Comments on: Being pro-active in marriage http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/ Musings of a mama juggling it all Sat, 13 Mar 2010 09:22:03 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: admin http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3365 admin Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:08:24 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3365 I so agree, Robin. The repercussions of divorce are yucky, for everyone! And, all of this with my friend has made me appreciate what Mike and I have even more! Thanks for your thoughts and congrats on 22 years! I so agree, Robin. The repercussions of divorce are yucky, for everyone! And, all of this with my friend has made me appreciate what Mike and I have even more! Thanks for your thoughts and congrats on 22 years!

]]> By: Robin ~ PENSIEVE http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3361 Robin ~ PENSIEVE Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:04:17 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3361 There IS that tension b/t telling all and honoring your spouse; it's so sad, though, that you found out about this obviously good friend when it was "too late". Having been married 22 years, I KNOW it requires effort and intention. During low points in my life (& marriage) though I had the insight of why people might choose divorce, I always imagined the repercussions after the fact. One of my friends who's married to a divorced man said this: "Do whatever you can to save your marriage...the consequences of divorce last more than a lifetime..." (difficulties w/his ex all the time :( ). I feel for those in unhealthy marriages...and this is a good reminder to be diligent in protecting my own!! There IS that tension b/t telling all and honoring your spouse; it’s so sad, though, that you found out about this obviously good friend when it was “too late”.

Having been married 22 years, I KNOW it requires effort and intention. During low points in my life (& marriage) though I had the insight of why people might choose divorce, I always imagined the repercussions after the fact. One of my friends who’s married to a divorced man said this: “Do whatever you can to save your marriage…the consequences of divorce last more than a lifetime…” (difficulties w/his ex all the time :( ).

I feel for those in unhealthy marriages…and this is a good reminder to be diligent in protecting my own!!

]]> By: Melissa Multitasking Mama http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3360 Melissa Multitasking Mama Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:53:33 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3360 Ryan- your comments are always insightful and right on target! Thanks for the feedback! Ryan- your comments are always insightful and right on target! Thanks for the feedback!

]]> By: Ryan http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3317 Ryan Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:37:27 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3317 Communication is the key. I believe that communication issues are the #1 reasons why marriages break up. There's little constructive dialog between 2 people. There's plenty of silence and also destructive dialog. But people who can discuss their differences without getting heavily emotionally involved in the argument are a rare breed. How to do that? First become happy with your own life. Do what makes you happy, not your spouse. If there is a fundamental difference then divorce may be neccessary. By fundamental, I mean core issues: what people do for a living, having children, are a few. If you made a mistake, it needs to be corrected. You'll both be happier in the long run. There are billions of people on earth to choose from. Many get the idea that marriage is only sacrifice and struggle but if you choose the right partner for the right reasons your union is natural and fairly effortless. Be happy with your life first and you'll make the right decision when choosing a mate. Too many rush to get married just to get married; for fear of running out of time, wanting to have kids, wanting to start a family, wanting to please their parents, wanting to marry before their friends. Get married after you are happy with your life. Find someone who you have a great deal in common with but also have some stark differnces. Find someone that you can talk to, that you can discuss issues with, that you get along with for 95% of the time. It's possible folks, you just need to be patient. Don't be in a rush to get married because hurry is fear and will always lead to something destructive. Communication is the key. I believe that communication issues are the #1 reasons why marriages break up. There’s little constructive dialog between 2 people. There’s plenty of silence and also destructive dialog. But people who can discuss their differences without getting heavily emotionally involved in the argument are a rare breed.

How to do that? First become happy with your own life. Do what makes you happy, not your spouse. If there is a fundamental difference then divorce may be neccessary. By fundamental, I mean core issues: what people do for a living, having children, are a few.

If you made a mistake, it needs to be corrected. You’ll both be happier in the long run. There are billions of people on earth to choose from.

Many get the idea that marriage is only sacrifice and struggle but if you choose the right partner for the right reasons your union is natural and fairly effortless. Be happy with your life first and you’ll make the right decision when choosing a mate. Too many rush to get married just to get married; for fear of running out of time, wanting to have kids, wanting to start a family, wanting to please their parents, wanting to marry before their friends.

Get married after you are happy with your life. Find someone who you have a great deal in common with but also have some stark differnces. Find someone that you can talk to, that you can discuss issues with, that you get along with for 95% of the time. It’s possible folks, you just need to be patient. Don’t be in a rush to get married because hurry is fear and will always lead to something destructive.

]]> By: uberVU - social comments http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3316 uberVU - social comments Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:07:59 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3316 <strong>Social comments and analytics for this post...</strong> This post was mentioned on Twitter by multitaskingme: loving the comments on this post http://bit.ly/wtwrJ Join in our conversation about marriage... Social comments and analytics for this post…

This post was mentioned on Twitter by multitaskingme: loving the comments on this post http://bit.ly/wtwrJ Join in our conversation about marriage…

]]> By: Michele http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3314 Michele Thu, 05 Nov 2009 03:31:49 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3314 I have been through things in my marriage where it was my friends who sustained me and helped me through some dark times. While I am thankful that I was not alone (and probably would not have survived without their help) I also wish they did not know as much as they did. Now when they ask me how things are I feel that they expect me to continue with the details where the details need to be between me and my husband. Since I wasn't able to seek the advice of clergy or even a therapist (two month waiting list in my rural area) I am glad there was at least someone I could turn to, but now that the crisis is past it needs to stay between me and my husband. I guess everything is situational. I have been through things in my marriage where it was my friends who sustained me and helped me through some dark times. While I am thankful that I was not alone (and probably would not have survived without their help) I also wish they did not know as much as they did. Now when they ask me how things are I feel that they expect me to continue with the details where the details need to be between me and my husband. Since I wasn’t able to seek the advice of clergy or even a therapist (two month waiting list in my rural area) I am glad there was at least someone I could turn to, but now that the crisis is past it needs to stay between me and my husband. I guess everything is situational.

]]> By: admin http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3311 admin Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:27:38 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3311 Thanks for your thoughts Tamara! I agree that blogging and talking about our problems opens doors to support I know I never could have dreamed of when I started blogging. And I only wish the internet had been as active 12 years ago when I suffered from PPD. Thanks for your thoughts Tamara! I agree that blogging and talking about our problems opens doors to support I know I never could have dreamed of when I started blogging. And I only wish the internet had been as active 12 years ago when I suffered from PPD.

]]> By: Tamara http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3310 Tamara Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:43:56 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3310 I have two 2 different perspectives: one as a wife and another as a marriage/family therapist. As a wife, I would do whatever I could within my power to fight for my marriage unless there was a really good reason not to (i.e. if there was physical abuse going on, etc). As a therapist, I think there are times when divorce is the best answer or the healthiest for the family/children's environment. I think it's easy for people to keep marriage struggles secret because they don't want to look like a failure at marriage. But on the contrary, you're not a failure if you're struggling and you seek help or support from friends/counselors. You are a fighter if you do that and should be proud of reaching out to others. It's similar to struggles with parenting or postpartum (which I recently suffered from and am blogging about in my 2-3 part series I just started today). No one wants to admit it b/c they think others will judge them. But when you open up about such things, you find out you're not alone, that others aren't judging you, and that you feel much better getting the support and realizing others deal with the same exact things! Great post and topic! Tamara www.theunexperiencedmom.com I have two 2 different perspectives: one as a wife and another as a marriage/family therapist.

As a wife, I would do whatever I could within my power to fight for my marriage unless there was a really good reason not to (i.e. if there was physical abuse going on, etc).

As a therapist, I think there are times when divorce is the best answer or the healthiest for the family/children’s environment.

I think it’s easy for people to keep marriage struggles secret because they don’t want to look like a failure at marriage. But on the contrary, you’re not a failure if you’re struggling and you seek help or support from friends/counselors. You are a fighter if you do that and should be proud of reaching out to others.

It’s similar to struggles with parenting or postpartum (which I recently suffered from and am blogging about in my 2-3 part series I just started today). No one wants to admit it b/c they think others will judge them. But when you open up about such things, you find out you’re not alone, that others aren’t judging you, and that you feel much better getting the support and realizing others deal with the same exact things!

Great post and topic!

Tamara
http://www.theunexperiencedmom.com

]]> By: admin http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3309 admin Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:16:40 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3309 Kel- very true about getting opinions from others that may just complicate things! Ann Marie- you said it! I think the tendency to be an "island" hurts us more than helps us in situations like this. Wendy- you are so right...if the couple isn't invested in fixing things, no amount of outside influence will change that. Thanks for joining in the conversation ladies! Kel- very true about getting opinions from others that may just complicate things!

Ann Marie- you said it! I think the tendency to be an “island” hurts us more than helps us in situations like this.

Wendy- you are so right…if the couple isn’t invested in fixing things, no amount of outside influence will change that.

Thanks for joining in the conversation ladies!

]]> By: wendysurf http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2009/11/proactive-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-3307 wendysurf Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:04:26 +0000 http://www.multitaskingmama.com/?p=550#comment-3307 For me being proactive in my marriage means both of us are communicating honestly and truthfully. I usually don't have a problems with this, but often times when I speak my hubby takes it as criticism or thinks he is responsible for my feelings, then he goes into his "I'm not good enough" issues. When that happens there's no way to communicate because he isn't listening. We are working on this and it's getting better. Communication it's the solution. As far as other people if the two people in the relationship having the issue aren't communicating you can talk to all the people in the world and it won't help. For me being proactive in my marriage means both of us are communicating honestly and truthfully. I usually don’t have a problems with this, but often times when I speak my hubby takes it as criticism or thinks he is responsible for my feelings, then he goes into his “I’m not good enough” issues. When that happens there’s no way to communicate because he isn’t listening. We are working on this and it’s getting better. Communication it’s the solution. As far as other people if the two people in the relationship having the issue aren’t communicating you can talk to all the people in the world and it won’t help.

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