Unsatisfactory grades from the lanky boy who can do better.

Cranky moments from a teething and first-time-ear-infection-suffering Sweet Pea.

Breathe In. Breathe Out.

Sanctuary filled with God’s people, lifting up one voice in a cacophony of praise.

Teaching a class about the power of communicating with Elohim through prayer.

Breathe In. Breathe Out.

Deadlines loom, some pass unattended.  Life seems to be quickening the pace, or is it me? Why can’t I keep up?

Breathe In. Breathe Out.

Encouraging email arrives.  Confirmation through a text that God is at work.

Breathe In.  Breathe Out.

Don’t want to waste a single breath on worry, anxiety or doubt.  Don’t want to miss a chance to practice gratitude for the good, the God.

Casting my cares.

Breathing in, breathing out.

Image by Olly F via Flickr

As long as we are holding on to or harboring {unconfessed} sin in our lives, we will never experience the joy of the Lord. ~Pastor Ed Taylor

There is something holding you back from experiencing a clean heart.  From experiencing the fullness of the abundant relationship with God that you were designed for.

It’s you.  It’s me.  It’s that thing we won’t let go of. It is unconfessed sin that is dirtying up our hearts and holding us back from God’s best.

It doesn’t matter what your thing is.  Sin is sin.

It doesn’t matter if you acknowledge it or not.  Sin is sin.

It doesn’t matter if you can rationalize and justify it away.  Sin is sin.

If you are convicted by the Holy Spirit to let go of something and you continue to hold on to it, friends…you are choosing sin over God.

There are plenty of examples in the Bible of unconfessed sin {Adam and Eve, David and I could go on and on}.

The darkness of unconfessed sin spills over to many areas of our lives including our relationship with God, our relationship with others and the effectiveness of our testimony.

Unconfessed sin causes us to pull back from God.  We feel shame, we feel guilt and sometimes, we feel entitled to hold on to that sin because doesn’t He know how hard it is to give that thing up?

Unconfessed sin not only clutters our heart but it causes a cascading domino effect on our spiritual lives.  If we are hiding from God, we spend less time in prayer and less time in His Word.  We are vulnerable to more sin creeping up in our lives.  Kind of like eating one brownie and knowing you blew it for the day, so why not eat the whole plate?  Do you see how the enemy just needs that little foothold?

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. ~Psalm 139:23

Wave your white flag of surrender to Jesus.  He knows about the thing anyway.  He knows our heart and our motives and our struggles.  He alone can give us the strength to let go of the thing that is holding us back.

If you want a clean heart before God, be willing to let go of anything holding you back from right relationship with Him.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ~ I John 1:9

What is the thing in your life holding you back from God’s best?  Ask Him and the Holy Spirit will reveal it to you.

**This is day 19 in the 31 Days to a Clean Heart series.  You can click on the links below to catch up.**

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6/Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Day 12

Day 17

Day 18

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This has been one of those weeks that simulated a roller coaster for my emotions.  Up, down, upside down, shoot back up.

I’m not a roller coaster type of gal.  All of that can leave this mama exhausted in every way possible.

Our weekend was full.  Of learning, of fellowship, of family fun.

The speaker at the retreat we attended was speaking right to my heart and situation. How to hear God, how to really hear what He is saying to me and how He is saying it.  A verse shared that confirmed an exciting realization.

The enemy knows when change is taking place in my heart and attempted to thwart the momentum.  The attempt was momentarily successful but through journaling, tears and prayer I got back on track.

Then, as I already shared, Monday was a super special day for our family.

Life resumed it’s hectic pace with ministry, meetings and physical therapy.  Driving the mom taxi.  More personal attack.  Order Sweet Pea’s birthday cake.  Coffee with a friend.  Typing up information for grants. Texting with teen mama’s.  Planning an upcoming Bible study.  Hurtful backlash from Monday’s announcement.  The thrill of launching my first eBook Bible study.

The high of seeing this sweet baby eating her first birthday cake

Sweet Pea's 1st birthday

The wonder of 19 teen moms attending our first YoungLives club of the school year last night.  The laughter, the games, the hugs {those girls have no idea how privileged they should feel to get to hug me, the non-huggingist woman on the planet}..it was a good-in-an-exhausting-kind-of-way, laugh-till-you-pee-your-pants type of night.

Then there is the discomfort of my past colliding with the present before I feel ready or prepared. And, I can’t say much more than that right now.

Another day of physical therapy {I’m making progress, y’all}, meetings, squeezing in a much needed eyebrow wax and preparing for Sweet Pea’s princess themed birthday bash tomorrow.

I am feeling empty.  Sucked dry like parched ground waiting for rain.

Where are You, God?  I was getting ready to wave my finger in His Almighty face because He felt further and further away as the week progressed.  And, He reminded me, through an image of a toddler climbing up their Daddy’s pant leg, that He was right there.  I was the one that was ebbing away.

I just needed to be willing to scale anything to get to Him.  To not let the distractions of life distract me from Him.  To not let hurt and disappointment keep me away.  To not let good things hold me back from the Best thing.

Living Water flows when we abide in Him.

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers,  but whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.  Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away.  Psalm 1: 1-4

This weekend, I am stepping away from the ebb and flow, from the distractions of this crazy life and delighting myself in time with my Lord, every chance I can make. I am cutting through the clutter in my heart, mind and circumstance.

It is just what this weary mama’s heart and soul needs.

Do you need time with your Lord?

Image by leodelrosa... via Flickr

I am a positive person.  I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength {Romans 8:28, Philippians 4:13}.

But, I have to admit there are days and times that being chronically ill brings me down, way down.

It probably doesn’t help that I have had three surgeries in four months, have been mobility challenged since a fall in March and had to stop taking my MS therapy since my liver wasn’t cooperating back in January.

August has found me bitter most days.  Each day has felt like I am trying to walk in quicksand…I am brought down and frustrated far too easily.  Distractions have been fewer as well since Miss S and Sweet Pea were away at summer camp and my two younger boys were spending time with my grandparents.

Working on the eBook {that I can not wait to share with y’all} I have spent a lot of time in Philippians.  And a verse {that has nothing to do with the eBook} struck a chord in my heart:

For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him,  since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have. ~ Philippians 1: 29-30

Why is it so easy to forget that the hard things, the struggles are gifts too? If I began to list the things God has taught me since I became ill, the miracles He has performed in my life and the lives of those around me- not in spite of my illness but because of it, through it, you would be amazed.

and then this:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ~ Philippians 4:4

Matthew Henry’s Commentary says this about the joy referred to in this verse:

Joy in God is of great consequence in the Christian life; and Christians need to be again and again called to it. It more than outweighs all causes for sorrow. Let their enemies perceive how moderate they were as to outward things, and how composedly they suffered loss and hardships.

Joy “more than outweighs all causes for sorrow.”

How many times do I use fatigue, pain, inability as an excuse to choose defeat rather than joy?  To choose self-pity instead of joy?

Far too often, my friends.

The enemy would like nothing better than to keep me in the bitter pit, cranky and unsettled like the dog days of August.

But, God!

He won’t let me stay there.  He wants me to choose joy.

Always.

God always wants me to choose joy.

Lord,  You have granted me this struggle.  You granted me this struggle with the command to also rejoice.  I have not been good at looking at the situation through the lens of joy this month.  Forgive me and help me sing a new song, one of joy and gratitude to You.  Forgive me for looking away from You and staring at my circumstances.  I rejoice in Your plan, Your sovereignty and Your promises.  ~ Amen.

Has something stolen your joy?  Please leave a comment and I will pray for you!

The imperfections of a man, his frailties, his faults, are just as important as his virtues.  You can’t separate them.  They’re wedded.  ~Henry Miller

I remember well the days that perfectionism consumed my life.

I suppose I came by the desire quite naturally.  A father who demanded more than the best.  Raised by grandparents whose accomplishments lined the walls.  Perpetuating the “family hedge”…that no matter what was truly going on, we put our “best face” forward to the world.

Every mistake I made was punctuated by the fact that I was, yet again, incapable of grasping the elusive perfection that seemed to come so easily for others.

I carried this knee buckling burden into adulthood for many years.  Perfectionism twisted itself into a suffocating need for control at all costs.

The monster of perfectionism almost ruined my marriage.  Almost ruined my family.  Almost ruined my life.

But, God. {my two favorite words of all time}.

He set me free from the need to please, the need to wear masks and the need to have everything just right.

Don’t get me wrong..it was a process that began four years ago and we {God and I} still work on it daily.  I am a recovering-Type-A-perfectionist-control-freak.

Perfectionism is a monster.  It is authored and touted by the father of lies, the devil.

You may see a perfectly coiffed mom, with perfectly behaved children in adorable matching outfits with a perfect marriage and perfect house and perfect vacations.

That is what you would have seen on the outside, looking in to my life for many years.

On the inside, life festered with open wounds that threatened to infect everything.  Secrets ate away at the foundation of our family and faith, like termites feasting on wood.  It was not until I surrendered the desire for perfection and the need to control to the only One that can handle those inside wounds, that life actually let our family breathe.

Anytime I am tempted to retreat to those old, comfortable patterns of dysfunctional behavior, I mutter the word “monster” to myself and heavenward.  God knows what I mean and He and I battle that monster together.

This post is linked to Faith Barista.

He doesn’t know that I know.

He may suspect that I do but he is too afraid of my reaction to mention it.

A part of me enjoys watching him squirm.

A bigger part of me is disappointed in what he is keeping from me and his dad.

An even bigger part of me was feeling self-righteous anger that a child that I raised would have the audacity to be deceptive.

Yes, I felt that way.  Like, who does this kid think he is?  Lying about something?  He knows better…he has been raised better….

Blah..Blah..Blah

Where is the grace in that?  Where is the life lesson being played out?

Since when did I develop spiritual amnesia?  To think that I have set an example of exemplary Christian behavior that any child would be wise to follow is ridiculous.

What about the times I have told him to tell the caller on the other line that “mama is napping right now“?

What about the times I have plastered on my fake smile in his presence and he has heard me say “we are doing great” when we both knew we were anything but great.

What about the times I have said “we don’t need to mention that to dad” and slipped a receipt in my purse with no intention of telling my husband about the purchase and expecting my child to keep silent as well.

I don’t know if or when I will talk to him about what I know.

But,  I do know that I will talk to him and my heavenly Father about the type of example I am setting when it comes to honesty right away!

Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment. Proverbs 12:19

Another blogger friend writes  Teen Talk Tuesday every week.  Her words of wisdom always encourage me in this parenting journey.  I invite you to click on the link and read her post as well.

As I type this from my bed, unable to walk or drive due to a fall {that resulted in a nasty, as yet to be determined completely, knee injury} I realize…

I still haven’t gotten it.

My Type A, fix-what-is-broken, unable-to-set-boundaries self is broken again. The outside taking the hit for the battle that wages inside.

I have time {lots and lots of it} to read through my old prayer journals and realize how truly thick headed I am.  Each time I have been in this place before, I have purposed that I wouldn’t need to be here again.  That I got it.

That I got the need for rest.

The need for balance.

The need to pursue that which God wants me to rather than every good thing that comes my way..the good versus God.

The need to recognize that “no” is a complete sentence.

Life created an “I can do it myself” mentality deep in me that is darn near impossible to shake.  It was a coping mechanism for a young girl being bruised and betrayed by the world.  It is not as useful to the grown-up, learn(ing) to rely on Jesus version of me.

I am drawn, yet again, to my life chapter Isaiah 58.

If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord’s day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob. ~Isaiah 58: 13-14 (NIV) emphasis mine

Can  I be completely honest?  I know the value of a Sabbath, I even blog about it.  But, my head knowledge doesn’t always make it to my heart.  Something happens and I rationalize why problem A is more important than rest.  Why problem C can only be solved by me.  Why problem Z requires immediate attention.

The part I leave out is inquiring of God EVERY time an issue crosses my path.

Not assuming that because the problem is in my path He has ordained me to solve it.

Not assuming that I have all the answers.

Not assuming that He will provide me with energy He didn’t ask me to spend.

Not assuming that I can just push through this one more thing and then time for rest will magically appear.

I have to make time.  I have to honor His way and observe Sabbath, whether it is a whole day or moments here and there.  Sabbath is necessary.  He created us to need down time and quiet time and rest.

So, I am here.  Again.  Praying that this time I let God be all that I need.  That I take time out to be still when I don’t have to.  That I let God heal the parts of me that compulsively need to go, go, go and do, do, do rather than just be.

For some reason, this is a hard lesson for me.  I want to get it.  I really do.

Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

I used to read this verse in a much different way than I do now.  I used to think that the more I read my Bible, the more that I memorized Scripture, the more I prayed, the more likely it would be that God would give me what I wanted, the desires of my heart.

For years {and I do mean years} I begged, prayed and cried for God to give me a daughter.  From the time I was a little girl, I had imagined myself as the mother of an adopted daughter. China was the country on my heart since I was 10 years old.  I knew what her name would be since I was 15.

That was a good desire, right?  For years I did not understand why God would deny me the privilege of parenting a little chubby cheeked girl from China. {yes, I viewed it as God denying me and He is well aware I felt that way}

Then, after this experience in 2008, my understanding of God changed.  And so did my desires, my deepest longings, my heart cry.

I stopped asking for a daughter.  I started asking for God’s will, whatever it was.

About a year and a half later {May 2010}, Mike and I almost adopted a little boy who was going through a disrupted adoption.  He was originally from Ethiopia and I was prepared to be his mama.

I was heartbroken when that fell through.  My prayer journal is full of “what am I supposed to learn from this” and “why??”s.

Right around that same time, my role in a local ministry to teen moms escalated.  We grew from serving 2 girls to 10 {and now 40+}.

And in August 2010, Miss S. needed a place to live.  And a mama.

I didn’t put all of this together until the other night.  We were snow tubing at a local ski resort with 14 of the girls we serve in YoungLives.  My husband laughed and said “Did you ever think God would give you all of these daughters?”

His comment echoed in my mind when I finally crawled in to bed that night.

If we had a little girl from China or if the adoption last summer had gone through, I would have received the desires of MY heart.

But, I would have missed out on the unfathomable joy and fulfillment that comes from aligning my desires with the desire of God for MY heart. We wouldn’t have had the room for Miss S. and Sweet Pea to move into our hearts and lives.  I wouldn’t have the time to give to all the other girls that need my love and attention right now.

Psalm 37:4 means something completely different to me now and I like this explanation much better!

and my counting of gifts continues…

{#141-150}

~brownies with chocolate chips and walnuts

~warm, breezy days in February

~the wind in the trees reminding me of Who created all that is

~Yankee Candle air fresheners for the car

~each and every opportunity I have to serve my Jesus

~moving the laptop to the desk, decreasing the temptation to be on it and increasing the time I spend with my precious family

~good interim reports for 3 out of 4 children

~praising God for modern day medicine

~the sight of my children taking fervent notes at a Wednesday night church service

~seeing my husband also taking fervent notes at a Wednesday night church service

God is good all the time!

What are you thankful for?

I breath faster and the desire to run away, RUN AWAY, is breathing down my neck.

Am I in a dangerous situation?

No.

I sit on my comfy living room sofa, feeling like something heavy sits on my chest and wanting to lace up my running shoes.

photo credit: www.buzzle.com

Life has just hit me this month.  Not in any bad, specific kind of way but the every day stressors that add up and build up and stack up and make my flesh want to call a big time out.  The house full of clutter and teenagers and infants and toddlers and presents and dogs and laundry and the husband and the to-do list and the unexpected company for Christmas.  The finals, the basketball practices, the shopping, the mom-taxi moments that take me away from the house that is full of clutter.  Did I mention the clutter?

And the old stuff…the stuff that you think you have gotten over and let go but the holidays {aka time with extended family} bring old feelings to the surface and your mind begins to have imaginary conversations, like a dress rehearsal, and before you know it you are all worked up about something that hasn’t even happened yet.

It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year came on the radio today and I laughed out loud…a sarcastic, “yeah, right” kind of laugh.

My kids are growing up {in a seemingly too fast but somehow not fast enough at times sort of way}

My ministry is rewarding yet exhausting, fulfilling yet draining, sort of way.

My house {and to be completely transparent my van and car too} are disaster areas.  I should no longer even hint at the fact that I used to own a professional organizing business and would probably be turned down if I wanted to re-up my membership to the professional organizing associations.

My gifts are unwrapped and sitting in a big pile in the middle of my bedroom floor, amongst piles of clothes that need to be folded and put away.

And I lay in bed and pray “Lord, I can’t take one more thing.” Just praying that prayer makes me feel guilty because this month is nothing compared to other times in my life that the Lord and I have walked through.  And, I am laying in bed, asking Him to not give me anything else to handle when He and I both know that I would take anything He wants me to handle and He would give me the grace to handle it.

But, God doesn’t yell at me.  Or shake sense into my stubborn heart.

He says “you don’t have to take anything.  I am here to take it back any time you want to relinquish control”.

And I am so thankful for His grace.  His all consuming grace that does not care what my house looks like, the God who knows and holds the future of my children in His capable hands, who is the only One who can give me the strength to serve young mama’s and their babies.  The only One that can equip me to be the wife He created me to be.

The One who was there all along and knows the hurts of my heart yet can give me His lens, His heart, His grace to make it through the holidays {thanks for the reminder, Sarah Mae}.

The grace that will cover my anxiety with His calm reassurance that all is well and reminds me that I know how the Story ends so I can spend the next few days relaxing in the beauty of the way the Story began because He has everything in between already taken care of.

And my pulse slows down and my breath becomes regular.

And I no longer want to run anywhere but His arms this Christmas.

Step Three: Sacrifice our money for a specific purpose.

Pre-Radical: We have been a family that tithes no matter what since we were baby Christians.  Yet, our concept of giving was not based on sacrifice.  We gave of our excess.  We gave what we thought was generously to causes and people we thought were deserving.  We were prideful, selfish and tight-fisted without even realizing it.

Currently:  Reading Radical and listening to the words of people like Frances Chan, then going back to the Word and realizing we have been wrong about giving and how we view “our” resources, our giving has radically changed.

If we make only ten thousand dollars a year, we are wealthier than 84 percent of the world, and if we make fifty thousand dollars a year, we are wealthier than 99 percent of the world.  Meanwhile, more than a billion people live in desperate poverty, lacking food, water, clothing, and shelter…But what would it look like for you (or your family) to make intentional sacrifices over the next year for the glory of Christ in light of specific, urgent needs in the world? ~ Radical, pgs 194, 195

So, while we would not consider ourselves affluent we are!  We are wealthier than 99 percent of the rest of the world.  We are radically blessed and that leaves us with a responsibility to use that wealth to radically bless others.

What does this look like for us right now?  We prayerfully let go of expenses that are unnecessary..our land line, contact lenses, we decreased eating out to once a week, setting a cap on what we will spend for clothes and shoes, driving our cars longer.  We are supporting ministries that God lays on our heart, like The Mercy House and Young Lives.

Upcoming: We are currently paying on two mortgages {our old house has STILL not sold}.  God has used this year of “tight” finances {which is so relative compared to the financial situations of the poorest among us} to show us that we can live on a lot less than we thought we could.  We look forward to when that house sells and we can commit that mortgage payment amount to sponsoring children through Compassion and supporting other ministries around the world.

Barriers/Obstacles: Let me just be brutally transparent.  We are greedy by nature.  Our flesh desires things and there is a battle waged, sometimes daily, over materialism in our household.  I know that the enemy hates when we live sacrificially in any form and he knows just where to attack each of us.  For me, it is a new laptop or upgrading my smartphone.  For the hubby, it is motorcycle parts.  For our boys, it is video games and the trendiest clothing.  While I am not saying we won’t ever buy a laptop or motorcycle parts or name brand shoes, we won’t be buying those things before May 2011.  That was our commitment to this radical experiment.  It is HARD and Christmas looks different this year.  But the stories of how God has provided through our obedience are amazing and I don’t know that we could ever go back to how we lived before.

Do you think there is a difference between giving and sacrifice?