Marriage Tips for Beginners

Mike and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in July.  Every year we celebrate the fact that we have beat the odds, particularly for how young we were when we got married.  Today Sheila encouraged us to look back and think about what we wish we had known when we first became husband and wife.  By sharing those things the hope is that couples who have not been married for quite as long can benefit from the things we have learned in the trenches of marriage.

Here is my (by no means conclusive or exhaustive) list:

• Love is a verb not a feeling.  I do not always “feel” in love with Mike.  I hope that doesn’t sound mean because it’s not.  Most of the time those feelings have little to do with him and more to do with me.  With how busy I am, where I am in relationship with God, my fatigue level and illness.  Do I always love him?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because love is a decision, a choice, an action.  And I make the choice to love him everyday, the decision to be the best wife I can be every day and look for ways to act out that love (like putting the toilet paper so it rolls over even though I am an under girl)
• Date night is not neglecting your kids. I remember how guilty I felt each time (which was rarely back then) that Mike and I would go out alone.  I would spend the whole time calling home to make sure the kids were okay and when I wasn’t calling home I was talking about the kids.  It was years before I realized (after a marriage conference) that spending alone time with my hubby was vital to the health of our relationship. We began making that time sacred, focusing on us and our relationship, doing fun things together (love riding the motorcycle) and our marriage greatly benefited from it.  Let go of the mommy guilt.  A healthy marriage is actually one of the best things you can do for your children!
• Make sure you are on the same page.  So many of our early arguments could have been completely avoided if we understood where the other was coming from.  We frequently sit down and check in with each other to make sure we are working toward the same goals.  If you don’t understand something your spouse said or it seemed hurtful, double check with them.  I am amazed at the times I have told Mike something he said hurt my feelings and he looks at me like I have horns.  The way he said it or his choice of words was not meant to hurt me.  Huh?  Would’ve never known that if I hadn’t asked.
• In your anger do not sin.  The Bible is your life manual and it gives great advice for what NOT to do when you are angry.  Notice God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, He wired us to have feelings and emotions.  Our mandate is to not let the anger get the best of us and lead us to sin.  To lash back, to say hurtful things, to go to bed fuming about something your spouse did, to give the silent treatment…all of those are red flags that we are letting our anger cause us to sin.

I could go on and on with the things God has revealed to me during the last twelve years.  For more sound advice on marriage visit Wifey Wednesdays.

Teens and Respect

Thank you all so much for the discussion that we had on last week’s topic.

This week I wanted to focus on respect.  Sunday I picked up the latest issue of Home Life magazine at church (shameless self promotion, I am quoted on page 54).  I also picked up the February issue and it had a very convicting article about the spiritual impact of your child’s disrespect. This article stepped all over my mama toes so I wanted to take a few minutes to discuss the meat of it today.

Here is the line that really stuck with me:

If you aren’t teaching your children to respect you, how can you expect them to respect other authority figures, and most importantly, a holy God?

I have to admit that my children were much more respectful of me (in tone, words and actions) when they were smaller.  I take responsibility for the decline in their respect because I am not nearly as consistent with discipline as I was when they were little.

To be honest, it was easier to discipline them when they were five and six years old.  A time out or sending them to bed early nipped behavior in the bud.  My boys were crushed if I was upset or disappointed in them.

That is simply no longer the case!  Grounding from privileges takes a lot of work to enforce and I often find myself giving in.  And, sometimes it really seems ineffective.  However, this article reminded me of parenting principles I had lost sight of including the fact that delayed obedience is disobedience.

Have any of you ever put off listening to God when He lays something on your heart?  I am guilty of that, for sure.  How will our kids ever understand the importance of following through with what God has in store for them if I don’t expect obedience from them the first time I make a request?

The article had the following tips for children that are resisting respect that I found helpful:

• Ban the use of a favorite technology until you see noticeable improvement in your child’s behavior (at this rate Jared will not get his cell phone back until he’s 30)
• Ask your child to rephrase statements to communicate respect (this would probably work better than getting angry and yelling back, huh?)
• Require your child to apologize to others if she (or he) publically displays disrespectful behavior to you. (This one really struck me as something that would be effective.  Kids this age hate being embarrassed yet we allow them to embarrass us with their behavior)
• Draw up a contract that specifically details your expectations and the consequences.  Have your child sign it (we did this after reading this article!)
• Consider seeing a qualified counselor to get to the root of the problem if your child demonstrates excessive aggression.

Aren’t these great tips?  I really needed to read this article because sometimes everyday my kids tell me I am so much stricter than their friend’s parents (and I start having mama guilt).  This article served to remind me that I am not responsible for parenting their friends.  I will give account to God one day for parenting Jason, Jared and Matt.  Period.  And, I am doing them no favors by not expecting the respect I deserve.

Especially when the result of not teaching them the value of respecting authority could have eternal consequences.

What do you think?  I would love to hear in the comments or feel free to write a post about this or any other topic applicable to Teens/Tweens and add it to the linky below.

What is this blog for anyway?

I arrived home from Blissdom with a heavy heart.

Mind you, I had a fabulous time (with a capital F) and learned a lot.

I also realized that I had strayed from my passions- the passions that led me to start this blog in the first place almost two years ago.  I have been working on shifting my focus back to sharing life from my heart with my readers.  (All my product reviews, giveaways, professional organizing advice, etc. will be on my professional organizing site starting March 1st.)

I blog about life.

Life as an adoptive mom of a child with severe emotional and behavioral issues, life as a mama of all boys, life as a mama of all tween/teen boys, life as a wife, life with multiple sclerosis and lupus, life as a former foster child, high school drop out turned teen mom who found Jesus and has never been the same since!

I blog about cutting through the clutter of life…the things that distract us from seeing and enjoying the life and purpose God has for us. When I speak at mom’s groups and women’s events, I usually am either sharing my testimony or sharing how to get control of your calendar, manage your time, set realistic goals and priorities and handle money the way God intended.

I’m glad you stopped by if you are here from Kelly’s Korner and invite you to read my About Me page and/or listen to my intro video to learn a little more about me and this here blog ‘o mine.

Invisible Tuesday

Some of you know that I host a MomTV show on Wednesdays (at 1pm EST) called The Invisibles. The show focuses on living well with chronic/invisible illness.  To help my listeners and to educate my readers, I am going to start posting on the same topic that my show will focus on each week on Tuesdays.

Tomorrow’s show topic is Minimizing the Impact of Your Illness on Your Loved Ones.  Here are some tips related to what I share on the show.

• Your family member’s are not stupid, don’t treat them like they are.  Don’t say “I’m fine” if you aren’t.  Trust is an important component of family life.  Don’t become someone your family doesn’t trust.
• Remember that there are things children do not need to know specifics about (including finances and treatments)
• Resist the temptation to downplay your hubby’s headache when everything on your body hurts. Don’t make it a “one up” type of situation.
• If you lash out in anger, forget something important, etc.- apologize.  Don’t apologize for your illness but for your behavior.
• Plan your day so that you are at your best when you are around your family.  If that means taking a nap before they get home, it is worth it.
• Don’t buy in to the lie of the Devil that you are a burden or problem to your family. They love you and need you.
• Reach out.  Don’t shut out.

For all my tips and thoughts on this subject watch the Invisibles tomorrow.

Lessons learned from an overflowing toilet…

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you know that my hubby has been working LOTS of overtime lately.  We miss him but the boys and I have been finding plenty to do to keep us busy.  We have gotten back to school hair cuts, walked the doggies and kept the house spic and span. And, we have learned how to handle an overflowing toilet!

Probably the worst part of this story is that I can’t blame it on my children.  I am the last one that used the toilet.(however, I only went number one- cross my heart! <3)

Anyway, Thursday evening I innocently flushed the toilet and left the bathroom. (Why did I use the boys bathroom you may wonder?  It is closer to the living room and I had to pee.  Will.not.happen.again) Not 30 seconds later, Matt calmly states as he walks by the bathroom “It looks like that toilet is going to overflow”.  At this point in the story I feel it necessary to remind people that Matt is Academy award worthy a tad dramatic.  This led to me not going to check on the situation as quickly as I probably should have.

When I entered the bathroom the toilet water was up to the rim and RISING.  I did the only thing I knew to do and grabbed the plunger from beside the commode. I plunged (is that the word for it?) twice and darn if water didn’t shoot up from the toilet like a geyser, spilling over the sides of the toilet and quickly flooding the floor.

I quickly realized I was out of my element and got the heck out of that room (y’all know what was in that water, right?) and did what any self respecting mama would do- I started screaming. “Get some towels”, I yelled.  “Call your father”, I screeched.  Jared obeyed quicker than Matt (big surprise there) and got Mike on the phone.  Apparently, there is a secret knob behind the toilet that turns off the water.  Who knew?  Jared and I spent a little time arguing about which one of us was going to wade in and duh, I’m the mom Jared ended up going in and turning off the water supply.  By this time Matt had brought me towels.

Here is where the lesson comes in.  I immediately placed towels in the doorway so the disgusting water did not come in contact with the hallway carpet.  Thankfully, Mike got home in the middle of all this and informed me that I needed to be looking in the basement for where water could have leaked.  He was right and there was a puddle forming downstairs (on the cream colored carpet ) from where the water had gone through the vent.  I would have never thought to look.

Isn’t that always the way?  We see what’s right in front of our face.  We are so busy keeping up appearances (worried about the hallway carpet) that we don’t watch out for the more insidious issues (water leaking to the basement). 

~Lord, search me and reveal the “leaking” places in my life.  Help me see and allow You to stop any leaks and ugly overflows.  I don’t want to be blind to the puddle in my basement, God.  ~

Blog Hop- Favorite Picture

As if I could have just one….so my favorite one today is….

Our most recent family picture (2009).  I looooove my guys

Thanks for stopping by! ***</p><img src=”http://www.mcklinky.com/images/MckLinkyBlogHop.jpg” alt=”MckLinky Blog Hop” width=”300″ height=”98″ border=”0″ longdesc=”http://www.brentriggs.com” /><p><a href=”http://www.mcklinky.com/basic_list_blog_hop.asp?id=377″>Click here</a> to enter your link in the blog hop and view the entire list of entered links…</p>

Summer Vacations-mine and yours?

We are back from vacation!  As is typical when you have kids, the boys had a much more relaxing and enjoyable time than I.  As mama’s we have the pre-vacation planning and packing, the continued mothering duties during vacation and then the mountain of dirty laundry and unpacking post-vacation.  I do understand the need to have a vacation from a vacation, but the kids had fun, daggone it

In all seriousness, Mike and I feel very fortunate that we could take our family on vacation this year.  Several guys were laid off from Mike’s company just last week.  The economy has hit many families very hard and “extra’s” like family vacations are often the first things to have to go when money is tight.

There is a movement going on right now to spotlight the importance of time off from work and our hectic schedules and time spent with our loved ones.  Save our Summer Vacation is advocating for the rights of hard working families to take a break from stress, recharge and reconnect with family and friends, have enough space to truly relax and travel in style without breaking the family budget.  You can check out the HomeAway Vacation Rentals and join the movement by visiting HomeAway.  When you sign the petition for this movement, you are entered to win a $10,000 family vacation!!!  Sounds good, huh?

Our vacation cost no way near that and we had a great time.  I can only imagine what kind of destinations you could afford after winning that contest.  Maybe an Alaskan cruise with the whole family? a trip to the Holy Land?  a relaxing week on a private beach?  I could think of many “dream” vacations, how about you?

You can also plan a “stay”cation by staying close to home and relaxing with your family and friends.  Act like a tourist in your local area or region.  Plan day trips.  Camp out in your backyard.  You don’t have to send a lot of money to enjoy some down time with your family.

Do you have summer plans?  Do you have frugal ideas for family vacations?  Please share your stories in the comments!

Focus Friday- Home

Last week, my focus was on my ministry. It was an awesome week where God was really moving in my areas of passion! I wrote three chapters of my book (I have had writer’s block for months!), joined a focus group to continue staying on track with the plan’s God has for me and spent a LOT of time in prayer and study!

I didn’t get to meet with my business partner because I was battling a respiratory infection and then her daughter got sick but we are supposed to get together today!

So, now my focus for next week. There are some major things going on in my family. They are difficult, will create some major changes for my household and will require a lot of attention paid to my kids and hubby. (I am fine, so please don’t worry)
Just pray for my mom and my little sister and I will share more as I can.

My focus will be:
~making any transitions smooth for my kids
~being there to support my mom and sister
~maintaining our family routines as much as possible

That should keep me busy! What will you be focusing on? Join us at Thrifty and Chic Mom for accountability and encouragement!

Laughter Lives at the Smallwood’s

This post is part of “Laughter Lives! Tuesday” on the Riggs Family Blog. Check our their blog to read everyone else’s “Laughter Lives!” posts.

Pretty excited to participate in this blogger fun (and also excuse to publicly humiliate my children)

~I am not one of those that doesn’t use my last name, first name- heck I’ll give you my middle name (oops, I already do) and maiden name if you want. It doesn’t bother me. Hubby and I have talked about the “risks” of being on the internet but since I write for a living and use my full name- it just isn’t an issue for me. However, it is an issue for Jared, our twelve year old.

He has enjoyed the fact that I have become a blogger in the past year. The free stuff to play with while Mama writes reviews, the jokes and funny stories I tell about my blogger friends and the fact that my presence on the laptop provides them the illusion that I am not supervising them as closely (and then they are surprised when I say “get out of the cookie jar” hee, hee).

But, when this sentence left my mouth the other day “Oh, boy- that is gonna be a blog post” his opinion of my blogging did an abrupt about face and the conversation went something like this:
Well first a little background-

**For those of you that don’t follow this blog regularly (and why would that be, pray tell? Jared and I have a running battle about the length of his hair. He thinks it is cool to have enough hair to “flip” when in the presence of his “adoring fans” (his term for the 12 year old females that call my house to speak to MY son and I hang up on). I compromised with him about growing out his hair as long as he agreed to have it trimmed by my hairdresser before our church directory pictures- which he did without a fuss (he did fuss however about the matching outfits I made him and his little brother wear LOL).**

So, this hair length debate has been going on for at least eight months. Last week, we are driving in the car, on the way home from youth group, and I commented to Jared that his hair do was finally growing on me. He did not miss a beat and replied “Really? I was going to ask Dad to cut it this weekend”.

To which I replied- “you little snot, you have been doing this just to torture me”

His reply- “partly”

My reply- “oh,this is gonna be a blog post”

His reply- “you can’t write about me on your blog” (poor misinformed boy)

My reply- “Ummm, yeah I can and hate to break it to you but I already do on a regular basis. You can pretty much thank my readers for your basketball team’s successes this year”

His reply- “Well, that’s just great. Mom, you are so out of touch (can you believe these words of disrespect,sigh!) Don’t you know sexual predators are gonna come looking for me now?”

My reply- “Not if you cut your hair”.

Like I said, no problem finding humor in our house, or car in this case.
Happy Inauguration Day, folks!

Thankful Thursday

Today’s theme for Thankful Thursday is random, you can find more Thankful Thursday posts here.

Psalm 68:4-6
Sing to God, sing praise to His name, extol Him who rides on the clouds-His name is the Lord- and rejoice before Him, A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling, God sets the lonely in families, He leads forth the prisoners with singing: but the rebellious live in a sun scorched land. NIV

~I am so thankful that I have a heavenly Father who has taught me that He is so different than an earthly Father. When you have had bad experiences with an earthly father it is difficult to grasp that your heavenly Father could be any different. It is the only lense you have. But when God takes those scales from your eyes and shows you the unfathomable grace and love available from Him, it is the most amazing gift!
~I praise the Almighty God that circumstance does not determine my joy and peace (although I am thankful this year of difficult circumstance is coming to an end, don’t get me wrong). We serve a God who is not surprised when the Devil attacks and grants us access to peace, joy and hope no matter what arrows are being launched in our direction.
~I am thankful for the women of God, both in my blog world and in real life, that come along side me as a source of encouragement and hold me accountable when I need it. That is the meaning of true Christian community and I am so grateful for that.
~I am thankful for the holidays and the ways that God uses to remind all of us how truly blessed we are!
~I am thankful for my hubby, who works so hard to provide for us and then comes home and is the best husband and father he can be. God has truly provided an excellent earthly role model for our boys on how to be a godly husband, father and man. And,part of that is that when he messes up he apologizes and shows that human side to the boys and how real men acknowledge mistakes and do what they can to correct them. Praise the Lord!
What are you thankful for? Join us at Grace Alone for Thankful Thursday.