How long must I wait?

I am battling an anxious heart.

Not over anything major or even specific.

But an unsettled, on-my-way-to-where-I’m-supposed-to-be type of place.

Yet, I don’t even know where I’m supposed to be.

I think I do.  My hubby and I disagree about the route to take.

And, I ask.  How long, God?  How long before you give me the answers to these {important to me} questions.  A glance at the road map, perhaps?  A hint at the mode of transportation you want us to use?  A sliver of the plan you have in mind?

And, God asks.  How long, Melissa?  How long before you humble yourself before me? {Exodus 10:3} How long before you surrender to whatever it is that lies ahead?  How long before you stop needing to know the answers and are content to trust me…how long?

I hold the key to my own captivity. 

He stands at the door and knocks.  I’m the one that wants the itinerary before opening the door. 

Today, I am opening the door anyway.  Resting in the promise of Nahum 1:7

The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust in Him.

Help me trust, God.  Help me delight in the wait.  Help me delight in the not knowing.  Help me delight in You.

 

Back to submitting

I spent a lot of time broken before God (and my hubby) last night and this morning. 

It is a long story but it boils down to my flesh wanting something (really bad), rationalizing why it would be a great thing for me to do (for my blog, for my ministry, for ME, ME, ME), resenting my husband for not supporting it.

Is going to a blogging conference bad? No!  I am going (with my hubby’s blessing and support) to three more this year. But, EVO was not meant to be for me (even though I won a ticket, won a site redesign and had a partial sponsorship).  And, instead of submitting to my husband’s wishes about this two weeks ago, I dug my heels in.  I was stubborn, determined and wasted so much time and energy pursuing something that in the end was for naught.

You see, God knew (and my husband’s spirit was burdened) that something was going to come up last night with our oldest son, Jason.  Not just anyone can deal with the issues that arise with Jason because of his special needs.  He needs me this weekend.  Mike is going to be away on a father-son campout all weekend with Jared and Matt.

  If I had been on a plane tomorrow and then found out that Jason would need me this weekend- what would I have done then?

My hubby loves me enough not to have said “I told you so” last night as I cried.  Why would I ever doubt my husband’s authority?  Why would I let my stubborn flesh interfere with being present to hear God?  Why would I have been happy to get on a plane to go thousands of miles away from my family when one of them needs me?

No, I am not going to continue to beat myself up.  I know there is no condemnation in Christ.  And, I am still looking forward to going to the other conferences on my schedule, Lord willing.

But, I am going to repent of my clouded judgment and once again, daily, minute by minute, submit to the wisdom of my husband and my God.

Why do you think this is so hard?  Or is it just me?

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday.  You can also join me each Monday for Holy Housewives, a book club where we read books about biblical womanhood and discuss how we feel and what we learn.

Moving past your past

Since I was pregnant when my {now} husband and I met, you would think that we would both have been comfortable about each other’s sexual past when we got married. 

You would think wrong.

He had a difficult time knowing that I had been promiscuous since a young age and I had a difficult time knowing that he hadn’t. I had a difficult time not experiencing shame and remorse.  He had a difficult time trusting that I wasn’t going to be unfaithful.

We had a difficult time.

Thankfully, Jesus entered the picture and our marriage less than a year after our vows.  Verses like Romans 8:1 patched up broken places in my heart with the life giving cement of forgiveness.  The entire book of Hosea helped my hubby realize that God planned for Mike to play a role in His pursuit of my heart.  God knew it would take a strong, loyal and patient man like my husband for me to ever be able to make love. 

As we discovered God’s design for marriage, we also discovered how the enemy seeks to insert evil {sexual abuse, pre-marital sex, pornography, etc} into a holy picture.

We discovered that God’s love and our love for each other really does cover a multitude of sins {I Peter4:8}.

We discovered that God doesn’t waste hurt and pain and while He remembers our sins no more, He allows us to remember the experience so that we can share our testimony with others.  To bring Him glory and to comfort each other {II Corinthians 1:3-7}- what a beautiful way to turn ashes into beauty {Isaiah 61:3}.

We discovered that sex, within marriage, can be a beautiful thing.  Once I allowed God to bind up my wounds and Mike allowed God to soothe his fears {Isaiah 61:1}, we were free to experience the sacredness of our most intimate times.

And freedom is what God wants for all of us {Galatians 5:1}.  That is why I can tell my children, with no reservations, that waiting for marriage is the right, the good, the God thing to do.  It is also why I can tell the teen moms that I work with that purity can start again, that just because you give something sacred away doesn’t mean it cannot be redeemed. 

Christ came to set us free…and I am free indeed.

This post is linked to Wifey Wednesdays and Walk with Him Wednesday.

Radically Changed

She was pretty.

She was fast.

She was fun.

She was purple (Tungsten grey to be exact).

She was an impulsive, reckless choice.

She was part of my American dream.

I really thought I had arrived, way back in May 2006, when the hubby and I purchased my pretty, fast, fun and purple Mustang with racing stripes.  I was rapidly climbing the corporate ladder and drowning out the call of the Holy Spirit by working harder, spending harder and “accomplishing” as much as I possibly could.

It took a while but the Holy Spirit won.  Through the dark valleys of 2007 and 2008 and the roller coaster of following God’s lead in 2009, He won.  I am so glad He did. 

But, to be completely honest, I often find myself mentioning how much I miss my car.

And after reading chapter one of Radical (Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream) as a family last night, it literally sickens me to admit that.  But, I need to. 

We need to.

I need to have the courage to admit to myself and to the world that our culture has watered down the gospel.  That Jesus did not say the American dream was His dream.  We have allowed ourselves to spin the Bible in a way that is comfortable to us yet despicable to Christ.

My family and I had tears in our eyes realizing the many ways we have bought into commercialized Christianity. We are actually looking forward (in a painful sort of way) to the ways that chapter 2 and beyond will stretch and grow us.  I want the promise of eternal satisfaction to be enough for me.

God has been growing our family to take in these words.  We see that now.  It may not be comfortable, we may not understand or even like the doors it opens but we see.  We are being radically changed by taking another look at what Jesus meant when He said “follow me”.  (Matthew 4:19).  I am not going to settle for a token donation to a face on my refrigerator every month.  I am going to learn to forsake, to follow, to surrender ALL. 

All to the One that came to die for me.  All to the One that bids me “come and die”.

I am trading my American dream in for a fishing pole.  Join me?

Adoption is forever…

I have never wanted to write this post.  It is very personal and private.  Some of it is not my story to tell so pardon me if I am vague in some areas.  But, this event, this ugly thing that has happened that has affected the world’s view of adoption needs to be corrected. 

Today is the day that we (adoptive parents everywhere) are speaking the truth about our adoption experiences (the good, the bad and the ugly) in the hopes that people everywhere understand that while adoption may not be easy it is FOREVER.

Here is my story:

As most of you know my oldest son is adopted (by me, he is my husband’s biological son).  I met Jason when he was about to turn three.  Having been through a lot in my own childhood I immediately recognized that Jason wasn’t growing up in a good environment.  He called me “mom” just because I was his daddy’s girlfriend.

The next time I saw him (a few months later) he was jumpy and afraid of the dark.  He wet the bed.  Lots of red flags.  He lived over 1000 miles away so keeping an eye on the situation proved difficult.

In 1997, when Jason was four we received a phone call in the middle of the night from a neighbor of his bio mom’s.  She had searched information for our number, only knowing my husband’s last name.  I won’t go into the details of that call here but the next day began our quest to get custody of Jason.  After almost two years, thousands of dollars in legal fees, thousands of miles back and forth from Iowa to West Virginia and two more years of abuse and neglect, we succeeded.  We were awarded full custody of Jason in March 1999.  After abuse and neglect continued during visitations between Jason and his bio mom, her parental rights were terminated and I adopted Jason as my own in September 2000.

When a child experiences bonding issues with their bio mom, are exposed to unmentionable abuse and neglect the scars run deep.  And those scars cause them to lash out.  Particularly to the person that represents the person that hurt them.  In this case- me.  Jason was hurt by his bio mom in so many ways and then I became his mom. 

I love Jason because he is part of my husband.  I love him because he is my son.  But I also love him because I understand.  I know what it is to be hurt by the person that is supposed to care for you more than anything.

So I took it.  Punches, kicks, hair pulling, bruises, name calling (so sad to me that he even knew those words).  I excused it, hid it and took it.

Because there were also hugs, kisses, special moments when it seemed he would be okay.  We did everything “right”- therapy, IEP’s and love, lots of love.  We learned how to restrain a child when he was raging, but even when he was eight and nine I wasn’t physically strong enough.  Only my husband could.  And he worked…a lot.

Jason didn’t just have a problem with authority at home.  It translated everywhere…school, church, public places.  We began to not be able to go anywhere as a family.  Mike would have to stay home with Jason and the other boys and I would go or vice versa.  We became isolated, lost friends and our family started to splinter.

He would run away from school, hit his teacher’s and hurt other students.  His anger was palpable and his hurt ran so deep.  The courts intervened in 2004.  Our eleven year old son had a probation officer.  If he messed up at school, hurt me or hurt his brothers he would be taken away.  Kind of setting him up to fail.

And in December 2004, Jason was taken from us.  He was deemed to be a danger to himself and others and placed in a residential facility for troubled children. 

I felt like the life had been sucked out of me.  We just wanted him to be okay.  His placement was 3 hours away from our home.  Our weekends became road trips.  Labels were given: conduct disorder, attachment disorder, PTSD.

In June of 2007 our lives were turned completely upside down. Jason was about to come home from residential treatment and the judge that had originally ordered him there had requested an evaluation by several different types of therapists before he would sign the final order.  One of those therapists was a juvenile sex offender treatment therapist. {Jason had displayed sexual acting out behaviors since he was very little}

The findings of her evaluation changed our lives forever.  Jason disclosed things that not only made the judge rule that Jason could not return home but that he could also have no contact with his brothers, our other children.

The judge ordered Jason to a sex offender treatment program (three hours from our home).  Jason was there for over a year.  It was like a prison.  All the kids wore the same clothes, same shoes, bars on the windows.  We could only visit him once a month and it had to be in a room with all the other kids visiting their loved ones and we could only hug him when we left.  It was the worst year of my life (and that is saying a lot considering the things I have been through)

Jason is not allowed to have any contact with Jared and Matthew  by court order.  It is heartbreaking to try to be a mom to brothers who are forbidden to see each other.  When Mike and I visit Jason on the weekends (he is closer now so we get to see him weekly) we have to leave Jared and Matt behind. When we talk to him on the phone we have to go in another room. Family holidays, birthdays- it has just thrown our whole family a curveball we could have never expected. 

We get through, by the grace of God.  We are defining what family looks like when we can’t all be under the same roof.  Jason is doing well at his boarding school and is even getting his permit and a job this summer.  But, his life has not been easy.  He struggles under the constant weight of his early childhood.

If you have stuck with this post so far, you should know that I would never abandon Jason. And it is not because he is related to my husband by blood.

 No matter what happened, he is my son. I made that choice from the day we began the custody process and stood before a judge and agreed to be his mama as if I had given birth to him myself.

And, although our road has been far from what I envisioned it to be eleven years ago, I consider it a privilege to be his mama.

Every placement that Jason has had, every counselor, every social worker has commented on my commitment to him.  How many people have walked away (from children they gave birth to) over much less.  When you know what it means to be abandoned it strengthens your resolve to never let a child you know feel that way again.

Adoption is God’s plan. Period. End of story.  What if God decided that we were too much?  Too sinful?  Too violent?  Made too many mistakes?  How many of us would be worthy of salvation?  Of Him being our Heavenly Father?

Not.one.of.us. 

Thank God adoption is forever!

(I am sorry for the length of this post but I had to share my heart on this.  While I have been as vague as possible I would ask that if you know my family in person you not discuss the details in this post with my children.  It is obviously a very sensitive and difficult situation for our family.)

I want a map!

Life is a highway.  Maybe in the song, but the Christian life is more like a back road to me. And I struggle to drive on the back roads. 

See, a  highway provides you with mile markers, to let you know how far you’ve come and how far you have to go.

  A highway has exits that help you reach your destination. 

A highway has passing lanes to avoid those cars that are slowing you down and shoulders to pull off when there is a heavy rain.

When there is a detour on the highway or a busy road, there will often be a truck with flashing lights to guide you through to the end.

There is a sign on Interstate 70W in Maryland that tells you how many miles it is to get to far off places, like Colorado.  I always smile when we drive past that sign.  I like knowing where I am headed, what sits off in the distance, what is attainable, what I’m driving towards.

When you are a follower of Jesus, life is not a highway. There aren’t clearly delineated lanes.  There aren’t big exit signs to say “get off here”.  Making a u-turn requires skill and sometimes scrapes some paint off your pretty car.

On the backroad you can expect trees to just fall in the middle of the road. You won’t always have a cell phone signal so help can seem a long ways off.  If there is an accident up ahead that you can’t see, you just have to sit and spend some time in traffic. Ugh, I detest traffic.

My natural tendency is to want to jump on the highway, even just for a minute.  I can drive so much faster and reach so many more places.  Right?

Wrong!  Jesus doesn’t care how fast I drive or how many places I visit.  He cares about whether or not I am letting Him drive and He prefers the scenic route.

I’m not the only one that struggles with this.  Back when Jesus was with his disciples, THomas said to him:

Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way? John 14:5

Letting God drive doesn’t mean He will hand you the AAA trip ticker (man, I love those).  It means that no matter what route you are on, He will get you where He wants you to be.

My flesh really wants a map today.  My heart knows the map is far better off in the hand’s of the One that wrote it.

Who’s driving your car?

 

Photo Courtesy of:

quickandsimple.com

American Idol and Jesus

Confession Time:  I love American Idol.  I have watched every season, have been to two of the tour concerts and have been known to enjoy Simon’s snarky commentary. *gasp*

This season I have two favorite contestants- Crystal Bowersox and Big Mike.  As a musician myself (I sing, play the piano and the flute) I watch American Idol for the talent competition and those two are (by far) the most talented this season.

So, last night was traumatic for me.  Big Mike in the bottom two?  Big Mike in danger of being sent home?

And then the judges (literally) saved the season for me. They unanimously voted to use their ONE save of the season to keep Big Mike on the show.

I exhaled.

All was right with my reality TV world again.

Then, as I often do, I lay in bed praying myself to sleep.  And the thought that drifted into my consciousness made me sit upright in bed and write in my journal. (This often happens too)

What if salvation was a popularity contest?

What if our eternal destiny was dependent on how well we performed?

What if our fate lay in the hands of subjective strangers?

Why do we treat life as if the above are true so much of the time?

I know that I am guilty of having changed the way I do things to please others.

I know that I have placed my faith in accomplishment and fallen prey to selfish ambition (way too many times).

I know that I have put my trust in “industry” leaders, like pastors, teachers and the like, to rescue me and give me the answers, rather than relying on the only Judge’s opinion that truly matters.

By grace.  Not luck.  Not talent.  Not votes.  Not judgment by others.  Not popularity contests.   By grace.

So too, at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. ⁶And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.  Romans 11:5-6

Thank goodness we serve a God of second (and three hundredth) chances.  If we didn’t I would have been kicked off this stage a long time ago.  How about you?

Holy Week- Maundy Thursday

This was such a special night.  A night when Jesus provided his disciples (present and future) with beautiful promises for those that choose to serve Him.

The Lord gave them a new command that night (and it still holds true for us today).

A new command I give you.  Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.  John 13:34-35

I struggle sometimes in my friendships with other believers (other disciples of Jesus). We can really be hard on each other. Amen?

As Christian women we certainly don’t set the best of examples for others when we publically debate over theology, judge one another for our actions without being aware of someone’s complete situation, put our “best” face forward instead of being stripped bare before others as was demonstrated on this Holy Thursday so many years ago.

I write this, not in a spirit of condemnation because I too am guilty of this, but in a spirit of desire: desiring to follow after the command that Jesus left the night before He carried our sins to the cross.

Jesus kept talking that night and would repeat His words about loving one another.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends….This is my command: Love each other.  John 15: 12-13, 17

A great way to lay down our life, our flesh for our friends is to crucify the need to be right.

The need to have the last word.  The need to be vindicated.  The need to be acknowledged.

Today, I am asking my God to bring to my remembrance times that I have not put loving my friends, my sisters in Christ ahead of my own wants, desires and needs.

Wash me, Lord, of selfish ambition, pride, haughtiness, sinful anger.  Let me see others through your merciful and tender eyes. Help me be the friend you want me to be, demonstrating your love to everyone I come in contact with.  Give me the courage to say I am sorry when I miss the mark and the tenacity to carry on.  Through your strength Jesus, only through your strength.  Wash me, Lord.  Thank you for being the example of what true relationships should look like.  I am in awe of your glory. ~Amen.

If anything I have written or said on this site has caused any of you to stumble, hurt you or affected you negatively in any way I take this time to humbly ask for your forgiveness.  Let us spur one another on toward doing good and abiding in Jesus and his sacrificial love for us.

Fatigue, Frustration and Faith

I am tired.

The kind of tired that you feel in your bone marrow.  The kind of tired that no one understands if they do not have chronic illness.  The kind of tired that isn’t phased by a three hour nap.

I have a tendency to push myself.  Goes back to the whole recovering Type A, over achieving, perfection seeking sinner that I am in the flesh.  Frustration creeps in, its sneaky, sticky fingers wrapping around my thoughts.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. {Psalm 38:9-10}

Hot tears of irritation burn my eyes.  I don’t want to be so tired. I don’t want to be sick.  I don’t want to live like this.

Not because I feel like I deserve better. Not because I think it’s unfair. But because I could do and accomplish and help so much more if…

And, I come full circle in this cycle of fatigue, frustration and faith.

For here is the truth:

My desire to “do” for God is unnecessary.  A burden I place on myself.  For what God wants is me.  And, time and time again I prove that the only way to reach me is to slow me down.  So He does.  And, eventually I yield to His desire for me to just be.

Not do.  Not accomplish.  Not help.

Just be.

Be still and know that I am God. {Psalm 46:10}

Today, I am unwrapping the gift that is multiple sclerosis and systemic lupus.  The gift of chronic fatigue that forces allows me moments to just be with my God.

This post is linked here.

Feeling Loved

I came across this old blog post of mine (circa 1/6/09) from a blog I don’t have anymore and thought the post beared repeating.

Sometimes the biggest obstacle to me feeling loved is ME.

I’m a smart gal.  I know intellectually that God loves me, all my sins have been forgiven and have even been cast into the sea of forgetfulness- wait.  That’s the problem. 

I need a sea of forgetfulness for myself.

Do you ever do that?  Beat yourself up for things you did, mistakes you made a looong time ago that really bear no resemblance to the choices you make today?

I can’t be the only one…

In my teenage years I was a rebellious, bitter girl.  I had every “right” to be angry, according to the world.

Thankfully God got ahold of me when I was 19 and I have been His ever since.  Yet all this time later (11 years for those that are counting) I can still get caught up in the self doubt and self judgement of those things that I did then.

Shame can creep up on me and hinder me from pursuing something I feel God calling me to do.  That shame can render me stagnant. 

Which, I believe, is the enemy’s plan.

The reason we don’t forget the things that have happened in our lives is that we are meant to use our experiences for good (or allow God to).  We are to mentor and encourage otheres who may be going through similar trials.

But, the enemy is there to whisper in your ear “you can’t be a credible witness”, “people wouldn’t like you if they knew XYZ”..

The great thing about our Savior is that He gave us the prescription for curing this problem right in His word. 

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he (or she) is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.  II Corinthians 5:17

So, friend, when you are having trouble accepting the love of Christ into your life and feeling like the cherished child of God that you are, turn off those old scripts from the enemy and replace them with the love, grace and mercy our Heavenly Father longs to lavish on you.

 

Next Page »