When my boys were little, especially in the days when no one could yet tie their own shoes, wipe their own bottoms, etc. I would cringe when one of them (they were about 6, 3 and 2) would say ” I can do it by myself, mama”.
Wanting to do something on their own meant it was going to take me three times as long to get out the door. Not to mention after they frustrated themselves with their attempt to tie their shoes, I would have to go put them on the correct feet and tie them myself.
Now, allowing them the “I can do this by myself” mentality is actually imperative for their development. This is the time of their life when they need to go ahead and make some decisions and experience the natural consequences while mama and daddy are still here to walk them through it.
Problem is….it hasn’t become any easier for me to watch them struggle and attempt something on their own when I know I could do it for them with a “less messy” outcome. Am I making any sense?
Our small group is going through a study right now called Running the Rapids by Dr. Kevin Leman.
It is a six week study about parenting adolescents (and Mike and I are learning so much).
One of the things we discussed in last week’s study was the importance of letting your tween/teen feel natural consequences of their actions AND how this can be accomplished through deferring discipline.
Deferring discipline is an about face from the way we parent our younger kids. When a five year old sasses his mama he immediately gets a time out. When a thirteen year old sasses his mama, his mama might ignore it until a few hours later when said thirteen year old wants to go play video games at a friend’s house. Then, she can remind said thirteen year old (nicely and not sarcastically) that because of his earlier disrespect he won’t be going anywhere that evening.
I was skeptical of this approach (partially because my flesh wants to deal with the “mouth” right away) but we have been giving it a try this week and the results are amazing. Your child can’t argue with the fact that they crossed a line and it throws them off that you remembered that and applied it to the next logical situation.
Parenting teens/tweens requires a different kind of mental effort and forethought than when our kids were smaller. How do you think parenting adolescents is different from parenting elementary age children or younger kids?
And as always, please link up any post about parenting tweens/teens in the MckLinky below.
