Fleeting Moments

As my boys grow up (up and up and up) I miss the days when my lap was their favorite seat.  When my hugs and kisses were welcomed.  When I was “the prettiest gwirl” in the world.

But that was then and this is now.  Now, my mere existence makes me the most embarrassing woman on the planet.  And kisses- ha!  Wiped off quicker than chocolate frosting from a doughnut.  Yet, the dogs can lick their face- can someone explain that to me?

Anyway, I digress.  Fridays are about finer things and Friday favorites.

That is why I smile to myself, as I type this post, and my 13 year old son’s head rests on my lap as he sleeps his cold/ear infection away.  I know these moments are fleeting- they are few and far between.

So I will sit here all day if need be and cherish every moment.

What is this blog for anyway?

I arrived home from Blissdom with a heavy heart.

Mind you, I had a fabulous time (with a capital F) and learned a lot.

I also realized that I had strayed from my passions- the passions that led me to start this blog in the first place almost two years ago.  I have been working on shifting my focus back to sharing life from my heart with my readers.  (All my product reviews, giveaways, professional organizing advice, etc. will be on my professional organizing site starting March 1st.)

I blog about life.

Life as an adoptive mom of a child with severe emotional and behavioral issues, life as a mama of all boys, life as a mama of all tween/teen boys, life as a wife, life with multiple sclerosis and lupus, life as a former foster child, high school drop out turned teen mom who found Jesus and has never been the same since!

I blog about cutting through the clutter of life…the things that distract us from seeing and enjoying the life and purpose God has for us. When I speak at mom’s groups and women’s events, I usually am either sharing my testimony or sharing how to get control of your calendar, manage your time, set realistic goals and priorities and handle money the way God intended.

I’m glad you stopped by if you are here from Kelly’s Korner and invite you to read my About Me page and/or listen to my intro video to learn a little more about me and this here blog ‘o mine.

Of boys and learners permits

I’m not ready for this.

That is what I was thinking as I sat in my (bonus) son’s MDT (multi-disciplinary meeting) yesterday.  The collective decision (which I agree with, I just don’t like) was made that he can get his learner’s permit next month.

My boy is going to drive.  I’m not ready for this.

Let me clarify that he will not be driving in a car that has me as a passenger, observer or anything else.  I should probably be forced to stay indoors with a bottle of valium when I know he is on the road.

My hubby will be his instructor until driver’s ed begins in April.  My sole part of this process (other than taking him to the DMV for the written portion of the test) will be to worry my head off. But will worrying get me anywhere? No.

In addition to the fact that the five year old little boy that let me be his mama after his biological situation didn’t turn out so well is now taller than me, he is also old enough to get behind the wheel of a moving vehicle.

And that brings me to my knees.

LITERALLY.

TO MY KNEES.

Because the only one that can keep Jason safe on the road (and with his first job this summer) and with (God please help me) the appointment with the National Guard recruiter in the spring is my Heavenly Father.

The One who loves my dark haired, special boy more than even I do (which is difficult for this mama to fathom) is watching out for him.

Jason’s life has not been easy (and he hasn’t made it too easy on the rest of us either) so I am so glad that he is finally moving in a positive direction.  He is getting to be a “normal” kid- learner’s permit, first job and senior year plans included.

That he is even at this point is proof that God’s been watching out for him all along.

Jesus, take the wheel!

I’m getting ready to spend even more time on my knees in the coming weeks…right where every mama should be.

Understanding Tweens…is it possible?

I am an all or nothing kind of gal.

The upside:  I am fiercely loyal, totally committed and extremely stubborn determined.

The downside: I am extremely determined stubborn, a tad perfectionistic and  a smidge moody

I was on the downside of my personality lately.  Parenting 12 and 13 year olds every day and a 16 year old from afar has pushed me to (what I thought was) my limit.

I felt like a FAILURE with a capital F.

That doesn’t feel good.  The recovering Type A that I am does not take nicely to the F word.

I finally took these feelings to God (why do I too often make that my last stop?) and he expanded my perspective.

So now, instead of feeling responsible for my child’s bad choices, I’m going to allow natural consequences to occur and let the child feel those ramifications, rather than me. (I do not think for a second this will be easy but with God all things are possible)

Instead of focusing on what I cannot change (my child’s choices) I am going to focus on what I will one day be held accountable for (which is NOT my child’s choices):

My Parenting

I am reading an excellent book called Disconnected, Parenting Teens in a Myspace World.  I am not completely through the book yet but I know there is a reason God led me to pick it up off the book shelf (where it has been collecting dust for quite a few months) and here it is…

In the long run the only question that matters is, “Is who I am, how I live, and how I parent providing my child the very best chance to see and experience the Jesus who died to redeem them?” (pg 31)

Wow!  Let me just say that asking myself this question (several times) each day has already helped me focus on the process of parenting, not the outcome.

God also reminded me that while these circumstances may pain me it is actually good that my children make these type of mistakes while they are still under my daily influence and discipline. None of the choices they have made are the end of the world (by any means) and that my past mistakes (a big stumbling block for me) do not predict my child’s behavior.

God has entrusted my hubby and I with part of the mining process…it is up to Him (and Matt, Jared and Jason) to make them shine like diamonds some day.

I was failing…because I was trying to do this parenting thing in my own strength.  But I have humbled myself and come near to God (James 4) and He has proven faithful in renewing my strength and giving me a new parenting perspective.

*just an FYI: if you click on the link and purchase the book mentioned I will make a small commission as an Amazon affiliate*

Of Love and Snowstorms

Our pastor reminded us Sunday that love is a verb, an action, a choice.  After being trapped snowed in with my family all week I can certainly attest to this fact.

You know you love your testosterone driven hubby and boys when:

• the cries of “doorknob” and subsequent running through (your much smaller than before, mind you) house doesn’t irritate you any more.
• you can tune out the noise of video games playing throughout the house 22 out of the 24 hours in a given day because the blowing snow and blizzard conditions have kept them indoors ALL DAY
• you go to make dinner and realize that the ingredients for the dish (that is on the menu that takes time for you to plan) have been eaten as an experiment for “what tastes good on Ritz crackers” so you just make omelets and move on
• you willingly put snow pants, gloves, hats and a bazillion pairs of socks in the dryer 20 times a day so that the boys can play in the snow (and go in and out and in and out and in and out) as many times a day as they want
• you lovingly prepare hot cocoa with mini marshmallows EVERY time they come in from going in and out and in and out of the snow.
• you put on your snow boots and get out your camera so they can show off igloos, snow tunnels and forts (that all really look the same but who am I to critique snow architecture?) most every time they go in and out and in and out to play in the snow
• you stop cringing when the doorbell rings, knowing that it is the neighborhood kids who will now join your boys in going in and out and in and out which just means more clothes in the dryer and more hot cocoa to serve

I love them, that is for sure, but if school gets canceled tomorrow I may very well lose my mind. 

Thankful through Trials

People are often taken aback when I say that I am thankful for my illness.  There are many reasons that I feel that my MS diagnosis has been a blessing for me and my family.  I would have probably never slowed down and lived for the moment if not for MS.  I would not have been forced to deal with the deep-seated emotional issues I had spent my whole life holding in.  I would not have learned to let go of the small stuff and be (a tad) less controlling.

In the grand scheme of things our time on this earth is not about us.  It is about how we live our lives for God’s glory.  I spent a week or two really upset last month when I found out I also have systemic lupus. “It’s not fair” and “why me” came out of my mouth and my heart.  I was feeling very sorry for myself And then I remembered:  my trials and issues are really insignificant.  When you are able to step out of your pity party and look at the world around you, it is easy to see that I don’t have it so bad.  I have learned about the plight of chronically ill people in third world countries- hello?  How can I complain when they have no access to healthcare at all?  There are orphans in Eastern Europe that are institutionalized for life (just put in cribs at the age of four) simply because they have Down Syndrome.  Babies that are suffocated at birth because of deformities.

I think of how much this type of atrocity must pain our Lord.  How He must yearn for us to get out of our own little self absorbed box and find ways to help those that are less fortunate and more oppressed than we could ever imagine being.

What would the world be like if we all took an interest in other people’s problems rather than our own?  If we focused on loving everyone we come in contact with instead of trying to leverage situations for our own benefit?

I have been just as guilty as the rest of allowing myself to wallow in my trials.  But, the Lord is speaking to my heart so loudly lately, particularly through a passage in Isaiah 58:6-12

Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break over every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?  Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.  Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say:  Here am I.

If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday.

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sunscorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Now, I don’t know about you but I am interested in feeling like a well watered garden and am thankful the Lord provides the guidelines for doing so.

And, in the midst of a season of thankfulness I pray that none of us lose sight of the true reason for the season!

Happy Thanksgiving!

A Changed Woman

How has motherhood changed you?

It would probably be easier to name the ways that motherhood has not changed who I am but that, my friends, is not the assignment.  So here goes:

• Where I once thought only of myself, there are now three human beings I would throw myself in front of a moving train for.
• Those same human beings have made me want to jump in front of a moving train quite a few times.
• I have become capable of incredible feats- cooking, baking, homemaking in general, purely out of a desire to create a cozy, comfortable environment for my boys.
• My heart has physically grown as it swells with pride at their accomplishments and has physically ached when they are in pain.
• Walls built around my heart, out of self protection, literally melted away when my first child was placed in my arms and by the time I adopted my step son (our third yet oldest child) my heart was made completely out of mush.  I am putty in their hands (and they know it)
• Yet, I am tough when I need to be.  I learned it is important to me that I raise polite and contributing members of society.  To raise future husbands my future daughters-in-law (*gasp* that makes me want to cry) will appreciate.
• I changed my focus thus far in life.  Career advancement, my personal accomplishments seem so unimportant compared to enjoying and cherishing EVERY moment I get to spend with these future adults. (However, a nicely placed trip to Vegas sans said future adults is a nice little treat)
• I discovered that in order to be the best mama I can be, I have to care for my health, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  This lesson took me several years to learn and I hate that my children didn’t receive the best of me during that time.
• But, I have also learned that in motherhood you can only look forward.  There is no perfect, there is no magical balance that means everyone gets all there needs met every time they have one, there is no way to undo something once it has been said, no way to take back  a harsh word.  Mommy guilt is toxic.
• So, I choose to live in this moment with my boys.  Treasuring when I can, nurturing when I can, disciplining when I need to, teaching something when I can, and apologizing for the myriad of ways I screw up and hoping they learn something from those moments too.

For more Writer’s Workshop posts, join us at Mama Kat’s.

Family Friday- Back to School

***Did you see my guest post here yesterday?***

I don’t know about you but I find myself wondering- where did summer go?  And as I printed off their respective school supply lists yesterday, the reality of saying goodbye to sleeping in, spending the day with my boys and finding fun things to keep us occupied made me sad.  Then I remembered how often I have been ready to strangle them for bickering, how much I get accomplished when they are at school and somehow, I’m feeling a little better about things.

As with most things in our family we have a routine for the school year.  And, we also have traditions related to getting ready for back to school.  We go back to school shopping when we are at my grandparent’s house because they live near a great outlet mall.  We have an end of summer dinner, complete with cake and ice cream the weekend before school starts to send off summer with a “bang” and herald in a new year of watching the boys grow and change.  They get a new backpack each year (thankfully we have finally talked Matt out of Star Wars since he started middle school).

The week before school starts (which is next week for our family) we will pack the backpacks, separate the school clothes from the play clothes (yes, I am that mom) and start our bedtime/wake-up routines.  It is funny that as they grow (Jason is a *gasp* junior in high school this year, Jared is going into 8th grade and Matt into 7th) they are still just as attached to these routines as they were when they were in early elementary school.  We have found ways to adapt the traditions for Jason with him being away.

I look at them now, boys turning into young men, and wonder what our family traditions will look like in a few years?  When is the last year I will bake the end of summer cake?  The last year it will be cool to go shopping at Old Navy and Aeropostale outlets with your mama?  Oh, do those thoughts hurt anyone else’s heart as much as they hurt mine?

But, for now, instead of dwelling on the (painful) reality of the future I am going to enjoy every back to school moment with my sweet, yet often smelly boys.  Join us for more Family Friday posts at Homemaker Barbi.

Thankful Thursday- Nature?

Today’s theme is nature. I immediately giggled at this because I am not a lover of all things natural. Which is exactly why I think God gave me a house full of boys…so that when the weight of the wickedness of the world got exhausting, all He has to do for a good laugh is look into the Smallwood house and watch me freak out at the following things:

~Matt bringing in various forms of slithery things including toads and lizards, asking to keep them (the answer is usually “no“)
~having to tolerate a lady bug (I don’t care if they are cute, they are still bugs) crawling on my hand because I’ve been asked to “watch it, Mommy” while one of the boys goes to the bathroom
~taking pictures of beaming boys and their equally beaming daddy while standing near the river with the fish they just caught (and being eaten alive by mosquitos at the same time)
~screaming like a crazy woman when trapped in a campground shower with a bumblebee (I actually considered running out naked)
~sitting on top of the kitchen table with three boys (who were at this time around 6, 3 an 2) crying because there was a mouse in the living room (and it was looking at me!)until my mother-in-law left work and came over and rescued me
~not wanting to come out of my house for a week after my hubby killed a 5 foot long black snake (on our front porch!!)
~having a panic attack every time one of the dogs or kids gets a tick on their skin (whether attached or not)
~dancing like break dancer when I have accidentally walked into a cobweb

I could go on with these true tales of my hate/love relationship with nature but I won’t embarass myself any further.

I will say that I so thankful to serve THE GOD that made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that in them is! I am thankful for every one of those memories and moments that come with being a mama of boys- nature and all.

We serve a truly Awesome God (with a sense of humor).

Join us at Lynn’s for more Thankful Thursday posts.

Life Lessons

My kids are learning tough lessons by watching their grandmother go through a separation from her husband (whom they consider their “granddaddy”). The statistics regarding marriage in this country are plain sad- the United States has more divorce per capita than any other Western nation (divorcemag.com). I guess that means Jared and Matt shouldn’t be surprised that it is hitting this close to home. But, after watching them this weekend I realize that change like this shakes the foundation of their security and makes them question relationships, people, motives and their biggest fear- will this happen to Mom and Dad?

We have spent time talking, crying and teaching this weekend about the effects and impact of divorce. The biblical view versus the world view of marriage and divorce. Reassurance that even though the grown-ups aren’t getting along right now, it doesn’t have to change anything with the kids. That kids don’t have to concern themselves with grown-up problems and no one expects them to take sides.

I am praying for the strength to resist the urge to be angry- angry that my mom chooses dysfunctional partners 100% of the time, angry that my stepdad let us down, angry that my kids have to see yet another grandparent screw up and angry that people just don’t take marriage seriously (a covenant that God created) anymore.

Yet my wise hubby reminds me that life happens. All we can do is respond prayerfully to what is going on around us. We can’t protect our kids from pain or the harsh reality of living in a fallen world. We can just point out the lessons and wipe their tears. Being a parent is not fun right now….

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