharing my testimony or sharing how to get control of your calendar, manage your time, set realistic goals and priorities and handle money the way God intended.

I’m glad you stopped by if you are here from Kelly’s Korner and invite you to read my About Me page and/or listen to my intro video to learn a little more about me and this here blog ‘o mine.

The Stranger in the Bed

So today, here’s the question I want to ask: have you ever been at a low point in your marriage? How did you turn it around?

It was a Friday in early 2004.

I won’t go into how frustrating a time it was that the school system was unable to deal with a troubled boy, how patient my employer was with my frequent disappearances to handle emergencies, how this situation impacted our other children…

but I will tell you I felt distraught and I felt alone.

Alone?  Why would I feel alone when I had a husband by my side?

Because we were dealing with the implosion of our family in very different ways.

Retreat. Turn inward.  Immerse yourself in work. Minimize the problem.  That was Mike’s way of coping.

Resent. Over-extend.  Immerse  yourself in guilt and shame.  Try to control the problem.  That was my way of coping.

Neither of us were coping in a way that was conducive to our relationship.  We lay in bed at night, backs to each other, both having so much to say and fall asleep to silence.

When we did speak, it was throwing “You don’t do this” and “You should be doing this” statements around instead of leaning into each other for the support both of us desperately needed at the time.

We spoke of the D word.

Then a Pastor reminded us that this situation was not either one of our doing.  That we had become so focused on the problem we had lost sight of part of the solution- coming together and working as a team.

It took getting some time away together, re-focusing on our marriage as a priority, and some good old-fashioned marriage counseling…but we got through it.

By the grace of God we got through a difficult time.  We did not know it then but that period of trial in our marriage was preparing us for far more difficult times ahead.  Times that we would be able to withstand because our focus was back on our team.

Mike+Melissa+God= A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:12

Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum for more Wifey Wednesday posts.

Being pro-active in marriage

Over the spring and summer I watched the marriage of my best friend unravel.

The process has been incredibly difficult to observe for several reasons.   The main reason is because it was unexpected- to me.

M. and I have been best friends since we were in elementary school, we were in each other’s weddings, present for the birth of babies and vacationed together (as families) for years.

So, when the announcement about a divorce was made I was really in shock.  They hadn’t mentioned that was even on the table.

Am I mad at her?  No.  There are plenty of times that Mike and I have been struggling in our marriage that I have not confided in M. (or anyone else for that matter)

But, now I wonder- is that the best strategy? Should we shield our loved ones and friends from the facts of what is going on in our homes and marriages or should we be more open and transparent so that we can benefit from the support and prayers of those that love us?

There is a part of me that has always wanted to keep our marital issues private.  For the purpose of keeping up appearances at times but also not wanting to speak ill of my husband (which I believe is an important bibical mandate).

Yet, watching the aftermath of a divorce that has hit so close to home has made me stop and realize that marriage requires us to be proactive, particularly if our marriages are going to last.

Seeking Godly counsel, asking for prayer, making quality time with your spouse a priority, finding couples that are like minded to spend time with, finding couples that have been married longer that can serve as an example, and learning God’s plan for marriage need to be part of our daily lives.

Divorce is NOT God’s plan.  While I do not say that in judgment of anyone, I feel strongly that those of us that are married need to do all we can to insure we stay that way.

What do you think contributes to a healthy marriage?  Do you think it is important to keep issues private or share with others?

I would love to know your thoughts.

And for other Wifey Wednesday posts, please visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday- What are you made of?

I wasn’t going to post a Wifey Wednesday post today because I had already discussed marriage in Monday’s post (you can read that here)

But, the topic that Sheila has today hit so close to home for me that I felt compelled to write about it:

What Makes A Marriage?

~Sitting by your wife’s side in the hospital, stroking her hair and conveying through your eyes what it would do to you to lose her.

~Biting your tongue and resisting the STRONG urge to say “I told you so” when your hubby doesn’t listen (to God or you) and it ends up costing you $1000 for a new hood on the car.

~Discussing your children with passion and vigor, knowing that you both want the same outcome for them: a strong walk with God.

~Laying in bed while he cuddles the puppy (he said he didn’t want) and talking about what the future could hold.

~Having someone you can tell anything to, share anything with and let the “real” you shine around.

~Going before your Lord together in prayer (no more intimate experience, my friends)

~Laughing at the “quirks” that make your mate special

~Knowing that God created this person to be your 1+1=1 equation.

Marriage is not an opt-out, feel good experience.  Marriage is experiencing the ups AND downs of life together and letting that histroy bind you closer to one another.

Marriage is hard work, it even hurts sometimes.  Dying to self is never easy.

Marriage is awesome and we were designed for the relationship.

Marriage is what you make of it.

Kate + 8 Keep the Faith

I feel like America is rubbernecking at the scene of a a very bad accident.

You want to turn your head (or turn off the TV) but you find yourself drawn to the gruesome sight before you.

Why can I not turn my eyes from this travesty that no one should witness but a family?

Because it hits so close to home!

When my kids and I started watching Jon and Kate +8 years ago, one of the reasons I was drawn to the show was because the parents shared a deep devotion to their faith, my faith.  While we did not have multiple kids in common, we shared a belief system.  Wholesome TV.

Fast forward a few years and it is so obvious that the enemy has had his way with this marriage.  Not that he needed much of a foothold.  Can you imagine the stress of raising eight kids, six of which are sextuplets?  Can you imagine the stress of Dad not having a job when they were born?  Can you imagine the stress of adding cameras and millions of Americans watching your family change? (I am not saying that the Gosselin’s did not have choices in this situation, just attempting to not pass judgement)

Our pastor shared the top ten reasons marriages end this past week.  Which, by the way, over half of marriages end in divorce, even within the church.  Do these sound familiar?

• exhaustion from busyness and over commitment
• selfishness and self centeredness (immaturity)
• spiritual disobedience and rebellion (not listening to God)
• unhealthy conflict resolution
• unrealistic expectations
• addictive behaviors (any behavior can become addictive)
• finances
• physical intimacy issues
• external third party (influences and interferences)
• lack of commitment

Wow, when you put it down on paper like that I am surprised they stayed married as long as they did.

Let this public travesty be a lesson to us all- when you take your eyes off of the Author and Finisher of our faith and He loses His place as first in our lives and first in our marriages, all will not be well.

Let us pray for this family and especially for the children, that the hearts of the parents will be softened and turned back  to relying on God for their provision and strength.

Let us look at our own marriages and if we are going to dole out judgement, let it be on our own situation.  Ask God where the weak spots are in your own relationship and ask Him to strengthen those as only He can.

Wifey Wednesday- Peace Maker?

 

 

Today, Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum brought up the question, does your husband provide you peace? 

In our case the answer is usually yes!  There is no one that can calm me down faster than Mike, and those that know me in real life know that I tend to be a crazy woman little highstrung.  When I am upset about something, from a little thing like not liking a new haircut to a major thing like bad news from the doctor, I automatically reach for my phone and call my hubby.  Good news, bad news or just to get a pick me up, he is the one I want to talk to.  His arms around me can ground me faster than anything else.

I have a close and personal relationship with the Lord!  I go to Him with all these things too.  And I truly believe that he sent Mike into my life to be my peace maker in the flesh.  God made me, He knew my design- tightly wound, compulsive, and He knew the experiences that would shape me and make it difficult for me to trust men and be vulnerable.

God’s design for me was to marry Mike, I wholeheartedly believe that!  One thing that can try to steal my peace quicker than anything else is an argument with my hubby.  Anytime there is distance between us, it is like the ground under my feet is less stable.  Yes, I know God is there and will never leave me but I know why He wants us to deal in love in our human relationships.  Conflict erupts the peace and is contrary to the design God has for my marriage.

I love this meme and am glad Sheila got me thinking about my husband in this light- Mike is a huge peace maker, peace keeper in my life and I am glad for the opportunity to recognize that today. 

Thank you God for bringing this calm, soothing man in to my life!  You always know what your children need.  Amen

In Sickness and in Health

12 years ago today I said “I do”. 

 To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what marriage (healthy marriage) that is would look like for me.  I knew that I loved this guy, more than I had ever allowed myself to love anyone.  I knew that we wanted the same things from life and that he was a great father to my baby and the little one we had on the way.  But, a part of me wasn’t getting my hopes up.  I had seen plenty of disappointment and plenty of betrayal in my eighteen years so a part of me was wondering why I was setting myself up for a world of hurt down the road.

Praise the Lord, he knew what was best for me, even before I did! 

To paraphrase Psalm 113, He raised me from the ash heap and seated me with my prince and settled me in our home as the happy mother of children.

Mike and I have been through many things in our marriage.  The happiest of times and the most difficult of times.  God has given me a man who can handle the storms of life and hold the umbrella over me at the same time.

I love you, my sweet hubby, and thank God for you EVERY day.  Here’s to the next 12 and the 12 after that…

Love you more,

Lissa

 

Wifey Wednesday- what color are your glasses?

Today’s topic for Wifey Wednesdsays is a great one.  What lens do you look at your hubby through?  Sheila, from To Love, Honor and Vacuum mentions the Father lens, the bad relationship lens, the Pathetic Man lens, The He’s Always Right lens, The My kids are my Main Concern right now lens and the Men are Evil University lens.  When I started to think about the lens I viewed my hubby through (and still do when I am in the flesh) I immediately thought of the Kelly Clarkson song, Miss Independent.

See, I grew up in a house with a very domineering and controlling father.  So, I became determined at a very young age that NO ONE was going to tell me what to do, especially not a man.  Whenever Mike made a suggestion of how we should handle a situation (whether he was right or not) I would automatically get defensive and angry.  In the early years of our marriage I would say no to most things Mike suggested just to prove to him (and myself) that I could.

My Miss Independent glasses have been rearing their ugly head again lately as I live with chronic illness.  There are times that I have to rely on my hubby for assistance, have him remind me to do things and depend on him for many things I didn’t in the past.  This is such a struggle for me when I am viewing him through that lens.  When I have on the Miss Independent glasses I see a father rather than a husband, a boss rather than a partner.  I end up resenting Mike for being a good person, because of my old issues.

Thankfully, I have a heavenly Father who transforms me through the renewing of my mind (see Romans 12:2).  Only through Him am I able to take off my Miss Independent glasses and see my hubby through God’s eyes- a devoted and loving husband who takes his marriage vows seriously and loves me more than anyone else on earth.  I like the view from those glasses the best!

                                                                                                                                                        

photo courtesy of fotosearch.com

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