I want to reflect on Advent every night with our boys.  I need to communicate His story through the way I live my life.

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I want to make it to the practices and sing at our Christmas Eve service at church.  I need to praise Him in the everyday moments, not just the special occasions.

I want to put all the laundry {that is literally crawling to the ceiling in my bedroom} away.  I need to rest.

I want to make all the hurt in the world go away.  I need to recognize my limits.

I want to write eloquent and touching blog posts.  I need to write the articles I have committed to before the deadlines.

I want to enjoy the holiday season.  I need to enjoy every season.

I want to mail my Christmas cards {and cheesy Christmas letter} before New Year’s.  I need to pick up the phone and call my loved ones.

I want to sleep without pain.  I need to slow down so my body can too.

I want to want less.  I need to want More.

{this post is linked to Life Unmasked at Joy’s blog}

Utter, complete dependence on God. {Psalm 70:5}

The finite nature of our life.  {James 4:14}

How our bodies are designed to need true Sabbath rest.  {Isaiah 58:13-14}

That everyone has a thorn in their flesh, mine happens to be dressed up as lupus.  {II Corinthians 12:7}

Knowing all of these things doesn’t make the excruciating pain go away.  It doesn’t remove the bone deep fatigue that plagues my day.  Knowing doesn’t help me remember appointments or be less distracted.

But, knowing helps me maintain perspective.{Colossians 3:2}

And being grateful for the everyday little things {like the opportunity to sneak in a nap} and the miracles {I’m still alive} keep me focused on what is truly important.

Seeing the good can be hard through the dark lens of illness.  It requires a conscious effort to look for the positive and maintaining a connection to the Vine.

I had the privilege of being interviewed on the Family Health Matters radio show about living “Chronically Well” today. You can listen below:

This post is linked here:

Image by Joe Shlabotnik via Flickr

Life is wearing me out.  Plain and simple.

Good things.

Bad things.

Happy things.

Sad things.

All things sapping me of energy {physical, emotional and spiritual}.

This sets up the perfect storm for a cluttered heart.

Sometimes, our hearts need rest, just like our bodies.

Sometimes you need a day in your pajamas, with your Bible and a hot cup of tea.

Sometimes you need a day with the windows open and your favorite blanket tucked around your legs.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.  Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. ~Psalm 62:5-6

Sometimes you need to put knees to ground and lay prostrate before God.

Sometimes rest only comes when we have emptied ourselves to the point that the only One that can fill us back up is the One with the Living Water.

I need rest.  My heart needs rest.

Does yours?

*This is day eight in the 31 Days to a Clean Heart series.  You can read post 1, post 2, post 3, post 4, post 5, post 6/post 7 by clicking on the links*

Image by Noel C. Hankamer via Flickr

Crisp, cool air.

Leaves on the trees hint brilliance and the stroke of the Artist’s hand.

Flavors and aromas, cinnamon and pumpkin, entice my soul.

Fall is my favorite time of year.

There is something about the air, the scenery, the smell and taste of autumn that propels me forward from the dog days of summer to whatever God has in store next.

This spring and summer have been particularly challenging.  I have lost my focus and sense of direction.  God has been stirring my heart towards clarity and I have been fighting it.  Because sometimes clarity brings change.  Change often means letting things go or {heaven forbid} saying no to good things to make room for God’s best.

Walking in faith is an ever changing journey.  With seasons, much like autumn and spring, winter and summer, God takes us through paths of refreshment, desolate times and seasons of rebirth in order to grow us in relationship with Himself.

I feel a change brewing, simmering like hot apple cider on the stove.  As I ask God to increase my desire for Him and decrease my desire for other things, I teeter between excitement and tentative fear of the unknown.  Surrendering access to places and strongholds I wasn’t even aware I had {until recently} makes my deep seated need for control rear its ugly {and evil} head.

Isn’t it peculiar how I can think I have completely given an area to God until He reveals that secret door I had swallowed the key to and forgotten about?

As I look forward to my favorite season I also look forward to the work He is doing in my heart, with anticipation {of the good and bad variety}.

“let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.  Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” ~Hebrews 10: 21-23

He, in His perfect timing, perfect grace, perfect will, already knows what lies ahead.  So, I hold to the hope I profess as He prunes and grows my heart.

Your blog was one of the first I happened upon when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2008.  Posts like this one helped me climb out of my own pity party and realize that illness was best handled by focusing on the living.  You gave me that gift with your words, words that probably stole precious energy as you wrote them.

When I almost died in September of that same year I discovered the same peace that you so elegantly exhibit.  The peace that is found in knowing that these momentary circumstances are preparing us for an eternal glory.  An eternal glory that you are close to viewing firsthand.

When I was later diagnosed with lupus, I went back to your blog for encouragement and wisdom.

And, I chose joy for a while.

Then I ended up spending most of the late spring and early summer of this year in bed, because of my chronic illness{es}.  I stopped choosing joy and started choosing the pity party.  And a post that you wrote {back in 2009} kept echoing in my mind.  I read it over and over.  Here is a quote from that post:

“I choose the joy. When something is going badly and I’m dwelling on it, I think instead of something for which I am grateful. I swear to you, it’s as simple as that. You just have to decide today, and again tomorrow. And before you know it, you’ll have an attitude of joy more than any other attitude you have at your disposal.” ~Sara Frankl

So, I began to choose the joy again.  It is easy for me to forget how sometimes.  Thankfully, I have your words to help me get back on track.

We have never met in person and never will this side of heaven.  But girl when I get up there, we are going to be best buds!  You go get a head start on the no pain, perfect body thing.  You deserve it.

We will be okay.  We have your words.  We have your heart-filled, joy-choosing words.

Thank you, sweet sister.  May you find rest in the arms of Jesus.

To read more posts dedicated to a woman who has forever changed lives, including mine, please visit Jessica’s blog.

1.  Invisible illness is isolating. Let’s face it, people get tired of hearing about your “aches and pains”, tired of having you cancel at the last minute because you suddenly feel like you’ve been hit by a truck, etc.  At least, I think they get tired of it so I withdraw, not wanting to be a bother.  Loneliness is a frequent companion.

2.  Invisible illness is unpredictable. I can go to bed feeling fine and wake up, unable to get out of the same bed.  For a Type A planning person like me, this is the bane of my existence.

3.  Invisible illness makes you stronger.  I have found an inner strength I didn’t know I possessed.  The strength to keep going no matter how tired, the strength to be there for my kids regardless of how I feel, the strength to invest energy I don’t have in my marriage, the strength to be myself and to love who I am.  I know that God allowed this in my life for a reason and the strength that I possess comes from Him directly.  This doesn’t mean I am always strong!  Please understand that.  But the bad days are bearable because I know {that I know that I know} this is just my earthly circumstance.

4.  Invisible illness is not your fault.  For the longest time, I searched for the reason for my illness{es}.  Was I eating the wrong thing?  Handling stress the wrong way?  Exposed to toxins?  Don’t get me wrong, those are all important things but NOTHING I did {or you have done} or didn’t do, made me sick.  We live in a fallen world where illness and pain abound.  However, how I handle my illness is up to me.

5.  When dealing with invisible illness, you will find {and need} your faith.  There are studies that show that prayer and a strong spiritual foundation aid in healing and psycho-social well being.  My journey with MS, lupus {and the related blood clotting disorder that almost took my life}has brought me closer to God than I ever knew possible.  In this way, I consider my illness a gift.  The vulnerability and desperation brought on by being sick has made me more dependent on my Heavenly Father and I will never wish that had not taken place.

6.  Invisible illness affects everyone, not just the “sick” one.  Marriage, parenting, friendships, sibling relationships, work, church- my illness is a part of my life so it impacts everyone in my life.  Being aware of this helps insure that I keep others feelings and needs in mind and not give in to the temptation to become self focused.

7.  Invisible illness does not have to define you. I am a daughter of the Most High King, a mama to four, Mimi to one little Sweet Pea, wife to an amazing man, lover of words, student of The Word, friend, sister, auntie, teacher, speaker, coffee guzzler, teen mom advocate who happens to live with chronic illness.  God designed me to be me and nothing, including invisible illness, will take that ability from me.

8.  When you have invisible illness, you need a doctor that is invested in you.  So many physicians are motivated by money rather than patient care.  We all deserve a doctor that pays attention and genuinely cares about positive outcomes.  Look until you find the right fit for you- it can literally be a life and death decision.  I have been so blessed with the physicians I have found.  {I joke that I have an “ologist” for every body part and then some}  One of the reasons I am happy with my medical team is because I have not hesitated to move on when I have come across a doctor that did not take my opinions, questions or suggestions seriously.

9.  The internet is a lifeline when you live with invisible illness.  I discovered blogging quite by accident back in 2008.  A few months after I was diagnosed with MS, I was looking for information and came across several blogs that were informative.  Then, I discovered Twitter, started blogging on my own and connected with other like minded women.  My life has been richly blessed by my friends that live in the computer {many of whom I have met in real life and love dearly}.  I am eternally grateful for the ability to connect with a friend, anytime, anywhere.  The value of that connection is priceless when you are laid up in bed for weeks at a time.

10.  Invisible illness will make you regret it if you push yourself too far.  Oh, how hard this lesson has been for me to learn.  When I do too much, push through when I shouldn’t, ignore the warning signs of a flare..I regret it.  Rest, hydration, not doing too much- these are all necessary for me to maintain my health.  I suffer and my family suffers if I push past my limits {but I do anyway because I am one stubborn woman}.

This week {September 12-18, 2011} is Invisible Illness Awareness Week. I will be writing more about this topic this week.

Do you know someone that lives with an invisible illness?  Do you live with one?  I would love to pray for you {or your friend}.  Please leave a comment with your first name and the illness you live with and I would be honored to lift you up to our Healer.

This post is linked to Top Ten Tuesday at Oh Amanda.

Ahem…yeah.

So, anyway here I am playing catch up again {days 15-22}.  Bear with me, mmmk?

Day 15: Show your dream home

If this question had been posed three years ago, my dream would have materialized quite differently.  However, since reading Radical and going on a journey with God {as a family} our view of our future and our desires for that future have changed.  No longer do I want to move to the mountains to a log cabin with my hubby.  I don’t need granite counter tops or hardwood floors {although I’m not opposed to either}. In fact, we made the decision to downsize in December 2009 to a house half the size with a lot an eighth of the size and have not regretted it {except for the days I long for peace and quiet SOMEWHERE in this house}.

We are open to moving, if God calls us to.  If I could live anywhere I wanted, it would be southern Florida to be near my brothers, nephews and my dad. And, the house in those dreams looks like this:

This is a picture of my brother Tom’s house and I would be more than happy to be his next door neighbor!

{skipping day 16 because the crazy things I have done in my life are not things I am sharing with the interwebs}

Day 17: Something you are insecure about/something you are proud of

I am crazy insecure about my weight.  I have gained over 45 pounds since 2008 when I was diagnosed with MS.  The inactivity from injuries and illness, coupled with side effects of medication plus a lack of self control in the face of depression has me weighing more than I ever have.

I am also insecure about my writing.  Whenever I press publish on a post {or don’t} it is usually because of paralyzing fear, rooted in insecurity {which truly equates to pride}.  This is something I talk with the Lord about often.

I am proud of the children I have raised.  My boys are special, funny, polite, confident and most importantly, they love Jesus.  Since I started at this parenting thing young and not knowing Christ, I am constantly amazed at who they are growing up to be.

I am also proud of my hubby and I.  We married as two wounded unbelievers and have weathered many storms.  We have been together for almost 16 years and have been married for 14!  Praise the Lord!

Day 18: Wedding Talk

I’ve already posted a picture of our wedding day for this challenge so I will tell you a little about the day.  It was a hot, clear day in July and we had a beautiful outdoor ceremony.  One of my favorite memories of the day is that my great-grandmother Inez attended from Florida.  She passed away in 2006 but she always talked about that day and I am blessed that she was there for it.  Marrying Mike is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Day 19:  Talents and Hobbies

I love to write.  Some say it is a talent of mine.  I also sing….I love to sing on the worship team at church {and in the shower and the car}. I like to read, travel, ride on the back of my hubby’s Harley and spend time with my kiddos {fur and human!}

Day 20: Something I wish I could forget

The sting of being rejected by your mother is one that fades {until it happens again, then the wound feels as fresh as the first time} but does not ever go away.  I wish that it did.

Day 21: Favorite Recipe

I love the burgers my hubby makes for the grill.  You can find the recipe on my local blog.

Day 22: Favorite Websites

For inspiration: (in)Courage, A Holy Experience

For frugal living: Balancing Beauty and Bedlam, Pennies and Blessings

For the writer’s soul: Chatting at the Sky, Lysa TerKeurst’s blog

For parenting boys: The M.O.B Society {I write a monthly column there called Tackling the Talk}

For fun: Scary Mommy, Rage against the Mini Van

For making me think: A Deeper Story, Desiring God blog, Shaun Groves

Kindred Spirits: Joy in this Journey, Teri Lynne Underwood, Brooke McGlothlin, Lynette Kraft, Marla Taviano, She Sparkles, We are THAT Family

And, that is ENOUGH about me for one day

Image by leodelrosa... via Flickr

I am a positive person.  I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength {Romans 8:28, Philippians 4:13}.

But, I have to admit there are days and times that being chronically ill brings me down, way down.

It probably doesn’t help that I have had three surgeries in four months, have been mobility challenged since a fall in March and had to stop taking my MS therapy since my liver wasn’t cooperating back in January.

August has found me bitter most days.  Each day has felt like I am trying to walk in quicksand…I am brought down and frustrated far too easily.  Distractions have been fewer as well since Miss S and Sweet Pea were away at summer camp and my two younger boys were spending time with my grandparents.

Working on the eBook {that I can not wait to share with y’all} I have spent a lot of time in Philippians.  And a verse {that has nothing to do with the eBook} struck a chord in my heart:

For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him,  since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have. ~ Philippians 1: 29-30

Why is it so easy to forget that the hard things, the struggles are gifts too? If I began to list the things God has taught me since I became ill, the miracles He has performed in my life and the lives of those around me- not in spite of my illness but because of it, through it, you would be amazed.

and then this:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ~ Philippians 4:4

Matthew Henry’s Commentary says this about the joy referred to in this verse:

Joy in God is of great consequence in the Christian life; and Christians need to be again and again called to it. It more than outweighs all causes for sorrow. Let their enemies perceive how moderate they were as to outward things, and how composedly they suffered loss and hardships.

Joy “more than outweighs all causes for sorrow.”

How many times do I use fatigue, pain, inability as an excuse to choose defeat rather than joy?  To choose self-pity instead of joy?

Far too often, my friends.

The enemy would like nothing better than to keep me in the bitter pit, cranky and unsettled like the dog days of August.

But, God!

He won’t let me stay there.  He wants me to choose joy.

Always.

God always wants me to choose joy.

Lord,  You have granted me this struggle.  You granted me this struggle with the command to also rejoice.  I have not been good at looking at the situation through the lens of joy this month.  Forgive me and help me sing a new song, one of joy and gratitude to You.  Forgive me for looking away from You and staring at my circumstances.  I rejoice in Your plan, Your sovereignty and Your promises.  ~ Amen.

Has something stolen your joy?  Please leave a comment and I will pray for you!

I have never given it much thought, until this week.

Monday, I received a gift from a woman I will never know.

Part of her knee was grafted into mine so that I will be able to walk again without brace, cane or walker.

ACL reconstruction is usually done by taking your own muscle from somewhere else {a hamstring, etc} and literally reconstructing the ACL that was torn in my fall.  However, because I have MS and other medical conditions the surgeons agreed that donor tissue was the best way to go.

And, on Monday they attached the ACL of a fifty year old woman into my right knee.  I don’t know the details of the tragedy or accident that took her life.  I just know that she had a giving heart because she chose to give of herself, even after death.

A few days later an envelope arrived in the mail that gives me the chance to thank the donor’s family for making the choice to let her body be used for good, even after she stopped living.

As I wrote my thanks in a card and struggled for words, I felt so grateful.  People don’t realize that organ and tissue donors don’t just give hearts and lungs and life saving parts, they also give live giving parts.  That ACL didn’t save my life but it will improve the quality of my life beyond measure.  For that I am grateful.

I have had that box checked since I first got my license.  Will you consider the same?

And the counting of thanks continues…

~  pain killers

~  ice packs

~  chocolate covered pretzels

~  friends that bring meals

~  anti embolism stockings

~  Redbox

~  kids old enough to care for their recovering mama

~  fur babies that snuggle up, knowing you don’t feel good

~  an empty blog reader

~ generosity of strangers

What are you thankful for?

my knee surgery went as planned on Monday morning and my ruptured ACL was replaced by a cadaver ACL {that we are referring to as Bobbi} and my torn meniscus was repaired as well.  The pain was beyond what I expected, however it is getting better {a teeny tiny bit} each day.

thank you so much for the thoughts, prayers, texts, emails, facebook messages and tweets.  They have lifted my spirits more than you know.

I will be back in writing mode, with a special interview with Shaun Groves, as soon as my mind is not under the influence of narcotics

God bless!